My house is dysfunctional

amother

OP ↓

Today at 2:20 am

my hosue is dysfunctional. I guess sometimes it really is. but shoudl I give up? I'm doing the best I could and I don't know what I can do more to fix it?

To give you some background. Dh Is not mentally well (though maybe he thinks he is) he does nothing in the in the house - nothing not a single bit of taking of anything or children or money. I work full time and I take care of everything.

(and yes I am overwhelmed)

Now I have a bunch of ADHD kids and my 13 year old is especially dificult. My kids don't listen so well. dh suddenly got into this mode that the kids must listen or else. but he's making the house miseralbe with his attempts.
so shabbos morning my 6 year old ran out without shoes. dh came home and saw this and was fuming that the house is dysnfunctional. Again I have to do everything and then I'ts all my fault when the kids make trouble or don't listen.
I'm so sick and tired of this.. I don't know what to do. I'm really thinking of divorce but that won't really help the kids (it will help get rid of his stress but then do I have to worry about when kids are with him?)

I feel so overwhelmed and dysfunctional myself - should I jsut give up and let others take the kids? (dh def can't - he'll beat them if I'm not here)

amother

Currant

Today at 2:50 am

I'm so sorry Heart

You are an amazing mom. You can do this. Hang on.

Does DH work?

Obviously everyone is going to recommend therapy. If he doesn't agree or you can't afford it, please focus on your own growth to take charge of the situation. He needs to know that his attitude is not ok. That can play out in a few ways - your own therapy, a mastery course, yoga classes, I don't know what works for you.

Can you get help for the kids and the house? Chessed girls?

Is there a rav to involve?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 3:40 am

he doesn't work
he won't go for therapy
I keep debating if I should go - I know he won't like it...

no rav involved. somehow dh manages to disconnect with any rov he connects with when he finds out they are not perfect.

kosherkween

Today at 5:02 am

Oish that's really brutal. I can't even imagine going through this every day. 💔.
Just a few tips. (If it doesn't make sense, you can ttly ignore)

-fill up your gas tank first, make sure you have a good breakfast, lunch, sleep etc. Make sure your drawer, spaces are clean.

-Focus on one day at a time, one hr etc. Don't focus on tomorrow, next week..

-Done is better than perfect.

-small tiny bursts of love for ure kids goes a long way. Just pull them aside, tell them a secret "I love you". Hugs, kisses when not expected are delicious.

-make only quick one pan suppers, chicken rice, chicken potatoes, baked ziti, all straight into oven, no pots.

-no advice for the marriage, that's above my pay grade

amother

↑ OP

Today at 5:31 am

well recently dh decided that the only way to get the kids to listen is to threaten with the belt. I stood up to this - and he knows I will not let this - even if it means goodbye marriage. (he didn't talk to me for a week the last time I stopped him)
this shabbos he threatened but I kept the kid he was upset at away from him and busy. - but this is adding a big extra stress in my life.

All I ever wanted was to be a good wife and good mother but I feel like I'm failing even though I try so hard.

amother

Chicory ↓

Today at 5:41 am

amother OP wrote:

You’re not failing, you’re dealing with a difficult situation that is beyond your control. Your husbands behavior is not your failure. The fact that you’re not allowing it is actually the opposite of failure, you’re standing up against it.

I’m so sorry OP. I can’t advise more because I’m not qualified but you’re doing the right thing by protecting your kids

amother

Aubergine

Today at 6:45 am

You're in a very difficult situation. I hope it gets better. I just want to point out that a child running out without shoes is NOT dysfunctional in any way. My kids do it allt he time and even I do. In your DH eyes I guess he feels it is but it's not.

You are doing amazing!

amother

↑ Chicory

Today at 6:56 am

amother Aubergine wrote:

Yes also this. I have one kid who won’t wear shoes when he’s running to a neighbor (even across the street, by the time I and calling to put on his shoes he’s halfway there). Also he won’t ever wear a coat. Period. B”H he owns a nice warm coat that we got as a hand me down but he doesn’t wear coats 🤷‍♀️. Maybe it’s a sensory thing.
Definitely not dysfunctional in and of itself

oneofakind

Today at 8:08 am

A person who doesn't work, won't get help and won't listen to anyone is not entitled to have an opinion in your home. Let me explain.
His beliefs are meaningless because they are not coming from a healthy place. The most glaring dysfunction in your home is HIM. Not the kid running outside without shoes.
If you can't figure out how to take control over this situation, get a therapist.
You get to decide if this marriage is worth staying in and is he making the kids worse. Speak to a lawyer whether you would have to pay him alimony because you are the breadwinner.
Do your kids need therapy medication or better parenting?
You have a lot of work to do and none of it has to do with his opinion.
Good luck

amother

Floralwhite

Today at 8:22 am

Just wanted to say you sound like an incredible human being!!!

My dad was and is a very emotionally unwell person. Any sense of stability and normalcy we have is thanks to my mother!

We were left very scarred but having a strong stable mom helped with the recovery once we moved on.

Do whatever it takes to get help in the house and take real good care of yourself.

I'm not pro divorce. It's a hell of a journey and the kids will suffer the same either way. But if you do go that route you could insist on supervised visitation when he's in charge.

Also would you consider putting the kids on meds? Stress you getting lots of services for them? If you haven't yet...pls consider birth control...