Double take-Helping hand

↑ JasmineDragon

Today at 9:16 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

You got a point.
I'm very pleased to hear you have a good relationship with MIL. Most women don't.

Do most women not have a good relationship with their MIL, or is it just that the ones who don't are more likely to post asking for help? Or even the ones with overall good relationships will post asking for help with the hard parts or occasional conflicts, but not talk about the good parts. I have a good relationship with my MIL, as does my sister, and as far as I'm aware my friends do as well.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Today at 9:28 am

amother Catmint wrote:

What?! In what world? SIL is like a sibling! Besides, it’s her husband’s sister, so she should go to her brother before her cousin. I think you’ll agree brother is closer than cousin.

I get it

SIL is like a sibling? I guess it depends who you ask.

amother

↑ Viola

Today at 9:30 am

JasmineDragon wrote:

I agree. Of course there are some women who have strained relationships with their MIL, but that is NOT the norm. You know why? Because having a strained relationship with ANYONE, just becuase they are an in-law relation is unacceptable. Difficult personalities is one thing- but most people have reasonable personalities are can be worked with.
I should start a spin-off, but to say that MOST people dont have a good relationship with a specific family relation is just unnacceptable from a middos perspective!!!

amother

Gardenia ↓

Today at 9:36 am

amother Seagreen wrote:

My takeaway from the story is that these women are way too overburdened and there's something wrong with our system if this is common.

Also I'm a bit confused by the tax accountant reference (I'm a tax accountant). If it's too much, them find a different job, or pay for someone to help (someone mentioned that there are girls available to hire). It doesn't make sense to rely so much on chesed help.

Fully agree. There were so many things wrong with the DT, that it highlights that the problem is our system and not the players.

- if the average woman can't manage without chesed help, something is wrong with the lifestyle.

- why is the number of children a factor in who gets help.

- why do people lay claim to seminary girls as if they're objects. The girls should decide who they want to help, if they want to help and when they want to help

- the current sem system which makes the girls so dependent on other families is not ok. For the exorbitant fees they charge, all services should be included in-house.

- communicate, communicate, communicate

↑ mizle10

Today at 10:15 am

amother NeonBlue wrote:

As someone who has been in Israel for over 10 years, with numerous Chessed girls (only the years I was lucky enough to know people coming in), I have to say some points were completely unrealistic -

Your Chessed girl cooks Shabbos in 3 hours for you?!

Planning your schedule and work commitm,ents around your Chessed girl?

Having the girl for every single meal when you're expecting and not up for it?

Nobody owns thier relatives, just because they happen to be related more or need help. In fact, my own sister opted to go to an Israeli family to get more of an "experience!"

My incredible Chessed girls have taken the kids to the park for 2 hours, usually less, and do not come every week. They have trips and other activities.

I agree with this. A chessed girl is a nice break when it works. If you count on her to be your lifeline you will end up being disappointed.

amother

Rose

Today at 10:22 am

I think Tirtza's MIL was completely wrong when she agreed to let her daughter be someone else's chesed girl without checking with Tirtza first. ( Especially since Tirtza and her SIL seem to be close). Tirtza's mistake was not telling her SIL and her MIL that she also wants her SIL to come to her, so they could have change the arrangements. ( Like split Shiffy'd time in half between two of them , or perhaps Shiffy had a friend going to the same sem who could have requested the other family). Tirtza's main mistake was that she decided to address it so late. Family comes first!! And since Shiffy is expecting to benefit from Tirtza she should be expected to give back as well.

I had two girls in Israeli seminaries, and since we have no relatives in Yerushalaim, they each decided to volunteer for organizations. Both told me that most of the girls going to families are related or know them.

amother

Copper

Today at 10:28 am

amother Catmint wrote:

What?! In what world? SIL is like a sibling! Besides, it’s her husband’s sister, so she should go to her brother before her cousin. I think you’ll agree brother is closer than cousin.

But it doesnt always work out that way. I can count on one hand the times that my single SIL has ever helped me with my kids or done any kind of favor for me.

keym ↓

Today at 10:29 am

I wanted Shiffy and the MIL perspective here.
But I really took away that Tirtza looks like she has everything put together, never says anything and just expects her SIL to read her mind.

↑ keym

Today at 10:36 am

But also I really dislike the culture of relying on teenage girls as the make it or break it if a family falls apart.

Im happy that the Chessed programs exist. But the burden is immense.

amother

↑ Steel ↓

Today at 10:39 am

Am I the only one who wouldn't want a sil as a helping girl? I've had opportunities like this when my sil and nieces come to Seminary locally, but I prefer a non-relative in case it doesn't work out and cause hard feelings. I prefer to have no expectations, and they come to use the washing machine, phone and guest room. If I need their help here and there I ask, but I feel regular help will ruin the relationship.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Today at 10:44 am

keym wrote:

But also I really dislike the culture of relying on teenage girls as the make it or break it if a family falls apart.

It's NEVER a teen girl's responsibility to be the make it or break it.

↑ Bnei Berak 10

Today at 10:45 am

amother Tulip wrote:

My cheesed family was the reason I decided I didn’t want to marry someone in kollel. If my seminary only knew.

You were not treated well I understand.

amother

↑ Gardenia

Today at 10:51 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

You were not treated well I understand.

I don't think it's about being treated well. It's more about seeing that the kollel life places an undue and unbalanced unburden on the woman.

amother

DarkCyan

Today at 10:54 am

Boy am I glad my seminary gave us options for chessed. I chose tutoring Israeli kids. No way was I prepared to take someone else’s kids on my own (with whatever needs or expectations they may have had) weekly. And I honestly don’t understand why anyone would willingly shlep a bag or suitcase full of laundry on a bus to avoid running a load in seminary.

amother

↑ Steel ↓

Today at 11:00 am

Simple1 wrote:

It’s nice to have extra help, but if they literally can’t manage without the sem girls they need another solution.

Why is it any different to relying on a cleaner/nanny/babysitter in order to cope with a large family

amother

Tuberose ↓

Today at 11:02 am

amother Gardenia wrote:

I don't think it's about being treated well. It's more about seeing that the kollel life places an undue and unbalanced unburden on the woman.

Exactly, if the system is so precarious that the women's emotional/physical well being depends on teen volunteers, that's concerning.
Viewing the girls only as commodities and resenting them while wanting their help, that's entitled.
I didn't have sympathy for either woman in the story. Or the husband whose main help was suggesting his wife hire more cleaning help, when they can't afford it and it's only due to his wife being the breadwinner that he's even able to live this lifestyle.