How do you instill tznius in your home?

↑ teachkids

Today at 1:11 pm

amother Razzmatazz wrote:

So how do you say that? "Go put on shorts if you want to headstands because...it's not tznius to show your thighs?"

I was raised by BT in mainstream lakewood.

“Loves, you’re too big to show your underwear off, if your skirt is going to go up, you need to go get shorts. “
and then either she goes and gets shorts or she finds something else to play.

amother

Ballota ↓

Today at 1:41 pm

I mention things as they come up. But how does it not come up at all? Like when I shop with my teens I’ll say this is a little tight for our comfort let’s size up or try another style. Or all the wrong things stick out too much on this. They want my input and are happy when I show them what to look for in fit. I also told them they need leggings for bikes and trampolines etc.. at 6 I say we need to wear a swim dress in public places, not just a bathing suit. At some point I say we can’t wear pjs in front of male guests. I don’t understand how you never mention anything at all. How is that possible? Sure they pick up a lot but some things change at certain ages and they don’t necessarily realize. And most kids don’t magically know all of it just by modeling. I don’t get half the responses here.

↑ giftedmom ↓

Today at 1:47 pm

amother Ballota wrote:

IDK all the teens I know including my own are so self conscious when their figure starts changing I have to reassure them that it’s okay to see any shape at all.

amother

↑ Ballota ↓

Today at 1:53 pm

giftedmom wrote:

IDK all the teens I know including my own are so self conscious when their figure starts changing I have to reassure them that it’s okay to see any shape at all.

Mine aren’t like that. We worked on positive body image from when they were toddlers. They just wanted to know what’s ok and what’s tight. So they learned with each thing they tried on.

oohlala

Today at 1:57 pm

It comes up, just the op probably doesn’t remember. It had to have come up while shopping etc but probably she was on board so it was never an issue. With many girls, they want to look like the big girls and wear knee socks, longer sleeves bec to them it’s a sign of growing up and they want to be big. My daughter is in fifth grade in a School that never lectures about tznius, but over the years she has naturally been interested in longer socks etc and I never needed to discuss it with her. She’s uncomfortable wearing clothes that are too short or cut out at the neck and will tell me so. I never discuss these things outright, but I did have to point out that she shouldn’t run around naked in front of her brother and please cover your beautiful tushie. She asked why should I cover it if it’s beautiful and we had a short conversation about that.
There are girls who will not toe the line and push back against standards, but I find that the majority go along with it since it’s part of growing up in our communities.

amother

↑ Lightcyan

Today at 2:05 pm

amother Ballota wrote:

Same. I believe when people say they model and don't preach. But "never" to say "anything" sounds very extreme and almost unbelievable.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 2:50 pm

amother Lightcyan wrote:

I don't understand it either. My mother hardly preached and I don't preach either. But I can't imagine raising a girl for 20 years and the subject of tznius never came up. Just like I teach them about all other mitzvos there are times when I need to explain things regarding tznius as well (especially during shopping or when they're young and I teach them that certain behaviors are not appropriate). I see nothing negative about it. Just basic chinuch.
Preaching and turning tznius into a battle can backfire but I feel regular chinuch whenever it comes up is a responsibility.
So yes, if your seven year old makes a head stand in front of guests and everything is exposed modeling won't help. Mothers usually don't make head stand and kids do. It's appropriate to tell her something then.

My girls are older, but I don't think they would make a headstand past the age that's appropriate. If a 4 year old makes a headstand, it's not something that needs to be talked about, because she will understand on her own at a certain point that one doesn't do that.

If I take them shopping, they understood on their own if the clothing was too short or too tight. Or maybe they would ask if something was see through.

Just as I never have to teach my kids about shabbos and kashrus, they absorb tznius as well.

My husband goes to shul 3 times a day. From the time the boys were ready and showed a willingness to go, they went. (Each child was ready at a different age.) This was never taught to them. They see their father doing it, and they do it as well.

I simply never saw the need to talk about tznius. Not because it's negative, but because it wasn't necessary.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 2:59 pm

amother Lightcyan wrote:

Same. I believe when people say they model and don't preach. But "never" to say "anything" sounds very extreme and almost unbelievable.

