I'm Changing from a Shpitzel to a Sheitel

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:22 pm

Hi all,
I need your chizuk here.
My husband and I have decided, together with daas torah, that I will change my headgear - from shpitzel to sheitel. To make a long story short - I am what they call a parentified child. My mother does not wear a shpitzel and the reason I agreed to wear it was to satisfy my parents and in laws. I never desired it myself - and as for my husband - he explicitly asked his parents prior to entering shidduchim he does not want a shpitzel.
I've been my father's mom for as long as I recall. Having been blessed with a deep sensitivity my father clung to me from when I was just a little girl. He'd burden me with his shalom bayis ills and woes and I'd lose my mind trying to solve every single problem in his life - be it financial or whatever. I married my husband because my father convinced me the shidduch would repair his public image (my husband is from a reputable family).
Soon after I was married, I quickly took on the parental role to my mother in law. She's a really fragile, insecure, emotionally needy person and I sensed that quickly and felt it was my obligation to be everything she wanted me to be.
Soon after my marriage I fell into a deep depression. I quit my job and spent months and months just sleeping - trying to tune out. Having no choice, I sought professional help and realized I'd have to take charge of my life for once and for all and be me - the person I want to be.
We have two beautiful children and my husband is a truly exceptional boy. My anger at the situation stemmed from the fact that my marriage was simply a means to satisfy my parents. And so it was decided, together with the therapist and marriage counselor we were seeing, that changing my headgear would be the right move for me to finally remove myself from the past and find independence. Of course we also spoke to a rav and he gave us a bracha to proceed.
To make it clear - the sheitels I bought are all really short and tznius'dig. Its not like I purchased 22 inch wigs and changed my entire lifestyle - my sheitel is totally normal and accepted in my community and I would not be considered weird or different or OTD by any standards.
I informed my parents and they were both super unhappy. My mother openly admonished me and lamented how this was a divine punishment from Hashem. I was devastated and nearly decided to call it off but in the end I stuck by. Just this week we informed my in laws. While my father in law had a very reasonable reaction my mother in law totally blew it. She's been screaming, ranting, and sobbing, phoning my husband every single day, several times a day. She even personally came down to my house and told us she's writhing in agony and we can't do this to her. She splurged 10k on jewelry for me to convince me to change my mind.
I'm totally overwhelmed and while I know this is manipulative behavior she is my mother in law and I want to have a good relationship with her. I know when she'll see me with a sheitel she'll burst out crying and I just won't be able to bear it. My husband is overwhelmed and forlorn. Does anyone have experience dealing with a similar situation? What do you suggest we do about my MIL?
Thanks in advance all - much love and appreciation.

amother

Teal

Yesterday at 9:25 pm

Keep your head held high, and do what you have to do with confidence. It won’t take long and they will realize they no longer control you, instead they will start to respect you.
Good luck!
(Btdt)

amother

Petunia ↓

Yesterday at 9:25 pm

Maybe postpone the change until everyone settles down and processed it well enough?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:28 pm

amother Petunia wrote:

Maybe postpone the change until everyone settles down and processed it well enough?

I don't think that'll ever happen though. It'll only encourage my MIL to double down on the pressure.

amother

Burlywood ↓

Yesterday at 9:29 pm

Wow, this sounds so heavy and overwhelming.
You sound like an incredible person.

How will you feel in 5 years if you go ahead with switching to the sheitel?
How about if you keep wearing the shpitzel?

amother

White

Yesterday at 9:30 pm

You have Daas Torah and your husbands support. Yes of course the emotionally unhealthy people will have a hard time with you setting boundaries. Today it’s about the shpitzel and tomorrow it’ll be about something else. Don’t fall for the manipulation. If you fall for it now… this will just be the beginning. Yes there might be repercussions such as your MIL not speaking to you for a while or screaming etc but she will adjust and get used to the new you.

