Kids' stuff: ownership and sharing

↑ ittsamother ↓

Today at 4:32 pm

amother Almond wrote:

A simple rule is stuff in shared space is shared. So if I get a book as a gift and keep it in my room, it's mine. If I put it on the family bookshelf it becomes the family's.

What's your opinion on a 4-5 yr old bringing home a little toy she got as a prize from Morah, she has a hard time making sure to keep it in her drawer because she plays with it all over the house. When another kid wants to play with it, and she doesn't want to share it, what do you say?

amother

↑ Almond ↓

Today at 4:36 pm

ittsamother wrote:

If she's holding it, she can be protective. She can also put it in her drawer when her sister asks for it. If her sister is currently playing with it, she can wait till her sister is done and then put it somewhere safe. But if she's not responsible to keep it in a private place then she's not responsible to have her own toys. I would make an exception for something like a blanket (which is deeply personal) but not a toy (which are mostly communal).

amother

↑ OP

Today at 4:58 pm

amother Latte wrote:

The bolded has nothing to do with it. That's personalities already. I'm talking about an innate need that everyone has and what can exacerbate it.

So some kids have that personality. What then? Do you still need to accept their "need"? Never push them to part with their posessions?

↑ ittsamother ↓

Today at 5:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

So some kids have that personality. What then? Do you still need to accept their "need"? Never push them to part with their posessions?

I would not force. I would model, encourage, discuss, demonstrate, reward, etc, but not force.

amother

↑ Almond ↓

Today at 5:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

So some kids have that personality. What then? Do you still need to accept their "need"? Never push them to part with their posessions?

The problem is that pressuring them to give or share is going to backfire.

You can tell stories of generosity. You can model it. You can help them enjoy their siblings happiness when they choose on their own to share. Those things can help. Telling them they have to share will make them more possessive.

↑ ittsamother

Today at 5:10 pm

amother Almond wrote:

I really agree with everything you say but the bolded. I don't think my kids should only be able to possess something once they're able to be careful about keeping things in their room. That can take a while to learn, and long before that they've already learned the concept of "mine" and "not mine".

amother

↑ Almond

Today at 5:40 pm

ittsamother wrote:

I was trying to say it's not all or nothing, it's a process.

One of the steps in the process is they leave their toy on the floor and their sister picked it up. Now they want it back. In my opinion, and of course there are other ways of doing it, you let the sibling play with it till they're done. Now the kid then takes it and brings it back to her. She's learning responsibility. She didn't forfeit her toy permanently, but the natural consequence of leaving it on the floor was that her sister could play with it until she took responsibility for it.