If we gift our married son a house do we have to put DIL’s n

amother

↑ Aconite ↓

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 9:34 pm

amother Floralwhite wrote:

Whether she’s deserving of anything or not, the MIL has no right to give her the punishment for it

How is it a punishment to not gift her?

She isn't taking anything away from her.

She doesn't owe her a house for goodness sake.

amother

↑ Aconite ↓

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 9:41 pm

amother Amaryllis wrote:

Usually mother lives with the children, they should just be homeless?

What are they doing right now without the house?
Where is she living now?
Why are you jumping straight to homelessness?
People keep forgetting it's a gift, an extra. It's not the normal way people usually acquire a home.

Maybe she has parents who can buy her a house too. Why should it just be his parents?

Ok yeah I know it's not exactly common but that's exactly my point. Many of you are acting like this is the normal way to get a house and she has rights to it.

Soon as my father's lawyer found out I was having marriage problems he told my father to change his will and put my share in a trust.

Do you think he did something wrong by doing that? or was it acceptable because I'm a woman?

amother

↑ Birch ↓

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 9:46 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

How is it a punishment to not gift her?

She isn't taking anything away from her.

She doesn't owe her a house for goodness sake.

There are ways to give a gift and be nasty while you're doing it.

"I bought you this expensive vacuum. It looks like you need one in your house." "I got you this expensive perfume. Yours smells cheap and tacky." "I bought you a gym membership. You look like you've put in a few pounds recently." "I bought you this house. We're only putting it in son's name since we don't view you as family and don't anticipate this marriage lasting."

amother

↑ Birch

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 9:48 pm

amother Holly wrote:

Personally, I would not be offended. I would be very happy if my in laws bought us a house even if only dh's name was on it.

Even if you knew the reason they wouldn't add you was because they don't see the marriage lasting?

amother

↑ Latte

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 9:50 pm

amother Birch wrote:

Even if you knew the reason they wouldn't add you was because they don't see the marriage lasting?

Then your issue isn't her gifting it to her son exclusively, your issue is her telling them that she doesn't believe in their marriage. Of course that would be a nasty thing l to say. I think everyone here agrees with you on that point.

amother

↑ Floralwhite

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 9:53 pm

amother Latte wrote:

That’s what this whole thing is about. It’s a nasty thing that she’s doing. That’s why she doesn’t want to put DIL name on it

amother

Starflower

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 9:55 pm

I don’t think you have to BUT, if it would be me, I’d be next level furious. I have a bad relationship with my in laws and this would have just escalated the friction. Your right you don’t owe your dil a house but she is your sons spouse and with that, she carried your grandchildren in her womb. She is now part of your family and should be treated as one. If cv something was to happen to your son, would you kick her and your grandchildren out of that house? I sure hope the answer is no!

amother

Lightcoral

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 9:57 pm

amother Nectarine wrote:

Second this. Leaving her off is risking their shalom bayis.
Anyway, assuming you’re in NY or NJ, not putting her name on the deed means nothing should they ever get divorced or she develop a debt problem - both states consider any property acquired during the marriage to be marital property regardless of who is on the deed.

This is actually not completely accurate. It is subject to equitable distribution if it was acquired with marital money, a gift or inheritance is not marital money and not necessarily subject to equitable distribution.

amother

Crimson

Wed, Nov 20 2024, 10:08 pm

We switched names on our deed years ago so maybe it changes, but it couldn’t have been a lot or we wouldn’t have done it.

amother Carnation wrote:

It costed us very little. A few hundred to add names to title.

amother

↑ Aconite ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 12:53 am

amother Birch wrote:

You are missing the point. She is gifting her son, not her daughter in law.
Dil doesn't automatically have rights to her husband's gift.
OP is perfectly within her rights to make sure that an inheritance from her own parents stays in the family.
How she goes about it is one thing, she needs to do it right but that's a seperate issue.

amother

↑ Aconite ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 12:57 am

amother Birch wrote:

Even if you knew the reason they wouldn't add you was because they don't see the marriage lasting?

Why should she know that? OP has been advised plenty on this thread about seeking out professional advice and considering putting it in a trust

notshanarishona

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:04 am

Raizle wrote:

Why?
You don't know details and you are responding from emotion. I took it for granted OP has a reason.

A home is typically something that is owned together, even if one side pays for it. Putting in one person’s name is sending the message that either you don’t count them as family or you don’t think the marriage will lest, both messages are harmful and can cause shalom bayis problems. In a case of divorce in all likelihood husband would have to pay child support/ expenses especially if wife has custody. It’s just making a fight, marriage everything should be in both names unless some major mutually agreed benefit of only 1. A house is something they need equal authority over.

amother

↑ Aconite ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:09 am

amother Floralwhite wrote:

That’s what this whole thing is about. It’s a nasty thing that she’s doing. That’s why she doesn’t want to put DIL name on it

No that's not what this whole thing is about.
She asked if she has to put her daughter in law's name on the deed.
She didn't ask if she should tell her Dil that she isn't putting her name on because she lacks faith in their marriage.

Why is it nasty?
I'm trying to understand.
If your son was in a rocky marriage with a good chance of failing and you have an out of the ordinary gift for him,(because let's face it, it is out of the ordinary, most parents can't afford to give their kids a house. At most they might help with a deposit. )
And this gift is a major family heirloom which you understandably want to make sure stays in the family, wouldn't you take measures to make sure it stays in the family?

Even if OP put a deposit on a home for them, where I live you could actually count that share of the house (the deposit) as going back to the parents in the event of a division of assets. It would be easier if you had it formally in writing from the beginning but it is still a consideration regardless.

amother

↑ Aconite

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:13 am

notshanarishona wrote:

Typically a home that is owned together isn't gifted by someone else.

amother

Outerspace ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:59 am

So OP, I have a proposal that might help solve your dilemma.

You say the house is an inheritance that you received. Lie for the sake of peace and say that the house was left to you but with the clause that you gift it to your son in his name and his name only, so that it stays in the family, and with a condition that it never be sold outside the family. Say that this was the condition set by the person who passed away, who saw things a certain way based on their own life, and you feel obligated to honor their last wishes. Stress that it has nothing to do with your DIL and it's not a reflection of her.

Personally if we were gifted a house in a will, from either side, neither of us would care whose name it was under, we would just be grateful.

amother

Acacia

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 6:36 am

There are more chances that the son will live alone in a big house if in-laws are not accepting and send negative vibes.
Let’s face it marriage is forever. Even if they divorce she still was his wife and bore his children the grandchildren forever.
That does not have a price tag , not even a price of a big house.
And there are more chances that they’ll live together in the house if she doesn’t sense concrete plans for divorce.
All the stories you’ll tell her about will clauses and stuff won’t help she’ll sense it’s baloney.

amother

↑ Lemonlime

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 8:02 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

And if something were to chv happen to the son, and the dil is left alone raising and supporting their kids?
Dil shouldn't have the ability to buy or sell or do repairs on behalf of her kids?

I know so many stories where the grandparents had financial control practically over their grandchildren and it was very messy.