Plus size Preteens and diet culture

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Nov 12 2024, 9:32 pm

Dd13 is overweight.

I never ever mentioned her weight. We talk occasionally about making healthy choices, foods that will help us stay full vs get hungry again soon, but even that isn't too often that it starts feeling stifling. Bh dd believes that dh and I think she's beautiful.

But she's starting to pick up on diet culture from her friends and slowly she's becoming more miserable and self conscious about her weight.

She says it doesn't matter that I think she's beautiful because her friends don't think so and that's what matters.

She says being healthy isn't enough she wants to be thin.

I don't know how to respond to her.

Her eating habits leave much to be desired but I'm very hesitant to send her down that route because I think it will set her up for a lifetime of frustration and failure which will just perpetuate the shame.

I hesitate to even suggest she cut down on the snack bags because I don't think it's doable for her and will make enough of a dent. (There's a compulsive element to her over-eating).

I don't think she's ready to change her eating habits but I don't think she's able to hear that and accept it.

How do I respond? How do we ride out these years with her self esteem intact?

amother

Ruby

Tue, Nov 12 2024, 10:02 pm

Personally I think this sort of coddling is setting her up to fail. I understand you don’t want to give her a complex or a reason to be self-conscious, which she will end up feeling anyways, but if you want to help her you need to work on instilling healthy living with food and exercise

I’ll probably get tomatoes, but as someone who struggles with weight I have my opinions. I think dancing around the issues and treating our kids like fragile objects is not going to help her in life. She needs to learn how to have healthy eating habits, if you don’t feel you can provide that then look for a professional who can. Maybe also take her to the gym a couple times a week. Everything in moderation, you don’t need to severely limit or severely pressure one way or another. Just open the door for honest communication and healthy learning

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Nov 12 2024, 10:07 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

Part of me agrees with you. I would love to be able to say it as it is.
But another part of me knows this too will fail because so much food is out of the house and social and all it will do is make her feel guilt and shame.
Our house is already very healthy.

amother

Dandelion ↓

Tue, Nov 12 2024, 10:13 pm

As a parent you are responsible to teach & encourage good habits, no need to focus on weight but I can't imagine it being beneficial to turn a blind eye to terrible habits. I understand the fear around it & the difficulty in finding the correct balance. I wish you lots of luck.

amother

↑ Dandelion

Tue, Nov 12 2024, 10:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

If she's sufficiently motivated she may actually succeed. 2 people close to me were very overweight kids & then in their (older) teens they decided on their own to lose weight. Both are in their 30's with multiple kids & both kept it off & 1 even loses more weight with every additional pregnancy.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Nov 12 2024, 10:25 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

I could totally see her doing this from a more emotionally healthy place in a few years (age 15-16?) but 13 feels very young to diet and I don't think she's quite ready yet. I just don't know what to say until then.

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Nov 12 2024, 10:41 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

I do teach and encourage good habits.

But like she says, she doesn't want to be healthy, she wants to be thin.

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Nov 12 2024, 11:12 pm

Growing up with 2 overweight sisters I saw the damage it did when my mother commented to my older sister about eating healthy and exercising. You can do for the whole family together but you cannot single out the overweight child. My younger sister was not singled out (mother learned from her mistake) and she eventually lost the weight herself.
My dd 13 is in the same boat as yours but her weight doesn’t seem to be affecting her self esteem bH. I’m hoping that by modeling good eating habits she’ll get there on her own eventually.
For your dd, I don’t feel singling out the overweight child specifically to go to a nutritionist, or gym would be beneficial for her emotionally long term