I have difficulty giving maaser, looking for chizuk

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Dec 09 2024, 10:15 pm

I grew up below the poverty line. We drove junky cars, wore only hand me downs, and lived on the bad side of town.

I was always a saver since I was little. I piled my channuka money and never spent it. All through high school and college I worked like a dog and saved $150k by the time I got married.

My husband and I don’t have kids yet. We are bh doing well financially and I am so grateful to HaShem. My husband gives maaser and has seen incredible yeshuot from it, opportunities and growth in his business.

I, however, don’t give maaser out of my paycheck. I recognize my difficulty and recently told HaShem I’d donate $1000. Months went by and I didn’t. I then randomly had a medical expense totaling $1000. I feel like this was the slap on the hand. How do I feel okay with giving maser when it puts me in fight or flight. Please send chizuk

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Dec 09 2024, 10:18 pm

Maybe just set aside the maaser first. And then after that you can take from it to things you see fit. Writing it down and cheshboning it is part of the mitzvah but if you take tzedakah just from your maaser or whatever that may be easier if it's already separated. Also you can give it to your husband and have him distribute as he sees fit...

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Dec 09 2024, 10:30 pm

It’s not the task of doing it that’s difficult, I don’t need him to do it for me. He also donates to causes that I am less interested in… it’s more of the fact that it is very hard for me to give maser. Doesn’t matter who does it, if I know he’s doing it it will still be hard for me

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Dec 09 2024, 10:38 pm

I'm a little like you OP (minus the 150K saved). DH is much more generous than me and at first it was hard for me to give or to be okay with him giving.

You might have to grit your teeth at first, but it will get easier. Can you find a cause or person whose situation speaks to you? You can choose where to give tzedakah to, and find a place that makes you happy to support. It can be an individual or an institution or a school or a Gemach. If it's easier for you it can be a chinese auction or raffle.

Look at it like exercise. Once you build the muscles it will feel more natural. And remember that this is the only mitzvah we are encouraged to test Hashem with, and He promises to reimburse us.

amother

Bisque

Mon, Dec 09 2024, 11:08 pm

I remember being in the same boat as you. My Rabbi told me "That money was never yours to begin with. Hashem gave you that extra 10% so you can get a mitzvah!" That really changed my mindset!

amother

Sunflower

Yesterday at 1:13 am

Wow, that’s amazing that you had so much money saved up at the time you got married! I literally did not see the money as belonging to me at all. I feel like God gave me the gift of being able to decide who to give it to, but that it’s not my money. Maybe if you spoke to a Rav Explain your situation and he would maybe say to leave a little bit of money in an account where you had it in case with Emergency and you could use it yourself? We were going through really hard time. We were told that we could use it for herself, but we had set it aside still for. Tzedekah. Highlights of my month decide where to give the money. I truly truly enjoy doing it.

amother

DarkOrange

Yesterday at 1:22 am

I sometimes dream about how comfortable we would be (logically speaking) if we didn't give maaser. But you have to make it a non negotiable in your mind. It's not a choice or a nice thing to do, it's a requirement.

And anyway, you don't have to want to in order to do it. If you have a direct debit set up to pay 10% from your paycheck after it comes in, you can just pretend it never existed to being with (which is basically the truth). Ask a rav about back payments. You're feeling enough discomfort about not paying. Why not just switch it into feeling discomfort about having paid it!

And also consider giving it to a tzedaka that means a lot to you personally, maybe directly helping families who are struggling with the things your family struggled with, imagine the kids being able to have new clothes etc. so they don't have to grow up feeling like you did. You could even do something more tangible with it - ask a rav I don't know - but start a gemach or actually buy items to give to people. Maybe the good feeling will help you part ways with the money.

I love giving maaser. It makes me feel rich that I can give away money even though we're a kollel family living paycheck to paycheck.

amother

Wandflower

Yesterday at 1:32 am

Maybe look up causes that speak to you and connect with one. I personally love giving masser and wish I’d have more. I love giving and sometimes have to stop myself as I’m giving more than 10% and actually need the money to live on.

justforfun87

Yesterday at 2:28 am

Sometimes I feel "annoyed" about giving so much money away and then I remind myself what an absolute bracha it is that I earned this much money to give away. I have found causes that really speak to me such as a new struggling local school for children on a different derech and people's reactions to the tzedakah is really heartwarming.
The owner of the school told me she literally did not know where they would find money from and it was so urgent that day and my tzedakah to them was such a bracha from Hashem.

This is predetermined to be money that's not even mine AND it helps another yid so so much. I also have a TON of money anxiety and can tell you since I started giving maaser a year ago or so I actually haven't noticed a difference in my bottom line so the money wasn't missed that much AND there was random times that money appeared that was unexpected.

For me Maaser takes out the guess work. I dont need to feel like I have to give more or I'm not doing enough. This is what was asked of us from Hashem..I always daven that Hashem should give me more maaser to give. Ill take another million Wink

amother

Dandelion

Yesterday at 6:54 am

I haven’t given in two years as per our ravs direction but I should reach out and touch base again. I borrowed money from my daughter and have been “taking maaser” to pay her back
It used to love being able to give to causes. But every dollar I make counts now for something or else we go without. I’m not getting paid for 3 weeks and I have 68$ to my name. This is without taking masser

Goldie613

Yesterday at 7:06 am

Would it be easier for you if it was an automatic deduction, as in you have it set up so that a certain amount automatically comes out every month for tzedekah, so therefore you don't have to find the strength to do it yourself each time?

What if it was going to a family member or a friend who is going through a rough patch? Would that be easier for you, since it might feel like you are just gifting a loved one?

OddoneOut1

Yesterday at 7:38 am

Spiritual Chizzuk- work on emunah and bitachon to truly believe that everything you have comes from Hashem and He will give you whatever you have, nothing is in our control

Practical advice: automate 10% of your average paycheck sraight from your account that your paycheck goes to, into a separate maaser account.
You'll never physcially take off maaser that way, but it will be in that special account for you accesss for your charitable giving

avigayil97

Yesterday at 8:21 am

My parents always had the maaser automatically removed using direct deposit, and I do the same. For many years, my mother put away her maaser on her tax refund into mutual funds for my poor cousins in EY. When they got married it was a few thousand for each of them. They would always thank her, and her response- it wasn't my money. Maaser isn't ours.

amothertrying

Yesterday at 8:22 am

Watch that video!!!
Berel something from Panama who makes movies put out a movie about maaser. It’s amazing. It’s called in God we test or something like that. You can find it on YouTube.
Please please watch it

amother

Almond

Yesterday at 8:41 am

amothertrying wrote:

would you be able to post it here? I cant access you tube directly....
thanks so much!