Actually, to me it seems extreme when there's a constant talking about tznius in some homes and communities.
I think we can instill tznius just as well without constantly talking about it.

amother

↑ Ballota ↓

Today at 3:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

Actually, to me it seems extreme when there's a constant talking about tznius in some homes and communities.
I think we can instill tznius just as well without constantly talking about it.

Why are we only talking about the 2 extremes? It’s not never or too much. Most people choose the middle ground of appropriate talking at the right times in a non preachy and extreme way.

amother

↑ Ballota ↓

Today at 3:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

Majority of kids don’t magically understand the nuances of clothing and when it’s appropriate to do what. Most of us did have to verbally discuss it. I actually have friends who are married with kids and are constantly asking me questions because they actually don’t know the reasons for things or what’s appropriate because their mother’s never discussed it. And I think it’s doing a huge disservice to your kids. I don’t think just modeling and never ever speaking about things and why you do it that way is good chinuch. Maybe your boys would have wanted to go earlier if they understood what was happening and why? You might have deprived them of things by never speaking about anything. Every time I bump into the product of this type of chinuch, the kids are always confused and lost and often resentful for never being explicitly told anything. It’s our job to be mechanech our kids with love in a gentle way. Not saying anything ever is just not right to them.

amother

Olive

Today at 3:36 pm

Regarding a mother having the right to be upset about her daughter's choices, I think she has the right to feel however she feels, and the responsibility to keep it to herself. It's not even going to help her cause if she cries and yells at her daughter, it's just going to worsen their relationship. She has the right to set household rules while her daughter is living at home, and the right not to pay for clothing that isn't acceptable to her.

I can't imagine never having the need to talk to kids about tznius. (and this is true for boys as well.) My four year old would leave the house in just underwear if I let her. That's not something I model! She gets dressed for school wearing a skirt that she loves but it's getting too short. I don't say, "you need to change because men will look at you." or "You're not tznius, go cover yourself!!!" I just say, "we don't leave the house without clothing. Please come downstairs when you're wearing something on your top and something on your legs." I tell her, "That skirt is too small on you. If you still want to wear it one more time, you can put on leggings under it."

I don't tell them to cover their knees, but I buy long enough skirts for what we hold based on their age. We hold that until age 9, it's really just for practice, so I wouldn't say anything unless they're showing their underwear.
ETA: I mean that I won't say anything about parts of her body showing because her clothing moves around or an extra button opened. I do give instructions about what is ok to wear in the first place, like in the examples I gave

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 3:46 pm

amother Ballota wrote:

Why are we only talking about the 2 extremes? It’s not never or too much. Most people choose the middle ground of appropriate talking at the right times in a non preachy and extreme way.

True. But the middle ground looks different for different people.

My feeling is that talking is not so necessary. Kids who want to push tznius boundaries will do so, regardless of what the mothers say or don't say.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 3:53 pm

amother Ballota wrote:

This is a funny way to phrase things.
My kids are the exact opposite of lost and confused. They have a strong sense of right and wrong.

Maybe it's because we live in a community that has different standards than our family, so they noticed on their own that we do things differently. It didn't have to be discussed. Kids can learn by observing.

In fact, one of my kids is today a teacher in Lakewood. The mother of one of her students mentioned to me that her daughter's teacher (my daughter) is the teacher that is able to explain why we do things the way we do more than typical teachers.

Of course if my kids ask questions, we talk about it.

The question in the OP was how to instill tznius, and so many women on their own responsed that they instill it by modeling rather than by talking.
But if the kids want to talk about things- of course I'm always up for a discussion.

amother

↑ Iris

Today at 3:56 pm

amother Olive wrote:

I did this and then when my daughter became a teenager she let me know that she has a different opinion than me on whether or not her skirt fits.

amother

↑ Ballota

Today at 4:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

It needs to be a combination of both for the majority of the world.

amother

↑ OP

Today at 4:19 pm

In any case, I think that there's a window of time in which parents can influence their child in these areas. By the time the child is a young adult, he or she is well aware of how their parents feel about most of these issues. For the most part, instilling tznius or any other value in your child has a limited timeframe.

If the child chooses to follow- amazing.
But if, despite the modeling and/or lecturing, the child chooses to dress differently, I think the parent must realize that the child is no longer under their sphere of influence.

And yet, in some places parents continue to try to conrrol/influence/dictate the tznius levels of their adult children.