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↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Today at 8:03 am

amother NeonBlue wrote:

I think that the onus should have been on the seminary girl to ask her sil first if she wanted her to help her before going to someone not as closely related. I agree

At the same time one is SIL, her brother's wife and Aviva was her cousin. Isn't cousin closer than a SIL? I don't know.

amother

Topaz

Today at 8:07 am

I think Tirtza did a terrible job communicating, but I felt bad how much she was doing for her sil and how little she was getting back.

Lemaseh Shiffy was coming over for favors a lot.

Tirtza should have been much more forthright with Shiffy about what she needed or could do for her.

amother

Butterscotch

Today at 8:09 am

Tirzta never even asked her sil for any help or explained her expectations to her. Either way it is unfair to expect so much of a seminary girl. They tend to be self absorbed and are not coming to Israel to save overwhelmed kollel wives. It sounds like she came across as pretty put together and didn't work out of the house so sil probably never realized how much she needed the help.

amother

Viola ↓

Today at 8:21 am

Obviously Tirtza had some communication issues- to not being in touch with Shiffy earlier, to then feel like her help wasn't there when she needed, to taking on having Shiffy for a 3-day yt and feeling that it was unfair if she wasn't even helping out but getting hosted.

I'm the typical kollel wife in this scenario and know how this happens.
You need to be communicative and honest about your abilities.
Tirtza lost her opportunity for help when she didn't reach out earlier- the sem girls usually make arrangments in advance, so to ask her cousin that request was not helpful, becuase there usually aren't girsl availalbe, doesnt matter that she has 4 kids.
Now, once her sister in law is here, it is totally okay for her to say, I'm a bit tired bH, feel free to come for supper, do your laundry here, come for meals, but would it also be okay to bring my kids to the park for 30 minutes, or help make the food (that you'll be enjoying on YT?
The message was very much, I have to make my SIL feel at home in Israel, but once she isn't my official chessed girl, will only take and not help at all- and it doesn't need to be this way.

amother

Seagreen ↓

Today at 8:22 am

My takeaway from the story is that these women are way too overburdened and there's something wrong with our system if this is common.

Also I'm a bit confused by the tax accountant reference (I'm a tax accountant). If it's too much, them find a different job, or pay for someone to help (someone mentioned that there are girls available to hire). It doesn't make sense to rely so much on chesed help.

wanttobehappy

Today at 8:26 am

Yeh whole thing was just so Uch… so entitled omg so selfish both of them

amother

Cherry ↓

Today at 8:29 am

wanttobehappy wrote:

Yeh whole thing was just so Uch… so entitled omg so selfish both of them

Well actually the sister in law is being asked to host her sil and friends, and let her do laundry there etc so I don’t think it’s selfish of her to want this in return. It’s mandated by the seminaries, so the girl has to do it anyway- let her at least help out her sil who is there for her and her friends (and her own expense, and while she’s not feeling well due to a pregnancy)

amother

Catmint ↓

Today at 8:30 am

So surprised to hear so many of you feeling that Tirtza was in the wrong. Of course her sister in law should have helped her before her cousin! And yes like all these stories, the lack of communication was ridiculous. She should have told her right when she heard that the cousin had reserved her.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Today at 8:32 am

amother Viola wrote:

I agree one needs to arrange this in advance. Sorry Tirtza but this time you were too late.

notshanarishona

Today at 8:35 am

I think they were all wrong in several ways.
It’s a girl’s choice where she goes, she doesn’t have a chiyuv towards family members although it would have been nice to offer.
Two- cousin was wrong for taking chesed and not offering meals , laundry, etc. that’s part of what’s expected when you have a chessed girl over . It’s a two way street.

It was wrong of sister in law to count on seminary girl.

