Kids' stuff: ownership and sharing

↑ ittsamother ↓

Thu, Nov 14 2024, 4:32 pm

amother Almond wrote:

A simple rule is stuff in shared space is shared. So if I get a book as a gift and keep it in my room, it's mine. If I put it on the family bookshelf it becomes the family's.

What's your opinion on a 4-5 yr old bringing home a little toy she got as a prize from Morah, she has a hard time making sure to keep it in her drawer because she plays with it all over the house. When another kid wants to play with it, and she doesn't want to share it, what do you say?

amother

↑ Almond ↓

Thu, Nov 14 2024, 4:36 pm

ittsamother wrote:

If she's holding it, she can be protective. She can also put it in her drawer when her sister asks for it. If her sister is currently playing with it, she can wait till her sister is done and then put it somewhere safe. But if she's not responsible to keep it in a private place then she's not responsible to have her own toys. I would make an exception for something like a blanket (which is deeply personal) but not a toy (which are mostly communal).

amother

↑ Almond ↓

Thu, Nov 14 2024, 5:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

So some kids have that personality. What then? Do you still need to accept their "need"? Never push them to part with their posessions?

The problem is that pressuring them to give or share is going to backfire.

You can tell stories of generosity. You can model it. You can help them enjoy their siblings happiness when they choose on their own to share. Those things can help. Telling them they have to share will make them more possessive.

↑ ittsamother

Thu, Nov 14 2024, 5:10 pm

amother Almond wrote:

I really agree with everything you say but the bolded. I don't think my kids should only be able to possess something once they're able to be careful about keeping things in their room. That can take a while to learn, and long before that they've already learned the concept of "mine" and "not mine".

amother

↑ Almond

Thu, Nov 14 2024, 5:40 pm

ittsamother wrote:

I was trying to say it's not all or nothing, it's a process.

One of the steps in the process is they leave their toy on the floor and their sister picked it up. Now they want it back. In my opinion, and of course there are other ways of doing it, you let the sibling play with it till they're done. Now the kid then takes it and brings it back to her. She's learning responsibility. She didn't forfeit her toy permanently, but the natural consequence of leaving it on the floor was that her sister could play with it until she took responsibility for it.

amother

↑ Latte

Yesterday at 5:34 am

amother OP wrote:

So some kids have that personality. What then? Do you still need to accept their "need"? Never push them to part with their posessions?

If something is theirs then yes.
If a child has something of theirs that is taken away or a parent allows someone else to borrow you're already in a different category.
Children need full ownership over THEIR property.

Encouragement to share and teaching them by example is always a good idea!
But you need 50-50.
50% encouragement to share
50% encouragement that it is theirs it's okay to not share all the time without this piece it's flawed sharing. I want to teach my children to share from the goodness of their hearts and not because society says you have to. I want them to BE good people and not just ACT like it.

I have heard the above ideas from Rabbanim before. And I know examples don't mean much but I find 90% of the time when I give my children healthy ownership over an item they then WANT to share. No, they don't share all the time, but that's the point that they should feel that allowance not to share everything.
They genuinely love their siblings and it makes them happy to share with their sisters or brothers, but when they do it I know they are doing it because they WANT to and not because they HAVE to.
(And the selfish part here is that it warms my heart to see that)

If you're looking for practical tips I liked the amother above that specified shared spaces.
If something is left on the dining room table (not by you but by the child who owns it) then you can't be the police over it, but if something is in their space (that you can work out with the child what is their space) then other children should not be allowed to touch it.

And just to add- I totally relate to how hard this can be practically in day to day life, as I said before I have a lot of kids close in age in different environments every day so at home they have very different stuff at different times. It's not easy. But it's the right thing and it's so rewarding.

renslet ↓

Yesterday at 5:50 am

So my kids get lots of different cups as party favors. And I always say that if it goes into the kitchen cupboard then anyone can use it. If you don't want anyone touching it then keep it in your room.
It usually works except when they are fighting about something else and suddenly one will say "you're using my cup", but I don't get it, should no one but the kid who received it use the mug/cup.
Big ticket item , I get. But as someone said above it gets complicated when the oldest child says , oh that's my stroller cuz it was bought when she was a baby

↑ JasmineDragon

Yesterday at 6:13 am

renslet wrote:

Things like strollers are really gifts for the parents, not the child. It's never theirs to play with anyway, not like a toy stroller they get to push around. Maybe you can start telling them that it was a gift for the family when they were born and that they got to use it first, and now their little sibling gets to use it.

For the cups, it sounds like they agreed to share them and then they get mad and complain about the cup, but they're not actually mad about the cup.

↑ renslet

Yesterday at 6:40 am

JasmineDragon wrote:

For the cups, it sounds like they agreed to share them and then they get mad and complain about the cup, but they're not actually mad about the cup.

No sure if they agreed or if I'm enforcing something that they're unhappy about. But I'm wondering where it ends, like if I choose linen with my daughter for her bed, is it hers? And no one can ever use it

amother

Seagreen ↓

Yesterday at 7:16 am

Each kid al pi darko

Some need to own things and need more careful negotiation about sharing/what to share, what is reasonable not to share etc

Some don't feel that and treat everything as communal

A kid with ASD might struggle more with the gray areas of this and need more specific rules - this is yours, you need to give permission for someone else, this is shared.

Kids in larger families esp those who share a room have more need of boundaries/personal ownership over things, even if just a few. It is part of defining ones self.

My experience is that negotiation is the key to these conflicts and if a kid is being v difficult about it, it indicates something else is going on which needs addressing by you.

I would say beds/linen/outgrown clothes etc are shared but it should be a negotiated process. Toys esp dolls/special gifts eg afikoman/birthday are personal but could be shared under discussion if the owner agrees. It all needs limits, one kid can't have 100s of toys and another very few, but this balances out in families.

If a kid is holding onto something they clearly have no need of eg duplo at age 18, that has some emotional significance and is nothing to do with materialism.

amother

↑ Seagreen

Yesterday at 7:19 am

renslet wrote:

Depends on how you gave it to her. If it was a gift and special for her interest eg rabbit pattern and she is crazy about them, then it would be v tough to then randomly allocate this linen to another kid's bed when you have made an effort to buy your daughter something she loves.
If it is just pretty linen, I would not have said it was for her in the first place, just pretty linen. Perhaps they can each choose and take it in turns to be the first to pick If there is a favorite

One child might have sensory issues that also mean one set of linen is calming for them.