Who rides shotgun?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Who rides shotgun?

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View latest: 24h 48h 72h

Which child sits in the front passenger seat

Usually the oldest

42%

[ 49 ]

Switch off between whoever is eligible age wise

53%

[ 61 ]

Other (explain in comments)

[ 4 ]

Total Votes : 114

amother

Sat, Dec 07 2024, 9:38 pm

Say your single children living at home are ages 22, 21, 20, 18, 16, 14 etc and you often drive places separate from your husband or any other adult. Does the oldest automatically always sit in the front or do they take turn as soon as they are old enough to sit in the front seat?

And IF they take turns do all ages participate in the rotation or just some (ie maybe the 22 would be ousted for the 21 year old but would he/she also be ousted for a 14 year old)?

(Posted by request of my children LOL

)

amother

Cyan

Sat, Dec 07 2024, 9:39 pm

Whoever calls shotgun LOL

amother

Lime

Sat, Dec 07 2024, 9:41 pm

My kids all get turns. We don't have a chart or keep score. Sometimes it's whoever gets there first. Or whoever called it first. But if I notice someone hasn't been upfront with me for a bit I'll just say it's his/her turn.

amother

Mistyrose ↓

Sat, Dec 07 2024, 9:42 pm

I would not think it fair to have the oldest always get shotgun simply cuz they're oldest. Seems to me that would create a lot of resentment among the others who never get to- like how often would the youngest ever be the only other person in the car? Probably fairly infrequently, and then they'd never get to sit in front.

I don't have any idea for a system, except "not always the oldest" Very Happy

amother

Red

Sat, Dec 07 2024, 11:05 pm

It seems like your children still need their mommy to resolve this for them. How did you resolve seating disputes ten or fifteen or twenty years ago? The same system will probably still work if it was successful before.

amother

Jetblack

Sat, Dec 07 2024, 11:08 pm

Whoever gets there first or sometimes depending on who gets out first if making a few stops

amother

Strawberry ↓

Sat, Dec 07 2024, 11:17 pm

Oldest
Part of the reason is because 2nd one touches too much and makes me nervous so that's a way to have him there less often.
Also just keeps the peace to have a set rule. If I started with turns they would argue about who did last and doesn't count if the other one wasn't there. It wouldn't end.
And to the poster that said it's not fair - well life isn't always fair. But in reality most oldests assume more responsibility than any other child. Therefore they "earned" the right to certain privileges like sitting in the front.

amother

↑ Mistyrose ↓

Sat, Dec 07 2024, 11:32 pm

amother Strawberry wrote:

Where does this privilege end? My eldest is 5 currently, and thinks they should get to do everything first and best. Everything. First choice of seat at the Shabbos table, first choice of book to read, first choice of the best color cup by supper, first choice of which toy to play with, first choice of which crayon to use, first to open the door, first to get in the car, etc etc etc. It never ends. So we're teaching this child now that it's great you're the oldest, but others need to get first choice sometimes too or it's just not fair to them.

So my question is, is "eldest's privilege" only car-related to you, or you carry it across to every other choice as well?

AhuvasIma

Sat, Dec 07 2024, 11:52 pm

We have a seating chart and whoever's day it is

amother

Lightpink

Sat, Dec 07 2024, 11:54 pm

Growing up it was either oldest (me) or sometimes whoever called shotgun (usually me also)

Though once my brother was older I started giving him the honors, since he’s tall and would be uncomfortable in the back

amother

↑ Strawberry ↓

Sun, Dec 08 2024, 12:07 am

amother Mistyrose wrote:

You have to find a balance that works for your family.
But typically, yes, oldest is entitled to more firsts.
Who goes first when getting bentched? Who gets kiddush or challah first?
That doesn't mean oldest has to be first for everything always. There are certain privileges that oldest is entitled to. You can decide what privileges they are in your house.
But remember, you will expect your oldest to behave differently than other children so treat her that way too.

amother

↑ Mistyrose ↓

Sun, Dec 08 2024, 12:18 am

amother Strawberry wrote:

What does the bolded mean, by the way? I don't currently expect my child to act anything besides 5, and when my following children grow to be 5, I'll have the same expectations of them. What are these expectations people have especially for their oldest?

(And growing up as a middle-to-younger child of a large family, I never liked how I was never made to feel special by always having to wait my turn for everything, even down to getting challah and kiddush. So in my house now, no, we don't do age order when we give out challah and kiddush, it just varies based on where they're sitting that week, who's closer to my husband. I really don't see a need to keep emphasizing the oldest's role over everyone else. The oldest just naturally can do more and better first by dint of their age, I see no reason to keep shoving it even more into their siblings' faces. Unless there's something halachically mandated, I don't see a reason to do it.)

amother

Lightgray ↓

Sun, Dec 08 2024, 12:19 am

It’s a rotation same as every other seat in the car, my kids make the schedule and keep it in the car so everyone knows whose turn it is. Was a game changer when we started this. So much less fighting every time we go out.

amother

Firethorn ↓

Sun, Dec 08 2024, 1:43 am

amother Mistyrose wrote:

Your oldest is going to end up taking more responsibility than the others as he/she grows, and you do need to cultivate an extra relationship and/or privileges for him/her.

