Tell me everything abt making a Bar Mitzva

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 10:38 pm

My oldest son just turned 12, I have no idea what I have to do to plan a bar mitzva but know I should start thinking. Please, experienced moms, help me start thinking so I don't forget major things! Pls include time-line of when I am supposed to deal with various aspects
TIA!
Eta yeshivish-ish if it makes a difference

amother

Hosta

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 10:40 pm

Where do you live? If you live in Lakewood you have to start reserving a hall already.

Tefillin have to be ordered soon as well

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 10:46 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

Where do you live? If you live in Lakewood you have to start reserving a hall already.

Tefillin have to be ordered soon as well

Not in lakewood but idk if it makes a difference.
What do I need to know about ordering tfillin? How do you pick where to order from? How much should it cost?

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 10:53 pm

A lot depends on your circles and what is expected.

I'll share my experience with you.

First we booked a hall a year in advance.
DH took care of the tefillin as well as the p'shetl.

I booked a photographer for an hour before the event. I did not want throughout the whole thing. I had my sister and nephew snap photos during the actual bar mitzva.

The hall had in-house catering, but typically that's something you need to reserve. Same for party planner.

We did not order invitations. I chose to invite everyone by phone. I started the calls about 2 weeks before.

I booked someone to do my girls' hair and made an appointment to get my face professionally done. Made an appointment to re-do my sheitel.

I arranged for DS to go to bar mitzva lessons starting about 4 months before.

A few weeks before I took DS shopping. One day was for suit, coat, bekishe. Shoes. Another day was for shirts, underwear, tzitzis, etc. And another day to choose his tefillin bag and hats. You can definitely do more shopping in one day, but I enjoyed the bonding time.

The week before DH ordered the kiddush in shul.

amother

Jasmine ↓

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 10:54 pm

Before you get bogged down in the million details of planning a celebration, make sure you remember the main parts:

1) Your son has new mitzvos as a full-fledged Jewish adult. Help him get off to a good start! Buy high quality Tefillin and a bag he will be proud of.

2) Make sure he is getting Bar Mitzvah lessons of some sort. He doesn't need to lein necessarily (many boys don't) but he does at the least need to have a formal education on Tefillin, halachos of Shul, and a positive hashkafa about his new responsibilities.

That is the main part, all the rest is quite literally icing on the cake!

Now for the party.

A Bar Mitzvah is a Seudas Mitzvah. It should be fleishig.

This celebration can take place on the day of the Bar Mitzvah (most common) or a little later for practical reasons.

Check when his first Aliyah to the Torah will be. (The Torah is read Monday, Thursday, Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Yom Tov...)

Some people make a whole weekend of it and invite family for Shabbos.

Depending on your community norms, that might leave you with multiple celebrations to plan: The "Bo Bayom" (smaller party on the actual day of the Bar Mitzvah), the evening formal event, and a Shabbos. And maybe more! Find out what is usually done in your area and what you and your son consider reasonable.

Planning a Bar Mitzvah is like planning any party. You need clothing, location, food, decor, entertainment. You might want to do some things in your house, in shul, or in a rented hall. That may dictate your options for food (some places require catering or specific caterers). Find out if there are Gemachs in your area for centerpieces or tablecloths. Make a menu together with your son and edit it for budget and practicality. Decide what you want to do for music (from an MP3 player to a live band), if you want a photographer, if you plan to show a slideshow about the Bar Mitzvah boy or a video explaining his pshetl.

For all of these things you can go from super-simple to very extravagant. You might want to come up with a clear budget before you start so you can make informed decisions. IMHO splurge on better Tefillin FIRST (those can last a lifetime) and trim a little from the party if needed.

Mazel Tov! Much nachas!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 10:58 pm

Wow thank you for taking the time to write that up. Very overwhelming but great details to follow

amother

Lightcoral

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 11:02 pm

Start with ordering Tefillin ASAP. As mentioned above

marvinkay

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 11:15 pm

A year before, order tefilin from a sofer, book hall/ catererer, and if he wants to make a siyum, needs to start learning.
Depending on how long the parsha is, might need to start Laining lessons now.
3-4 months before, book photographer, keyboard guy, hair, makeup, kiddush arrangements

amother

Lightcyan

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 6:52 am

Where I live, boys who want to lein start lessons 12 months ahead.

thinkpositive

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 7:02 am

Some comprehensive replies above, so I'll add some things not mentioned.

Once you have decided what you're doing, tell your friends and family to save the date. They are not telepathic, and I assume you may want some of them present.

If a friend offers to do/make something, you don't need to be a matyr, you can accept. Give clear answer with what's a help, based on what's been offered - accommodations/food/babysitting.

Make lists and write everything down. There will be a lot to remember, and it's easier to have all the info in 1 place.

Make a timeline for the big day/s itself, so you allow for everything you want and need to get done.

Mazel tov!

amother

Dandelion

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 7:18 am

Op this is really community dependent. Like for example some circles a formal weeknight event is done while others it’s just a smaller more informal party for the boys friends. Also I see one poster said her husband ordered kidddusj for shul the week before. in other circles that would be the main event where the whole community comes to the kiddush and it’s planned more in advance sometimes with party planner etc. can u give us more details about what circles u run in?

amother

Buttercup

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 7:25 am

My son is going to be bar mitzvah in June. We spoke to our sofer. He said need to order six months before. In addition, he started bar mitzvah laining lessons about a year before.
We are doing a shabbos so we are looking into tents now.

amother

Leaf

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 7:42 am

Number one on your action plan is to set a date. Number two is to set a budget. That can be done about a year in advance. Sit down with dh and discuss how you both feel your family should mark this occasion. Then, talk to your son about what he wants. He may not have a firm sense until he starts attending other smachot, so you may need to guide the conversation. Celebrations usually break down as follows:
1) Marking first tefillin
2) Event at shul for family and community
3) Event for friends/school
In our family, tefillin was celebrated in Israel a month before at the kotel with a simple family lunch at a restaurant.
We spent Shabbos away with family and then had a community party. We brought donuts and fruit to school and Zaydie joined us at layning.

