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-> Parenting our children
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Ema of 5
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 Today at 9:37 am
| Cheiny wrote: | | Speaking of judgment… just sayin’ |
I am not judging. I simply repeated what you wrote. It was in response to how you approached the mother.
Where exactly is the judgement?
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Ema of 5
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Today at 9:39 am
| Reality wrote: | | A very young baby also cannot regulate their temperature like an older child or young adult. A baby loses 40% of its body heat through its head. Was this baby wearing a hat or a hood? |
You are right, but I was talking more about OP being cold. I have no idea how old she is, but I was just mentioning it.
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amother
Cantaloupe
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Today at 9:54 am
I used to not say anything. And think (hope!) that it was really ok, the child was really ok, why should I judge…
As I got older, and had more experiences. Which taught me that it’s incumbent on every one of us as human beings to protect each other, and especially children.
One child I saw- seemed to be neglected slightly. But there was always a way to be dan l’kaf zchus, assume it was just a different way if raising children than I was used to.
And then a few years down the line, I met said child. Who was clearly dealing with the repercussions of the neglect.
Why didn’t I speak up?
Worst case scenario I was wrong! But the alternative was worse, poor child.
Or my coworker- who didn’t step in and protect the child. Because there was room to say it was just her different standards. Who later ended up dying from an accident stemming from poor parental supervision. (Yes, frum)
If you see something that doesn’t seem right, or you see a child who seems not taken care of- speak up. Best case scenario is you’re wrong, and the child has a capable mother.
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amother
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Today at 10:10 am
| amother Cantaloupe wrote: | I used to not say anything. And think (hope!) that it was really ok, the child was really ok, why should I judge…
As I got older, and had more experiences. Which taught me that it’s incumbent on every one of us as human beings to protect each other, and especially children.
One child I saw- seemed to be neglected slightly. But there was always a way to be dan l’kaf zchus, assume it was just a different way if raising children than I was used to.
And then a few years down the line, I met said child. Who was clearly dealing with the repercussions of the neglect.
Why didn’t I speak up?
Worst case scenario I was wrong! But the alternative was worse, poor child.
Or my coworker- who didn’t step in and protect the child. Because there was room to say it was just her different standards. Who later ended up dying from an accident stemming from poor parental supervision. (Yes, frum)
If you see something that doesn’t seem right, or you see a child who seems not taken care of- speak up. Best case scenario is you’re wrong, and the child has a capable mother. |
She saw this incident for a whole of 5 minutes. Sorry it’s very different when you work with a child and see some consistent behavior.
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amother
Lightgray
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Today at 10:25 am
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It sounds like the mother was distracted about something. Even though it sounded like she was having a "casual" conversation, you really never know what happened to her that day or why you saw what you saw. Its not fair to judge a situation you saw for three minutes and post it online for the whole world to analyze and judge.
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chestnut
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Today at 10:44 am
| amother Skyblue wrote: | More a Asian & Russian thing. They actually want their kids to be sweating under all those layers. I had a Russian babysitter  |
Um, no, not sweating. They want them t just be warm.
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chestnut
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Today at 10:47 am
| amother Skyblue wrote: | Not too cold to go from a heated building into a heated car without a coat. The whole incident op witnessed probably lasted under 5 minutes, possibly less.
I think we all belong to 1 of 2 camps. Those who can tolerate a few minutes of cold just fine & those who wear a scarf as soon as the weather dips below 60 |
To walk from the store to the car, sure. To stay outside for 5 mins with nothing on your legs, an open coat (with possibly smth thin underneath), and don't remember if there was a hat or a hood on, when you're baby - very different.
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Ema of 5
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Today at 10:58 am
| chestnut wrote: | | To walk from the store to the car, sure. To stay outside for 5 mins with nothing on your legs, an open coat (with possibly smth thin underneath), and don't remember if there was a hat or a hood on, when you're baby - very different. |
But still not the end of the world.
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flowerpower
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Today at 11:00 am
Ok ok everyone. It was me. I’m coming clean. Heres the story- my active 8 month old grabbed my hot coffee quicker than I can blink and spilled it all over his pants. Gosh. These littles are so fast and impulsive. I was almost paying so I quickly took off his pants so they don’t get burnt and paid for my big order. As I am about to leave my friend from Israel calls. She never calls. It’s hard for us to catch us given the time difference. My husband was at home watching our other 6 kids the oldest being 9. I had one hour of p and q until I get back to chaos and dh heads back to BMG. I know that it was an interesting sight. Being that I am soooo sleep deprived my multi tasking is a tad weak these days. So forgive me if I wasn’t managing my best. The thick blanket that I usually take along for the car seat was vomited on this morning. Hence the reason for it not being there. I usually manage better. Oh well. We all have our bad moments.
Ps Cheiny, would be nice if you wouldve officially introduced yourself. Next time I suppose? When are you do a food trip next?
Pss one of my little pet peeves actually are people shmozzing on the phone in public
Ppss It wasnt me but sometimes its work to be dlkz someone….
