Low maintenence/materialistic

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Nov 19 2024, 12:49 pm

I got married 5 years ago
My parents paid for the vort, wedding hall, gown rentals, clothing*, hair and makeup, sheitels, shabbos sheva brachos, pots and pans**

*I went into marriage with my regular clothing, my mother bought me a few extra shabbos dresses as I didn't have enough for sheva brachos

**People gifted us with food processor, mixer, basic kitchen utensils. Whatever we weren't gifted we bought as needed

We used wedding money to buy 2 beds and a dresser and night table. Not a set. No headboards either. We also bought a dinnete set and ikea bookshelves and a couch.
While engaged I set up the apartment, stocked it with towels and linen and detergent and tissues and all the random things a house needs.
During sheva brachos we went on a trip to a grocery store and stocked up on basic cooking and baking ingredients.

We definitely didn't get a car. My husband had one from his parents for dating which we used until we bought our own.

My parents aren't poor, they're lower middle class and I completely didn't expect to go into marriage with an entire new wardrobe, bedroom and dining room sets!
I didn't and don't feel deprived. I am extremely grateful to my parents! They made a beautiful vort, wedding and shabbos sheva brachos. It was all beautiful.
I grew up oot in a low materialistic environment.
This is how my friends and classmates were raised as well, and how they were married off as well.

Reading imamother I often feel like I live in a different world

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, Nov 19 2024, 12:53 pm

There are plenty of us around, same we got married our parents paid for it simple wedding- we bought a few things furniture, apartment stuff with our own savings bc we also got married later around 30s so we had savings … I never relied on my parents they raised us to be self sufficient and live within our means.

Hopefully I can give those same values to my children beH

amother

Amaranthus

Tue, Nov 19 2024, 12:58 pm

I am marrying off a DD. I am failing to understand the new wardrobe she needs.
Can someone please explain?
She had beautiful clothes as a Kallah maidel, for dates and for shul. In shidduchim she was seeing and being seen and needed to look her best. Why are they not good enough? They fit and she has plenty. Her work wardrobe is plentiful now and wouldn’t change. What new wardrobe would I even buy her? What is different about what she has and what she would wear for Sheva brachot? Genuinely confused.

I am paying for a wedding. Aren’t wedding gifts to set up her new (temporary) home? Why would she want high end furniture to overwhelm her first 1 bedroom apartment? Be”H she won’t be there too long and most certainly doesn’t need high end furniture. IKEA is perfect.

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Nov 19 2024, 1:01 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

Exactly. Why can't she continue wearing whatever she wore while dating? Maybe fill in if she needs an extra shabbos dress or new under garments.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Nov 19 2024, 1:05 pm

Same and I was happy but after I heard from a few friends that they got plenty of stuff for free like sheital furniture clothing and I felt a little jealous that they got all these beautiful stuff. It doesn’t bother me to live within my means but it bothers me when people who have similar to me get a bunch of stuff free and then use the other money that they had saved for brand name or expensive items that they otherwise couldn’t afford.

amother

↑ Lotus

Tue, Nov 19 2024, 1:09 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

So don't buy her a new wardrobe. Who is forcing you?
And don"t get high end furniture either. Get used on hyd shinya, imzist etc or from IKEA

amother

Sienna

Tue, Nov 19 2024, 1:23 pm

Im Lubavitch and most couples get married with basics, some second hand, some Ikea. Parents buy beds but the rest of the furniture and housewares are a combination of gifts and the couple themselves buying.
We get a peice of jewelry at the Lchaim and a diamond ring in the yichud room, a leather siddur or tehillim and leichter, those are the gifts.
Girls buy some lingerie and linen and supplemental Sheva Brochos clothes if needed but no one is getting a full new wardrobe. Most girls have nice wardrobe they wear and use during this dating stage of their lives. These items are also bought by either the girl or her parents depending on finances.
Kallahs get at least one shaitel, or one nice or and one more basic. Also who pays for these depends on the families finances.
No one buys anyone a car and there is no "support for x number of years". There's a huge range of earning ability that really is couple dependent.
Of course the wealthy families do differently but this is the average.

