Kids' stuff: ownership and sharing

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:26 pm

Kids are already middle - upper elementary. I still don't know how to approach sharing.

When they get a new item and the other kids are jealous, do you insist they give everyone a turn or do you work with the others to be able to handle someone having something they don't?

When it's not new but the other kids want to use it and it's not being used atm ie an electric scooter, camera, Gameboy, 24/6, do you insist they allow the sibling to use it, or do you let them make their own decisions?

What about if the owner isn't home and won't know it was used. Do you as the parent have permission to allow another child to use a siblings item?

None of these are things the kid saved up for themselves. They were all gifts/prizes.

Any other rules of thumb about how to approach these and similar scenarios much appreciated.

amother

Pumpkin ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

Kids are already middle - upper elementary. I still don't know how to approach sharing.

When they get a new item and the other kids are jealous, do you insist they give everyone a turn or do you work with the others to be able to handle someone having something they don't?

When it's not new but the other kids want to use it and it's not being used atm ie an electric scooter, camera, Gameboy, 24/6, do you insist they allow the sibling to use it, or do you let them make their own decisions?

What about if the owner isn't home and won't know it was used. Do you as the parent have permission to allow another child to use a siblings item?

Any other rules of thumb about how to approach these and similar scenarios much appreciated.

Those types of things I don't make kids share. Those are personal items imo.
And especially not if the kid isn't home. That teaches the other kids to sneak and be dishonest.

amother

Cadetblue ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:29 pm

I tell them they can have very few off limit things, but it has to be really special or fragile. I don’t let kids go in and touch things without permission. But I do encourage them to let siblings use it for short times when they aren’t using it anyway, excluding the special things they all have. Overall I had a good experience and I barely need to get involved once they are older. They all know how to set their own boundaries, only while I’m in the shower, or only in my room etc..

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:32 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

Those types of things I don't make kids share. Those are personal items imo.
And especially not if the kid isn't home. That teaches the other kids to sneak and be dishonest.

They ask me first. Am I allowed to give them permission? Or do I tell them it's not mine I can't let them.

amother

↑ Cadetblue ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

They ask me first. Am I allowed to give them permission? Or do I tell them it's not mine I can't let them.

It’s not up to you to give permission. But I’d definitely talk to the owner about under which rules they would be willing to share and I’d encourage the kids to work it out between themselves. It’s valuable skills they need for life.

amother

↑ Pumpkin ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

They ask me first. Am I allowed to give them permission? Or do I tell them it's not mine I can't let them.

I think you need to discuss that with the child who owns the items.
I don't think you should give permission without that discussion.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:40 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

I think you need to discuss that with the child who owns the items.
I don't think you should give permission without that discussion.

What if my kids are just unusually unreasonable and possessive and always say no? Do I just respect that and leave it?

amother

↑ Pumpkin ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

What if my kids are just unusually unreasonable and possessive and always say no? Do I just respect that and leave it?

Yes. They will just be more possessive in my experience if you don't respect their boundaries.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:42 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

Yes. They will just be more possessive in my experience if you don't respect their boundaries.

So how will they learn to share?

amother

Candycane

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

They ask me first. Am I allowed to give them permission? Or do I tell them it's not mine I can't let them.

Is it yours?
That's the thing you need to realize. It's not yours it's your kids and in both their eyes it's stealing to take it. So if you give say Chana permission to use Leahs camera your are in essence saying yes we're allowed to steal as long as the other person isn't using it and won't know about it.
Oh and If you make Leah give her camera to Chana because she's anyways not using it your teaching your kids that it's ok to bully someone into letting you take what's theirs.

amother

↑ Pumpkin ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

So how will they learn to share?

Smaller things or shared property they can share. Toys, etc. Forcing older kids will just be counterintuitive.
Everyone is allowed to have boundaries. I don't want people using things that are important to me. That doesn't mean I don't know how to share with others.

↑ bestme ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:46 pm

If you force sharing then children never want to share. I never force sharing. I try to make sure that it is never 1 child that has a lot of luxury items and the other child has no luxury items. The kids have about similar amount of luxury items.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:47 pm

amother Candycane wrote:

Obviously I don't say you can use it because Chana will never find out.

More like, as the parent I reserve the right to allow you to use something in this house. And this can be something the kids know about stuff in general.

amother

↑ Pumpkin

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Obviously I don't say you can use it because Chana will never find out.

More like, as the parent I reserve the right to allow you to use something in this house.

But why do you get to do that? Imagine if they were adults. Adults aren't forced to share. They can choose to.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 13 2024, 9:54 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

But why do you get to do that? Imagine if they were adults. Adults aren't forced to share. They can choose to.

Because halachically kids don't have true ownership