Ppsss I really do want to meet Cheiny
Last edited by flowerpower on Mon, Dec 02 2024, 12:02 pm; edited 2 times in total
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amother
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Today at 11:10 am
| flowerpower wrote: | Ok ok everyone. It was me. I’m coming clean. Heres the story- my active 8 month old grabbed my hot coffee quicker than I can blink and spilled it all over his pants. Gosh. These littles are so fast and impulsive. I was almost paying so I quickly took off his pants so they don’t get burnt and paid for my big order. As I am about to leave my friend from Israel calls. She never calls. It’s hard for us to catch us given the time difference. My husband was at home watching our other 6 kids the oldest being 9. I had one hour of p and q until I get back to chaos and dh heads back to BMG. I know that it was an interesting sight. Being that I am soooo sleep deprived my multi tasking is a tad weak these days. So forgive me if I wasn’t managing my best. The thick blanket that I usually take along for the car seat was vomited on this morning. Hence the reason for it not being there. I usually manage better. Oh well. We all have our bad moments.
Ps Cheiny, would be nice if you wouldve officially introduced yourself. Next time I suppose? When are you do a food trip next?
Pss one of my little pet peeves actually are people shmozzing on the phone in public |
That’s a great dlkz story. I’m not Cheiny but I have even more advice for you. Don’t walk around with a hot coffee and an active baby. Ever. If you need your caffeine fix drink a cold beverage. If you brewed it at home on a freezing day it would be cold in the supermarket. If you bought it at the supermarket, you shouldn’t have bought a hot coffee when you’re with a baby. If your baby threw up all over the blanket you should take the poor thing back into the house, wash it up (the baby not the blanket) and then either leave the baby with your dh or stay home yourself with her. If you had to do the shopping and dh wouldn’t watch baby, make the trip as fast as possible and don’t take any calls, even if you’re Cheiny and Trump was calling to put you in his cabinet. Priorities. I think that was Cheiny’s point. She wouldn’t have been so upset if the mother hadn’t been shmoozing on her phone. The president himself could have waited until both mom and baby were strapped in their seats inside the warm car. Since your call was from a friend, I know you miss your friend in Israel but I know you love your baby more.
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flowerpower
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Today at 11:15 am
| amother Denim wrote: | | That’s a great dlkz story. I’m not Cheiny but I have even more advice for you. Don’t walk around with a hot coffee and an active baby. Ever. If you need your caffeine fix drink a cold beverage. If you brewed it at home on a freezing day it would be cold in the supermarket. If you bought it at the supermarket, you shouldn’t have bought a hot coffee when you’re with a baby. If your baby threw up all over the blanket you should take the poor thing back into the house, wash it up (the baby not the blanket) and then either leave the baby with your dh or stay home yourself with her. If you had to do the shopping and dh wouldn’t watch baby, make the trip as fast as possible and don’t take any calls, even if you’re Cheiny and Trump was calling to put you in his cabinet. Priorities. I think that was Cheiny’s point. She wouldn’t have been so upset if the mother hadn’t been shmoozing on her phone. The president himself could have waited until both mom and baby were strapped in their seats inside the warm car. Since your call was from a friend, I know you miss your friend in Israel but I know you love your baby more. |
I did mention that I really don’t think its important to shmooze on the phone in public. I hate it. People are not fully focused. They block aisles. They work extra slowly causing traffic behind them. I do not take out my phone when I go out. If it rings I just check who it is ( it better not be my kids school calling).
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flowerpower
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Today at 11:17 am
| amother Denim wrote: | | That’s a great dlkz story. I’m not Cheiny but I have even more advice for you. Don’t walk around with a hot coffee and an active baby. Ever. If you need your caffeine fix drink a cold beverage. If you brewed it at home on a freezing day it would be cold in the supermarket. If you bought it at the supermarket, you shouldn’t have bought a hot coffee when you’re with a baby. If your baby threw up all over the blanket you should take the poor thing back into the house, wash it up (the baby not the blanket) and then either leave the baby with your dh or stay home yourself with her. If you had to do the shopping and dh wouldn’t watch baby, make the trip as fast as possible and don’t take any calls, even if you’re Cheiny and Trump was calling to put you in his cabinet. Priorities. I think that was Cheiny’s point. She wouldn’t have been so upset if the mother hadn’t been shmoozing on her phone. The president himself could have waited until both mom and baby were strapped in their seats inside the warm car. Since your call was from a friend, I know you miss your friend in Israel but I know you love your baby more. |
The baby actually has reflux and used to throw up a ton. Finally it trickled down to once a week.
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amother
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Today at 11:49 am
| amother Cantaloupe wrote: | I used to not say anything. And think (hope!) that it was really ok, the child was really ok, why should I judge…
As I got older, and had more experiences. Which taught me that it’s incumbent on every one of us as human beings to protect each other, and especially children.
One child I saw- seemed to be neglected slightly. But there was always a way to be dan l’kaf zchus, assume it was just a different way if raising children than I was used to.
And then a few years down the line, I met said child. Who was clearly dealing with the repercussions of the neglect.
