I really resent my 7 yo ds

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Dec 11 2024, 10:24 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

I remember my mother taking one kid at a time to do grocery shopping with her.

I can’t do grocery shopping. I do my groceries online. As soon as I’m home from work I need to take off my wig and tights and wear crocs and be comfy. I get so tired and just want to be home!

This worked out really nicely, I hope I can make a habit of it.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 7:48 am

This morning already didn’t go so well.

Ds ate breakfast like the others, then they asked for cake for dessert- I gave him first. As they were eating the cake at 7:30 am (with tenants who live downstairs) they began making loud squeaking noises. I told them that anyone who makes a loud squeaking noise their cake will be taken away. Of course ds 7 made that noise so I took his cake away, with the intention of giving it to him to be eaten as a snack in school (I didn’t throw it away). Then he began spitting at me. At this point I lost my cool.

Now I’m upset at myself and wondering how I could have handled differently.

amother

↑ Cognac

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 8:16 am

amother OP wrote:

Probably a better idea to do a "less severe" punishment. Like a time out or something.

I'm guilty of doing stuff like this too.

amother

Smokey

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 8:21 am

amother OP wrote:

BH I have a good relationship with the older and younger siblings but one 7 yo ds is driving me nuts and it’s so hard to like him and be loving.

He comes home from school and within one hour he is provoking his younger sister, either touching her things without permission or making loud annoying noises. Then he is jumping on the couch or bouncing a ball loudly to annoy the neighbors. At dinner he bangs on the table, touches his food with his fingers, crushes the food into balls and pretends to throw it around the table. He is basically bouncing off the walls. Even on days when he has sports after school (only once a week- there are no organized sports any other days) he comes home in a mood and it’s not any better.

He refuses to invite friends.

So I just end up yelling and screaming at him and sending him to his room and it’s such a negative atmosphere. I ran out of consequences for him!

We tried incentives. Didn’t work.

Summer wasn’t so bad bec he could play outside.

His older and younger siblings aren’t like this at all, they make trouble sometimes but can be quickly talked to and will listen to me. They do well with incentives.

He does not have adhd, we had him evaluated and he does extremely well in all areas in school.

He knows exactly how to annoy and upset me greatly, and I feel bad about our lack of relationship and the overall negative atmosphere between us.

If anyone has advice…

My 7 yo is very similar. We just started ot I'm hoping it will improve things.

amother

Salmon

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 8:32 am

amother OP wrote:

I would ignore the noises. Kids are allowed to be kids and tenants know you have kids. It was not in middle of the night.
I think taking away the cake was too harsh for kids just doing kiddie things like making noise. Also, if you'd ignore it would probably end faster. Not everything needs to be a battle.

amother

↑ Almond ↓

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 8:36 am

He’s clearly looking for attention from you in whatever way he can get it. Negative attention is attention too. I would ignore the noises and sit with them while they were eating.
I have to commend you for being such a self aware mom. Your kids are gaining so much already.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 8:38 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm guilty of these threats too...
I have a 9 yo with extremly explosive adhd.
It's HARD.
Kids need to learn to control themselves. But it's hard when mommy keeps losing it (I'm guilty too. Much better than I was. And still working on it.)
Can you maybe think thru consequences that your child can stomach amd actually accept BEFORE these scenarios happen?
Like, he needs to wait 1 or 2 minutes to eat his cake. Rather than taking it away.
But have a talk before. That if he gets out if control during a consequence then it will be worse.
If he spits while waiting for his cake, he has to wait longer, or he gets it taken away...
Do your kids understand why you don't want them kicking?

Also, I feel like 730 isn't all that early.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 8:43 am

OP,
this was me before I took a parenting course this summer!

My 7 y.o. was driving the household insane! I would yell and punish and we were in a downward spiral. I took a course by Reb. Sima Spetner and it was a game changer for me. The more positive attention children get, the better they behave.

Re this morning- one of the biggest points that she made was that discipline needs to be a 20/80 ratio. If you only have 20% of things that you could comment/discipline/punish for- would noises fit into that?? Probably not.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 8:43 am

amother Smokey wrote:

My 7 yo is very similar. We just started ot I'm hoping it will improve things.

Insurance denied us Ot and I’m not paying hundreds of dollars a month out of pocket, I wish I could do that easily but I cannot. We did not see much improvement when insurance did allow us ot for a few months.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 8:46 am

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

I did courses and read books and nothing. I tried therapy for myself as well as parenting with dh and myself and a therapist. Still nothing.

amother

Clover

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 1:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

I did courses and read books and nothing. I tried therapy for myself as well as parenting with dh and myself and a therapist. Still nothing.

Hes acting up just for you. Hes fine in school. I definitely think you need to work, the parenting angle more. Did you try individual parenting sessions with a therapist not a group thing. You need to keep trying until you can find someone that can help you. Call relief for a referral

amother

↑ Babyblue

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 7:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

I did courses and read books and nothing. I tried therapy for myself as well as parenting with dh and myself and a therapist. Still nothing.

You're not going to see instant magic long-term results from 1 hour of intervention. But from everything it's you're saying it sounds like you're on the right track. He needs more positive attention. This morning he acted out to get some negative attention cuz he's still starving for positive attention. 1 hour doesn't fill the that has built up over time.

Have patience with yourself and him. Keep giving him 10 minutes of focused attention three times a week or whatever it is you can pull off. Whatever random positive attention you can sprinkle in on him and your other kids is always a plus. Give it a few weeks or months and see how things change. Sometimes it's helpful to keep track because you might not realize small improvements that are very much there.

I also wonder what would happen if you had offered a positive instead of a negative. Like whoever's quiet gets an extra hug. I wonder what his response would be to that. Then he gets his cake and attention too.

amother

Bluebell

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 7:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

It doesn't seem like he can control his emotions, so basically that's why none of your punishments will work. He can't do it.

He needs therapy, but if you can't find therapy or it's too expensive, can you put him in more sports?

I had one child that practiced sports every day because it really benefited him and also created a sense of self esteem because that was a place where he shined.

amother

Aqua

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 8:03 pm

Next time you can try to get him to switch to doing something that's impossible to do while making those noises.
You can ask him a question, sing a song together, ask him to help a younger siblings make a bracha, basically anything where he would be using his mouth to do something your ok with.

I also think making noise is normal and the neighbor should get to take precedence over your son.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Dec 12 2024, 8:55 pm

amother Clover wrote:

Yes I tried that