On the other hand, lots of these things can be merit based. Who picks out the book? Whoever is ready for bed first. Etc.

You're not doing yourself any favors by trying to make everything always equal. Equal doesn't mean fair. Life is not fair for the oldest, as you'll eventually start to see. You grew up feeling the younger perspective, so you may not realize yet just how much this is true.

amother

↑ Mistyrose ↓

Sun, Dec 08 2024, 1:53 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

So tell me more, cuz I'm not seeing it. If my eldest sibling had more responsibility, it's not because she took it but because my parents gave it to her, especially since she was the only girl for a while and her help was needed. When I look at my friends who were either eldest or one of the eldest but had multiple sisters close in age, I never noticed any of them to be responsible for substantially more than their siblings- they all had responsibilities they shared in. So explain to me what these extra responsibilities are, please.

amother

Green

Sun, Dec 08 2024, 2:16 am

The oldest my kids are somewhat spaced out and a couple of my kids are already married. But when I do give one of the married kids a ride, they usually sit in the back. The kids know that whoever is the oldest at home gets the front. But often times I just have one kid in the car so that could be, my youngest is old enough to sit in the front seat.

amother

↑ Firethorn ↓

Sun, Dec 08 2024, 2:20 am

amother Mistyrose wrote:

So what are you saying? That if the parents are the ones giving the responsibilities, then the oldest doesn't deserve extra privileges?
That because you didn't notice your friends' responsibilities as eldest, that means they had no extra responsibility?
Did they never babysit their younger siblings, or help out in the house when their siblings were too young to contribute as effectively?

amother

Cognac ↓

Sun, Dec 08 2024, 2:26 am

amother Mistyrose wrote:

It’s not her fault that she was the only girl for a while and her help was needed, but she ended up having to do more, and that is something that should be recognized and rewarded in some way.

I grew up as en eldest with parents who insisted on everything being “fair” including seats at the table or in the car, getting challah first, etc. What they did not realize is that there are inherent negatives to being the eldest which were never evened out by giving me any extra privileges or making me feel special. Yes, it is probably because I was the eldest and the only girl for a long time, so my help was needed, but - for whatever reason - I was the one who always had to help my siblings. They never had to help me. I always had to be the one to give in “because he’s younger . . .” and in case of any fight or argument, I was always in the wrong because I was “older, so should know better . . .” I also did not get to go on trips, vacations, etc. that were age appropriate, because they would not work for the younger kids (although they got to do them when they got older and did not have all the younger siblings) . . .When I got old enough, I took my younger siblings shopping and on trips with me, although I had no-one to do that for me . . . Not only did I never get to have my own room, but I was effectively banished from my room by 8:00 so younger sibling could go to sleep, and I had to fight for so many things that my siblings got as a matter of course thanks to my fighting for and thereby normalizing them . . . and there were so many unfair and unrealistic expectations placed upon me, while my younger siblings just had to be cute. . . Shall I go on?

I have long since forgiven my parents, because as an adult I recognize that they were doing what they thought was right, but I still think that all their “fairness” was very unfair to me.

amother

↑ Mistyrose ↓

Sun, Dec 08 2024, 2:40 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

And did I never babysit my nieces and nephews for my older siblings when they came for Shabbos, and did I never help out a ton for all the prep that was involved when my married siblings came back for Shabbos or YT, and did I never have to help my parents a ton once the older ones got married and moved out so it all fell on me and my younger sibs since we were now the older, capable children at home?

Different stages of life, but the help required from the kids is constant, just different help at different stages.

amother

↑ Mistyrose ↓

Sun, Dec 08 2024, 2:48 am

amother Cognac wrote:

So, no, your parents were not being fair. I already don't parent that way. I don't do things my 5 yr old won't enjoy because I have younger kids, and I don't plan to do that when my 5 yr old is older either. If I had an only girl first, I would expect help from her brothers as well, if I had a boy first, I would expect help from him, if I have two girls or two boys first they're all going to have to pitch in, and same to each following kid as they get old enough to be a contributing member of the family.

Because your parents weren't very fair to you as an eldest doesn't mean "parents aren't fair to eldests and they should be given more privileges", it's "any child a parent hands responsibility to should be given privileges along with it". I will expect children to chip in to care for their house and family according to their age, whether that's a 6 yr old helping to set the table for Shabbos or a 4 yr old helping to put all the books back on the shelf. I will not be putting more responsibility on my oldest simply because they're the oldest- they'll just reach the age of the next level of responsibility first, that's all. So I don't think my oldest should automatically be given privileges their siblings don't get, simply cuz they happened to join the family first- if they genuinely are putting more effort into the family then naturally I'll be rewarding that. And if I have an eldest who just doesn't ever want to be helpful and has to be cajoled into everything, and the middle kid is actually the one who is leaping into action when I ask them to take care of something, then that's the child who's gonna get more positive consequences, naturally. (Happens to be I can already see my oldest is a really chipping-in sort when they're in the mood, but I'm still gonna be careful not to put too much on them alone, and rather share it out amongst the kids, because I have a very strong sense of justice and fairness and would never want one kid to feel less than the other based on nothing but luck of birth order.)

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