Why didn’t I speak up?
Worst case scenario I was wrong! But the alternative was worse, poor child.
Or my coworker- who didn’t step in and protect the child. Because there was room to say it was just her different standards. Who later ended up dying from an accident stemming from poor parental supervision. (Yes, frum)
If you see something that doesn’t seem right, or you see a child who seems not taken care of- speak up. Best case scenario is you’re wrong, and the child has a capable mother. |
How would speaking up help these situations? How would you find out whether or not you’re right or wrong?
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Trademark
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Today at 11:54 am
Do the poster saying that she allows her young child to decide if she wants to put on a coat, does she also get whatever she wants for dinner even if it's a cookie or does she choose one to go to sleep? Do you let her go to sleep whenever she wants if she insists that she is not tired even though it's obvious that she's very tired?
That's what parents are for, young children can't make their own decisions for their safety and well-being, that's why they are the responsibility of the parents and don't live on their own.
And no you don't get traumatized because parents made you do things. It's how you do it. Every day healthy parents make their children do things, and that's how it should be.
Obviously for each age and stage there is place to allow children Independence and decision making. And as they get older the parents steps back more and more and the child becomes more and more independent. But a seven year old definitely makes very few choices.
And it would be neglect if you just follow the child's lead almost every time
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amother
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Today at 12:27 pm
| Trademark wrote: | Do the poster saying that she allows her young child to decide if she wants to put on a coat, does she also get whatever she wants for dinner even if it's a cookie or does she choose one to go to sleep? Do you let her go to sleep whenever she wants if she insists that she is not tired even though it's obvious that she's very tired?
That's what parents are for, young children can't make their own decisions for their safety and well-being, that's why they are the responsibility of the parents and don't live on their own.
And no you don't get traumatized because parents made you do things. It's how you do it. Every day healthy parents make their children do things, and that's how it should be.
Obviously for each age and stage there is place to allow children Independence and decision making. And as they get older the parents steps back more and more and the child becomes more and more independent. But a seven year old definitely makes very few choices.
And it would be neglect if you just follow the child's lead almost every time |
I really don't get why posters who disagree with me always seem to insist on making it personal about me, instead of discussing the issue at hand. But okay, I'll bite (and I won't be back to answer questions, because I'm not getting sucked into this).
The answer is no, I don't let my kids do whatever they want.
Supper is a family thing, DH/ myself make a decision and that's supper for that night. We take input but once it's decided and cooked that is supper.
Bedtime is for tomorrow morning, it's not about how you feel necessarily at this moment. We remind our kids that if you don't go to sleep on time you have trouble in the morning. The older ones get it. The younger ones not quite yet. But we are also clear that we need bedtime firm because otherwise we don't get to do all the things that don't get done while kids are awake....like sweeping the floor, doing dishes, taxes, freelance, running a million loads of laundry through, breathing, getting ourselves showered and in bed. If you don't go to sleep you will have very cranky and tired parents tonight AND tomorrow so go to sleep now. If you don't want to sleep you don't have to sleep but we shouldn't know that you're still awake.
We DON'T choose our kids clothes for them or their shoes for them or insist they wear their hair a certain way or that they take a certain type of sandwich for lunch. Those are all personal decisions, not family decisions. If a little kid's clothes don't match that's fine, if their hair isn't perfect we praise them to the ganenet that they did their OWN hair ALL BY THEMSELVES today, isn't that amazing? And even when we offered help they refused and they did SO WELL and it looks really nice. So the ganenet knows why it looks that way.... (No we don't say it sarcastically we really ARE proud of the imperfect but well-done effort, but maybe we wouldn't say it to the ganenet if it weren't important for her to know.)
We set limits - you cannot buy a shirt with a Disney character on it or a shoe with a sole that is too slippery. We are not paying 60 NIS for a single shirt or buying a 400 NIS pair of shoes that won't even last because they are a throwaway brand. Within those limits they do get choices.
If you don't let kids practice making their own choices they won't ever learn to do it right and responsibly and thoughtfully.
But more than that, the bottom line is that family choices that affect everyone are made by us. Individual choices that affect only that child can be made by the child. (What color toothbrush do you want this time? Child's choice. What outfit do you want for y"t? Child's choice, I limit by price and fit and tznius. What flavor kid toothpaste is a choice I let the kids make, I don't care but they all have to agree on the flavor or else I will pick whatever I want to pick. They don't want me to pick so they come to an agreement on their own.)
You have to clean up in your room but you can do it on your own, together, taking turns, on Thursday afternoon or on Thursday evening (I don't allow Fridays anymore). You have to shower but you can do it before supper or after supper.
I hope I'm being clear.
Again I don't let them walk out with nothing, they MUST take a coat/sweater (whatever is appropriate for the weather) but they don't have to WEAR it until they feel it necessary. Anyone who isn't old enough to voice an opinion (over here they can voice opinions at 18m) doesn't get asked. Anyone who voices an opinion we can try to respect it.
And I don't walk around with a coat either so why would I force my kids to do what I won't do?
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