Should I let my dd have a bf?

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

I say no to easy things. This is hard one.
I’ve seen the whole otd thing happen and I’m scared by saying no it’ll backfire

I think this is an insecurity you need to get help for. If she’s a BY girl she’ll be disappointed you didn’t point out that it’s a contradiction to have a boyfriend. Don’t let your insecurities get in the way of parenting.

amother

↑ Bluebell ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yep. And if I say no will she rebel and not wanna ask my permission

Did you never say no to her? Why would you think saying no would cause your, in your words, non rebellious teen - to rebel?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:52 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

To add to this- do you know what your Hashkafa is?

It’s confusing. I would say for me personally RWMO. My hubby would say CC. Those 2 worlds don’t rlly clash. We agree on most things hashkafically tho

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:53 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

Did you never say no to her? Why would you think saying boo would cause your, in your words, non rebellious teen - to rebel?

Bec it’s what I’ve seen/ heard

amother

↑ Cappuccino ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:53 pm

Is this a troll?

No offense at all OP, but you won’t allow your frum BY-type daughter to begin shidduchim at 18 but you ARE considering that she should have a boyfriend at 16- and you haven’t even thought about why you won’t allow her to begin shidduchim in 2 years (which obviously seems like the better option here rather than at age 21)?

Something isn’t adding up, sorry. I’ve never heard such a thing in a frum family.

camp123

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:53 pm

It's she's a frum girl and asking this she probably wants to know that the issue is.
She probably doesn't understand the male relations drive, and the issur for a male to waste seed. I would talk to her about that. It's probably not such an issue for a girl to have a boy friend, the issue is for a boy to have a girl friend. If she wants to marry someone who is halachik, you mentioned she davens, wants to be home by shkia, this kind of guy will not want a girlfriend until he's ready for marriage. My guess is that she can't see the issue for herself bc she's a good girl and thinks she wouldn't do anything wrong with him.

amother

↑ Cyclamen

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:54 pm

She's 16.
I really think your taking her question of " do you allow her to " at face value when it's not. I think it's an opening for conversation. 16 year olds don't ask moms If they can have a bf if they're going to they just do it.
My neighbor was so proud that her son asked her if he can vape. Of course she told him no...he was already smoking cigarettes and using ecigs for a yr.
What's the point of asking?
Please have lots of open conversations

amother

↑ Bluebell ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

I say no to easy things. This is hard one.
I’ve seen the whole otd thing happen and I’m scared by saying no it’ll backfire

Parents not knowing what the time standards are isn't what keeps kids from going OTD

I get it that this is a hard conversation, but you need to clear the irrational fears and be confident in your parenting.
Think about your values/goals/reasons and communicate clearly with her

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:56 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

My reasoning behind the shidduchim Is that we believe Kids should finish college before getting married. So even if she did have a boyfriend and wanted to marry him, I wouldn’t allow it until she’s done w collage. When you let them start shidduchim so early, they wanna just get married before down w education, which isn’t ok.

I know how hard it is to be juggling work ,School ,and having a child so that is not an option for her at the age of 19.

amother

↑ Bluebell ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

idk I rlly haven’t thought abt that

Time to really think about things
I hope you can hash things out well and have much clarity that'll boost your confidence that you're doing what's right
It isn't always easy to get out if autopilot mode
But ultimately this is what will build your child's future

↑ sequoia

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:57 pm

If the daughter knows her mother grew up MO, with coed friendships and boyfriends, and it clearly wasn’t the end of the world, it’s not that surprising that she’s considering the idea. It doesn’t mean that “something is wrong”; it just means that she’s aware that there are circles where it’s okay. Give people, including teenagers, credit. Flexible thinking and honesty with her parents are all good things.

amother

↑ Bluebell ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

Bec it’s what I’ve seen/ heard

Like a poster said previously it sounds like working through your insecurities will help you in your parenting journey

NechaMom ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

She can take BC if she gets married before she's ready to have a baby. She will probably need to take anyway if she has a boyfriend at 16.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:59 pm

camp123 wrote:

I will explain all of this to her. Let’s hope this goes well

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

And why isn’t it scaring you to push these plans on her? College and waiting for marriage? I think that causes way more rebellion. You want to make her adult choices for her but can’t point out what’s wrong with a boyfriend? This is such a contradiction.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:59 pm

NechaMom wrote:

She can take BC if she gets married before she's ready to have a baby. She will probably need to take anyway if she has a boyfriend at 16.

My daughters not having relations, she wants to talk to a guy on the phone maybe hang out but she has her values and I’m hoping she will stick to them

amother

NeonPurple ↓

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 12:00 am

No no no.

It is completely unacceptable for a BY a girl to have a boyfriend. No good BY seminar will even consider her if they know that. If it's a known thing, she'll become damaged goods in Shidduchim.

No kid goes OTD from nowhere. If she's a committed and non-rebellious kid, you need to be comfortable with your own authority.

That being said, she probably also will listen to reason. Explain to her how it'll hurt her future. Also get your sources straight. You said she's very careful about shkiah. In the BY world, having a boyfriend is considered world, having a boyfriend is considered the issue deoraysa of lo sikrivu. In any world, having affectionate touch without going to mikva is asur. Being shomer is doable but hard. Having relations without going to mikvah is a chiyuv kares, whether you're married or not.

You sound like you have a hard time saying no. And it sounds like your daughter is exactly the same way. She needs to learn that she can say no to any boy or man who approaches her ever. She never owes any male her attentions.

You wonder why she asked you. I wonder if it's so she can say that my mother doesn't let. She needs you to be strong for her.

amother

↑ Cappuccino ↓

Sun, Nov 24 2024, 12:00 am

sequoia wrote:

It’s more so the idea that OP won’t allow her to begin shidduchim at 18. It’s very odd considering she’s thinking of allowing her frum daughter to have a boyfriend instead at 16.