Should I let my dd have a bf?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:01 pm

sequoia wrote:

If the daughter knows her mother grew up MO, with coed friendships and boyfriends, and it clearly wasn’t the end of the world, it’s not that surprising that she’s considering the idea. It doesn’t mean that “something is wrong”; it just means that she’s aware that there are circles where it’s okay. Give people, including teenagers, credit. Flexible thinking and honesty with her parents are all good things.

And this is why I feel like I can’t say no Bec I did the same thing

↑ NechaMom ↓

Yesterday at 9:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

My daughters not having relations, she wants to talk to a guy on the phone maybe hang out but she has her values and I’m hoping she will stick to them

I'm hoping too for your sake, but you can never be too safe. Boyfriends usually don't stop at phone calls or hanging out without touching.

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Yesterday at 9:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

My daughters not having relations, she wants to talk to a guy on the phone maybe hang out but she has her values and I’m hoping she will stick to them

You absolutely can’t know that. That’s why there is a line of no boyfriends. Once you cross that line they have relations 90% of the time. It’s very naive to think she won’t rebel against you saying no relations but will rebel against no boyfriend? Sounds like you think a boyfriend is fine.

amother

↑ Bluebell ↓

Yesterday at 9:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

I will explain all of this to her. Let’s hope this goes well

You can't explain someone else's beliefs to her. You need to explain your own. please work through your belief system first

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Yesterday at 9:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

And this is why I feel like I can’t say no Bec I did the same thing

So what? Did you grow up like her? It’s not the same thing.

amother

↑ Bluebell ↓

Yesterday at 9:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

My daughters not having relations, she wants to talk to a guy on the phone maybe hang out but she has her values and I’m hoping she will stick to them

What are her values? Where do they come from?
What are your values? Do you know?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:04 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

No no no.

It is completely unacceptable for a BY a girl to have a boyfriend. No good BY seminar will even consider her if they know that. If it's a known thing, she'll become damaged goods in Shidduchim.

No kid goes OTD from nowhere. If she's a committed and non-rebellious kid, you need to be comfortable with your own authority.

That being said, she probably also will listen to reason. Explain to her how it'll hurt her future. Also get your sources straight. You said she's very careful about shkiah. In the BY world, having a boyfriend is considered world, having a boyfriend is considered the issue deoraysa of lo sikrivu. In any world, having affectionate touch without going to mikva is asur. Being shomer is doable but hard. Having relations without going to mikvah is a chiyuv kares, whether you're married or not.

You sound like you have a hard time saying no. And it sounds like your daughter is exactly the same way. She needs to learn that she can say no to any boy or man who approaches her ever. She never owes any male her attentions.

You wonder why she asked you. I wonder if it's so she can say that my mother doesn't let. She needs you to be strong for her.

I never thought abt it like this. I think I’m just gonna tell her no and explain it all and then see if this was rlly just her reasoning of even asking

↑ NechaMom ↓

Yesterday at 9:05 pm

Op, I wonder if she meant a boy friend or a boyfriend. There's a difference there.

amother

↑ NeonPurple ↓

Yesterday at 9:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

I never thought abt it like this. I think I’m just gonna tell her no and explain it all and then see if this was rlly just her reasoning of even asking

Which is why I wrote six paragraphs. Hoping one of them would resonate Wink

amother

↑ NeonPurple ↓

Yesterday at 9:05 pm

NechaMom wrote:

Op, I wonder if she meant a boy friend or a boyfriend. There's a difference there.

Not in the BY world

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:06 pm

NechaMom wrote:

Op, I wonder if she meant a boy friend or a boyfriend. There's a difference there.

She knows we are ok w her having friends who are guys if we are around.

amother

↑ Cappuccino ↓

Yesterday at 9:06 pm

I also had boyfriends growing up (no I’m not “damaged goods” BTW and married a very frum man). I obviously became more frum now

But I’ll still say no to my children. Absolutely not. Once they date, it’ll be for marriage with somebody who’s serious about being in their life.

amother

↑ Bluebell ↓

Yesterday at 9:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

And this is why I feel like I can’t say no Bec I did the same thing

Again, you need clarity regarding your own values. It's ok if you grew and changed and not every choice your pay self made aligns with your current Hashkafa and the way your raising your family. But not being clear in what your belief system is us extremely damaging.
As you can see in this scenario where it really should be clear to you what is and isn't acceptable in your home and why, but since it isn't it's now a whole deal

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:06 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

Which is why I wrote six paragraphs. Hoping one of them would resonate Wink

Thank you so much!

giftedmom

Yesterday at 9:06 pm

No teenage boy ever asked for a girls number because he wanted to talk to her on the phone

↑ NechaMom ↓

Yesterday at 9:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

She knows we are ok w her having friends who are guys if we are around.

So what was she planning to do with one boyfriend more than her other guy friends that needs your permission?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:09 pm

NechaMom wrote:

So what was she planning to do with one boyfriend more than her other guy friends that needs your permission?

Idk tbh

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:09 pm

[quote="giftedmom"]No teenage boy ever asked for a girls number because he wanted to talk to her on the phone[/quote

lol

amother

↑ Gold

Yesterday at 9:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

She knows we are ok w her having friends who are guys if we are around.

So then what did she want to do more than that? She’s asking about relations..

↑ NechaMom ↓

Yesterday at 9:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

Idk tbh

I think you're being a bit naive or in denial. If she already has guy friends and wants one specific boyfriend she will not stop at phone calls or hanging out.

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