amother

Chambray

Tue, Nov 19 2024, 1:24 pm

Married almost 20 years and dh and I come from well-off families. I don't think we own more than 3 pieces of furniture that were bought brand new. Everything else (even now) was either hand me down or bought second hand very cheap from moving sales. It's not that hard to find decent second hand furniture. Linens and towels were hand me downs from my parents (my mother is a bit of a linen hoarder and had more than enough for us to take some for ourselves. Plus it made my father happy to have her pare down lol). New wardrobe is silly, iyh you get pregnant fairly soon and nothing fits ever again anyway.

amother

Nutmeg ↓

Tue, Nov 19 2024, 1:31 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

I posted the basic breakdown of expenses on the other thread.
Our daughter didn't get a whole new wardrobe, though we did buy her some new clothes for Sheva Brachos...nothing major or excessively expensive.
Now a while later, nothing fits anyway, and she says she's glad she didn't go crazy.....

I do think there has been a massive shift with gifts that didn't exist when I got married around 30 years ago....back then people gave practical gifts. You were lucky if you got a food processor or your friends chipped in to get you a Bosch. Maybe some sets of pots or silverware! No one does that anymore. Instead, gifts are to high-end places (my daughter traded them all in for a set of china and some glassware that she didn't really need but there was nothing else practical). I think the reason for this is so many people get from Tiferes Devorah L'Kallah (or the equivalent in other communities) that practical gifts are not needed anymore because they get those for free or cost price. So they give these expensive gifts that no one needs.

amother

↑ Nutmeg

Tue, Nov 19 2024, 1:47 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

I am paying for a wedding. Aren’t wedding gifts to set up her new (temporary) home? Why would she want high end furniture to overwhelm her first 1 bedroom apartment? Be”H she won’t be there too long and most certainly doesn’t need high end furniture. IKEA is perfect.

I didn't buy my daughter very high-end furniture, but did get her a nice bedroom set for her apartment. BEH when she moves she will get a mover to move it.

My parents did get me a nice bedroom set when I got married, and I'm still using that same set. So I got for my daughter as well, and hope she uses it for many years. I doubt I'll give her that in the future, so now is the time I set her up and it's when she's getting it. I consider that cost-effective, to buying twice (IKEA isn't free either).

amother

Freesia

Tue, Nov 19 2024, 2:53 pm

Married 40+ years. Still have furniture from dh and my childhood bedrooms or that we each bought when single; a desk I bought secondhand when I was single; a dining table we got third or fourth hand 25 years ago; a bookcase that belonged to my grandparents, rather frail now (the bookcase, not the grandparents, who were niftar fifty to seventy-five years ago); we sleep on a high riser set with no headboards; and I finally bought myself a stand mixer a few years ago because a musculoskeletal injury makes it a bad idea for me to knead challah by hand.

I borrowed a wedding gown from one friend, a veil from another, a petticoat from a third, and did my own hair and makeup ( and looked 1000x better than I did after spending big buck$ on MUAs for my kids' weddings).

My kids have a combo of new and secondhand (or third or fourth) furniture, secondhand cars, and inexpensive decor.

No, not everyone gets (or wants) the Princess Package for Kallahs. But I can see how reading imamother--or BP Shopper or the Lakewood View or any of the other frum rags-- could give you the impression that everyone does.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, Nov 19 2024, 4:20 pm

We were also low maintenance. I come from a lower middle class sometimes poor family dh from very wealthy. I knew I couldn’t ask my parents for more and dh would never ask for more- he grew up learning responsibility not entitlement.

We got decent furniture later when we moved into our house, lived extremely simply with second hand and target camp style furniture for first few years.