Wrong of seminary girl to constantly ask for help without giving back (although that is fairly typical for a 19 year old to be selfish). If it not too far to come too laundry its not too far to take the kids to the park.

amother

↑ DarkYellow

Today at 8:37 am

amother Topaz wrote:

Yes I think her resentment was multiplied because she kept agreeing to do things for Shiffy. It’s hard for people to say no but it’s a necessary life skill

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Today at 8:37 am

amother Catmint wrote:

I feel cousin is closer than a SIL. SIL married into the family. Cousin is always cousin.

singleagain

Today at 8:38 am

20 years ago when I was in sem, I did chesed by someone who has no kids. Since when did number of kids determine who deserved chesed.

amother

↑ Cherry

Today at 8:45 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

I feel cousin is closer than a SIL. SIL married into the family. Cousin is always cousin.

No
Sil is married to her brother, a brother is closer than a cousin

My mil treats me like a daughter. She gifts me $100 on my birthday, she doesn’t give her nieces $100 for their birthdays! She comes to help me after I have a baby, not meet nieces!

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Today at 8:54 am

amother Cherry wrote:

You got a point.
I'm very pleased to hear you have a good relationship with MIL. Most women don't.

Chayalle ↓

Today at 8:54 am

I don't understand why the seminary girl's mother committed her to help her cousin. That should have been something she decided on her own, when she got there. She might decide to help the cousin because she's close by, and she definitely should help her SIL if she expects to go to her for YT with friends. She should be mature and make these choices appropriately on her own.

I want to share my experience in my first seminary days with you. I come from XYZ city. The first Shabbos I was in seminary, our seminary placed us out for Shalosh Seudos in the seminary neighborhood (together with other girls, 1 or 2 or 3 girls together....it was mandatory). I was placed by family A, whom I'd never heard of before and didn't know at all. When I got there, Mrs. A said, which one of you is from XYZ. I said that's me. She sort of looked a little disappointed that we didn't know each other, but informed me that she always makes sure to get a girl from her city.

The next day I got called to the phone, and she asked me to come take her 5 kids to the park. And the next. And the next. And come up and wash the dishes and help with baths and cooking before YT and what not. If I had hw or a test, she still pressured me. She had basically targeted me as her Chessed girl for the year. Her strategy was to get a girl from her town that first Shabbos, whom she hoped to have a connection with (her family was involved in Chinuch in my city in a school I had not attended) and could sort of push into that position.

I'm not averse to doing Chessed, but this one came with tremendous pressure, difficult kids I couldn't manage well on my own, and not a very pleasant environment. I just learned to not be available and set boundaries. Oh, and I signed up to the school Chessed program and went every Thursday night to a really sweet family not anywhere near my seminary, that also needed the help (but in a more relaxed and appreciative environment). (Those kids are probably grown up and married now with families of their own. I remember them so fondly, they were like my little niece and nephews for the year).

So this Family Take hit a raw nerve with me.

amother

↑ Catmint ↓

Today at 8:58 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

I feel cousin is closer than a SIL. SIL married into the family. Cousin is always cousin.

What?! In what world? SIL is like a sibling! Besides, it’s her husband’s sister, so she should go to her brother before her cousin. I think you’ll agree brother is closer than cousin.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Today at 9:06 am

amother Catmint wrote:

What?! In what world? SIL is like a sibling! Besides, it’s her husband’s sister, so she should go to her brother before her cousin. I think you’ll agree brother is closer than cousin.

Plus it's the brother and SIL who are expected to be her home away from home, hosting her and being available to her that year, more than the cousin.

And why wouldn't you consider that she's helping her BROTHER (not just her SIL. Or do you think it's all the job of the woman?) who is her closer relative than her cousin.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Today at 9:07 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

You got a point.
I'm very pleased to hear you have a good relationship with MIL. Most women don't.

Um what? I BH had a great relationship with my MIL AH. My daughters BH love their MILs. I know tons of women who do.

mizle10 ↓

Today at 9:09 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

You got a point.
I'm very pleased to hear you have a good relationship with MIL. Most women don't.

A SIL is absolutely closer than a cousin!!

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