If you give in, you’ll be so resentful and your Shalom bayis will suffer.

amother

Antiquewhite ↓

Yesterday at 9:31 pm

Can you move this to the Chassidish Velt?
I don't see how headgear change is the right answer here, although may be part of a bigger picture of the right answer, but it seems you need to totally unmesh from your mil and your relationship dynamics with her and same for your parents.
I would think intense therapy to change the dynamics. So any steps you'll take will come from a more empowered you, versus taking steps that put you right back in to the dynamics and just add fuel .

giftedmom ↓

Yesterday at 9:31 pm

You’re gonna be okay. You can do hard things.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:32 pm

amother Burlywood wrote:

Thanks love. I appreciate the kind words.

I think I will be proud of myself. If its only for taking a stand and finding my own way in life instead of being an extension of someone. I think if I stay with the shpitzel I'll feel imprisoned in my own misery, angry at myself and the world for being a coward.

amother

Periwinkle ↓

Yesterday at 9:34 pm

No advice really, but just to do what is right for you and your husband and your kids and no one else, especially when you have Daas Torah. Someone on instagram from Monroe recently did similar and also got flak from family, maybe reach out to her. I think her name is Fradel Neuman, I can try to look her up, maybe you can message her.

ETA her name is @fradelneuman on Instagram and @captureit_photography try speaking to her.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:34 pm

amother Antiquewhite wrote:

You are correct. This idea came after 2 years of me being in therapy, learning to live for me and building healthy relationships with others.

amother

Daylily ↓

Yesterday at 9:34 pm

if you have Daas Torah and your husband behind you then don't second guess yourself!
and I would say the faster the better before you lose your nerve or succumb to the pressure!!
and I'm so confused...your mother is devastated but she doesn't even wear one herself!!

amother

Springgreen ↓

Yesterday at 9:36 pm

Sorry I'm not going to give you chizuk to remove your shpitzel and put on a shaitel.
You said your husband is a great guy. So who cares if you were married to satisfy your parents or not. Would you have rather married a bad guy with a shaitel and not have satisfied your parents?
It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation and I'm sorry you have to deal with all of these intense emotions, but I don't think that the shpitzel or a shaitel is really going to solve your problem or even touch on the deeper issue.

I also think that you should reach out to three rabonim and say all of the above to them. - Such as: Reb Leibish, Toldos Aharon Rebbe, R' Shlomo Leib Weinberger, R' Yaakov Meyer Shechter, R' Aizek Spinker, or someone like this to discuss it with rather than a group of anonymous women who do not have the ability to answer a rebbishe shaila. After speaking to them, one way or the other, you won't feel the need for outside chizuk because you'll feel strong having discussed it with daas torah.

I wish you only the best.

amother

Forestgreen ↓

Yesterday at 9:37 pm

You can do this. I tell myself it’s just noise, I can ignore it and they will get over it. It will take a few months, but they will get over themselves. It might be best to not go too often during that time as you make the transition. Take your power back and listen to all those guiding you. We are cheering you on.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:38 pm

amother Springgreen wrote:

I don't think you actually read my post.

amother

↑ Antiquewhite

Yesterday at 9:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

You are correct. This idea came after 2 years of me being in therapy, learning to live for me and building healthy relationships with others.

Oh OK. I wanted to make sure you have support to empower you with the relationship dynamics. Thank you for clarifying.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:39 pm

amother Daylily wrote:

She's upset because this is a downgrade in modesty and the community will talk about me (in a negative way).

queene

Yesterday at 9:40 pm

Hi there is someone on Instagram who shared her story of going from shpitzel to sheitel. Even tho her account is public I don't feel right to post the name here..please pm me and I can send you the info. If you don't use Instagram I can try to message her for you and see if you can contact by email or text.

amother

↑ Springgreen ↓

Yesterday at 9:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't think you actually read my post.

Yes, I did read your post. Every single word of it. I also saw what you said about consulting daas torah, but I have no idea which daas torah you asked. I also said that since it seems that you wrote this thread AFTER already speaking to your daas torah and therapist, that you should rather go and ask THREE rabonim such as those I listed.

amother

Sand

Yesterday at 9:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hashem should give you koach to be your own person and build a one on one authentic relationship with Him.
You should be showered with bracha in your life, lots of nachas, and ahava, achva, shalom, v'reius is your marriage!
Feel confident. You have a bracha from your rav.