Other things to consider: housing for out of town guests, Dinner on Friday night (could be at your home or shul-usually just for family), clothing for all (don't buy too far in advance because he is growing), tips for Rabbaim/teachers involved,

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 12:13 pm

HI I am OP and I'm back! The Bar Mitzva celebration is over and it was amazing.
At total risk of anyone I know instantly recognizing this is me (hi, all) I want to document my experience for future bar mitzva moms!!!
ThinkPositive had told me to write it all down and I started a Google Spreadsheet Bar Mitzva Master List which was the best thing for me. I had different tabs and was able to access it from my phone all the time to check things, add things, note things easily, I was able to also use it to copy/paste from sheet to sheet and reference (for those who use spreadsheets) so I wasn't rewriting the same things (ex. names) multiple times. My tabs were: To Do, Invitations, Coming, Bo Byom, Expenses
To Do was my running list so I didn't have scraps of paper everywhere - I could easily add and remove
Invitations: I prepped this far in advance. I got a spreadsheet from my son's school, got spreadsheet from shul, etc, combined on one list and was able to export to Word to make labels for invitations from home easily. (note, don't buy cheap labels. One set melted in my printed) (Tangent - I got really cheap stamps from https://stampsandcompany.com/)
Coming: My busiest sheet, I had everyone who confirmed on this list. (Copy paste from invitations) I had columns counting adults vs children (for food planning), columns counting male vs female (we ate shalosh seudos in separate locations so I needed that) and totals needing sleeping accommodations per family. I also had a column for their host/hostess, that address, and if I was going to buy them a hostess gift so that I could easily see how many I needed. I also used this sheet for seating plans.
Bo Byom was a separate list of who was attending that event, also totaling adults and kids separately.
Expenses - I wanted to keep track of what I was spending on this event. I had columns for Date, payee, amount, purpose.

It may seem a lot but this list kept my sanity. everything was there. I could check all the time easily on everything.
_________________________________
Tefillin - our sofer said 4 months in advance but I was so nervous, we ordered them 8 months in advance and had them sitting around. Also bought a personalized tefillin bag
Bo Byom Venue - I saved the date like 10 months in advance but it may have been overkill.
Hair - we did ourselves
Musician - actually the guy I booked 8 months in advance cancelled and I booked someone else 6 weeks before. Guy 1 said he doesn't actually commit until 6 weeks before.
Makeup - I got it done. booked in advance and I didn't realize how busy it would be there. THere were 4 bar mitva moms there same day as me!
Photographer. I booked for whole thing. I'm not sure it was totally necessary but I wanted all the pics I could get
If you do invitations, totally go with BP Graphics in Lakewood. They were a pleasure to work with and have it down pat.
Leining my husband actually taught my son but that won't work for everyone
Shabbos meals - I had 70 out of town guests so we hired someone to take care of the meals for us and rented a shul basement to eat in. Hiring her was a gift to us because we mamash came in like guests. I picked up tablecloths and centerpieces from a local gmach and reviewed a menu and she took care of everything else
Guest bags - I stressed too much about this. In the end, we did water bottles ( I created labels on word and printing at home with our monogram and a cute slogan), snacks ( I read to do a sweet, salty, and crunchy, so I did that) and a booklet with the schedule, zmanim, and a personalized map showing my house, shul, hostess, local playgroud, etc)
Pshetl - I paid a rebbi to prepare and practice this with my son
Kiddish in shul - my shul has a bar mitzva package so all I had to do was reserve the date and pay
Hostess gifts - after much deliberation, I went with sour doughs from a local vendor who wrapped them up really nice. They seemed very appreciated!

Please ask me questions - I'm happy to share!

amother

Apricot

Today at 12:52 pm

What is the bo bayom? Is that basically the party?

amother

↑ Jasmine

Today at 1:03 pm

How much did this all cost?

amother

Stonewash

Today at 1:29 pm

What are bar mitzva lessons? My son didn't take any, does he need another bar mitzva? Lol. It must be community dependent.

amother

Burntblack

Today at 1:30 pm

amother Jasmine wrote:

How much did this all cost?

Did you do a separate party for Bo Bayom and a night event after? My son's Bar Mitzvah comes out on Chol Hamoaid Sukkos and we're trying to think of ideas on how to mark the day since we'll be doing the night event after Sukkos.

small bean

Today at 2:06 pm

My only comment is this is about your son, not about you. Find out what he really wants and try to make it his way.

amother

Seashell

Today at 2:38 pm

amother Stonewash wrote:

What are bar mitzva lessons? My son didn't take any, does he need another bar mitzva? Lol. It must be community dependent.

I think it’s just hiring someone to teach your son how to lein if he is leining the parsha.

Thanks for all this information. We have a bar mitzvah coming up and this is very helpful to make sure we aren’t overlooking anything important.

Another question , Who usually helps write the pshetel (speech)? Is it a Rebbe from the school or another Rabbi?