Teen son lying | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 2:11 pm

My son (16) dorms in the yeshiva out of town so I don’t know much about what’s going on there.
Other mom has brought it to my attention that her son said that my son was skipping class.

I also suspect some other things he might have lied about. He also has just admitted to making up a story to cover up for something that he has done in school.

Do I confront him about it or let it slide and try to work on a solution/around the situation without letting him know that I know?

amother

Sunflower

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 2:24 pm

Is he lying or just not telling you? Rgere is q very very big difference.
In our homw truth is very important. Little ones and big ones know we want to hearcthe truth no matter what it is over a lie. How you talk to him will set the tone for how he will respond and whether he will be open and honest with you in the future. Please think before and while you talk
-how to talk so they will listen is real

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 2:29 pm

amother Sunflower wrote:

I probably messed up already because I became very agitated so must have scared him even more so he will lie even more.

One issue is he told me that some other boys skip class (but he never does!) etc. He volunteered this topic himself.

The other issue again, he told me a story and apparently he got himself into a trouble and now he needs to get out of it. So he told us half-truths. Now I spoke to my dh and it makes even less sense what he did vs what he said. It really seems like lying to me.

I must have

giftedmom ↓

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 2:46 pm

If he’s lying to you then he’s afraid of your reaction and/or of consequences.
At this age, and especially with him dorming away from home, your top priority should be for him to feel safe enough to tell you the truth.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 2:58 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I know
I lied my way through high school because my mother was very dominant and explosive.

I am trying so hard to be different but I just don’t have the right words.
That’s why I am asking. Will it do any good to pin him down and confront him?

↑ giftedmom

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 3:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

Pin him down and confront him? You know that will just activate survival mode. You need to slowly regain his trust, an in an opportune moment mention that you love him, you are interested to know what’s going on in his life, and there is nothing he can do or say that will make you love him any less. And if there were consequences before, those need to stop. He’s too old for them.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 11 2024, 12:01 am

giftedmom wrote:

We have a great relationship, I always check in with him whether he does well etc. Tell him we love him and miss him, he gets the best treatment etc.
But I feel like he is putting up a facade for us while trying to juggle too many balls at the background.

amother

Iris

Mon, Nov 11 2024, 12:16 am

OP, why is another mom telling you LH about you son?
I wouldn't react to it at all. Has the Yeshiva called you?
You husband should call his Rebbi and ask him how he's doing. I have a son a similar age and my husband in in regular contact with the RY or Maggid Shiur. Once you have the information firsthand you can see what to do. You also need to check if the Yeshiva has already given him consequences.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Nov 11 2024, 12:21 am

amother Iris wrote:

Yeshiva doesn’t seem to be on top of it.
The other mom is worried about my son because she knows him well. I am fully aware that if other boys can skip class, my son can do this too. Just because he said he doesn’t, it doesn’t mean anything.
I am not going to give him consequences, I wonder if I should confront him and let him know that I know something.
Could it be a relief for him to know that he doesn’t need to hide or make up stories and just come clean and we will deal with it?
I feel like he needs to lie because of the huge pressure (itself a rigorous program). But I also don’t want him to get used to lying to get away with anything.
He does get consequences from the Yeshiva.
Yes we have neglected being in touch with maggid shiur because we have thought that they would inform us if something is wrong.