I'm Changing from a Shpitzel to a Sheitel

amother

↑ Teal

Today at 9:21 am

Op.
Don’t move away.
Don’t run to 3 rabbanim.
Don’t let your life be controlled by “sad looks” from your mom.
Honestly, you don’t even need a rav, you are not breaking Halacha or even minhag.
Don’t let the poster who let her life be controlled by “looks of others” scare you off. She obviously was never in a healthy place.
You don’t need any excuses.
It doesn’t matter how many sisters in law do or don’t wear a shpitzel.
Do it FAST. Don’t give them time to intimidate you.
As soon as you’ve don’t it. Don’t let anyone talk you into changing back, even for only a day.

I’ve been through everything you have and I can tell you that making this change was the best thing that happened in my life. It’s not just the liberating feeling of not wearing a shpitzel I despised. It’s also the fact that it forces you to grow up. Grow out of the enmeshed culture. Become a person for yourself. You suddenly realize that all the yentas that talk about you, are the unhealthy ones. Instead of being embarrassed from them, you will feeling pity for them. Other people will start to see the difference in you, and they will respect you. At first they will be scared by you, that you gained confidence and control over your life. Eventually they will respect and even envy you. You will be empowered. Bonus, a wig truly makes one look more beautiful. You got this sister!

amother

Ballota

Today at 9:22 am

amother Mauve wrote:

interesting to see most reply's how brave OP is and how deranged MIL is,
well Dear OP, you are obviously struggling with some issues, and you think by changing to a sheitel all issues will get solved. from personal experience I can tell you they wont, your life will only became a bigger mess, with so many new problems you will have to deal with from now, not only your in family, and yes, every human needs a loving family, imamother is not a family. but all your friends and everywhere you will go, you will get weird looks, which will drive you crazy, believe me I was there already, as I wrote in another post few weeks ago, that it made me eventually change back to a shpitzel,
please take in consideration, that most imas here who are giving you a thumbs up, are that little fraction in our chasiddish society that are struggling, many drive, have guns, going uncovered at home, peggy greenfield is their hero, and who are doing stuff most healthy happy chasiddish ladys do not,
sorry sisters, please do not take it personal, im not here bashing anyone, just bringing out a point, which I realized seeing the poll in the other tread that 75% imas go to therapists!
I also asked a big rabbi, and I was guided by a therapist, who told me my parents will eventually get over it, guess what they did not, even they didnt tell me anything I saw the pain in their eyes, and I felt the weird looks from everywhere years after.
with open eyes now I can see how wrong my therapist was guiding me thru this, yea I felt good and empowered for 2 weeks, but it was like a band-aid on a wound without healing it, my struggles did not go away, and I had to do lots of inner work with a different honest therapist to heal my pain and overcome my struggles.

I know a lot of people IRL in this situation. Changing headgear or other modes of dress or communities or lifestyle was exchanging one set of problems for the other. I'm not dissuading op from doing what she really wishes to do, especially since her husband never wanted this in the first place, but I agree very much that it needs to come with lots of inner work to find the real peace and happiness she's missing in her life.
I wish you and op and everyone else struggling lots of menuchas hanefesh and clarity!

Chayalle

Today at 9:26 am

amother Salmon wrote:

The need for some to control is not unique to one group.

Signed,
A woman who married chassidish and some of my litvish relatives stood up to leave as soon as my husband and I started dancing the mitzvah tanz. They did this as a planned public protest of what they considered a breach of tznius.

They put their chumros ahead of the feelings of the kallah and her family.

I'm sorry you experienced that.
I come from a Heimish background, but married a yeshivish DH. He has family members who are not pro mitzva tanz but no one would ever stage such a protest. It would not be Kavod for the Kallah as you say.

Some (including DH) just wouldn't stay for a mitzva tanz (and often because respect goes two ways - and if DH would stay, some would embarrass him by calling him up. At times where he was assured they wouldn't call him up, he sometimes stayed, quietly minding his own business. At my little sister's wedding my father assured DH he wouldn't be called up. We stayed.)

When my daughter was dating her husband, one night DH and I were up late shmoozing and I brought this up, I knew we had to deal with the elephant in the room...... I said to DH, what are you going to do about the Mitzva Tanz. And DH told me that he believes in Shalom above all, and if the other side (they are Heimish) wants a mitzva tanz we'll negotiate that it be small and we'll deal. We did, they said it would be shorter (well. It was. Somewhat....) DH danced with DD at her mitzva tanz (so did my FIL BTW - he was called up first, danced with DD and then relative took him home.) (My father of course danced with her, it's his minhag. I'm sure he was beyond delighted with disbelief that there was a mitzva tanz at one of my daughter's weddings, something he never anticipated in his wildest dreams....nor did we, truth be told LOL). His relatives did whatever worked for them (most left beforehand. Some stayed.)

Anyway on the topic of headcoverings....I have a yeshivish friend whose MIL does not wear a sheitel. She told me that when her DH was suggested to her, nothing about headcoverings was mentioned, and she assumed it was a non-issue (she's the oldest DIL). At her L'Chaim, her MIL sweetly said to her that of course since she's the younger generation they don't expect her to wear a tichel (this was said almost with a hope that she would say otherwise) but she must wear....(and here her MIL informed her of their stringencies with the wig they would be "allowing" her to wear). She spent the rest of her L'Chaim in shock. She was already engaged, and felt she wasn't given a choice really.

She told me she wore that type of wig for several years and she hated it. She was living someone else's life, someone else's standards. It was not what her husband wanted either. It was not who she is, and she was embarrassed to be seen that way, like it said something about her that didn't represent who she is. And when that wig was worn out and she was getting a new one, she made the decision together with her husband to be true to herself and get a wig according to more normative yeshivish standards (about shoulder length or a drop longer....nothing too crazy.)

She got a tremendous amount of flak from her hysterical MIL, and it has affected their relationship to this day. I respect very much that she simply sets a "it's not up for discussion" boundary and does her best to keep on good terms with them for her part.

I think OP sounds similar to my friend. There's a limit to which you can force your standards on someone who marries into your family. And a person can't live someone else's life.