I don't want to tell but how do I get her to?

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 10:59 am

I have a niece who likes to come talk to me about things. She recently confided something in me that she hasn't told her parents, and I think they need to know. It's not something harmful r"l but it's something that could be concerning. I tried to tell her this but she said she feels they are terribly busy (this is quite true) and doesn't want to "bother" them. I tried various approaches to convince her but I don't think it will happen from her end but would like to try.

We have an agreement that anything she tells me stays between us, and I feel like it's important to respect that. My brother and sister in law are loving parents they just have a lot on their platters.

behappy2 ↓

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:09 am

For starters the agreement of you keeping her secrets is not a good one. As you can now see.

You really need to ask a wise person who you can explain the whole situation to.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:17 am

behappy2 wrote:

For starters the agreement of you keeping her secrets is not a good one. As you can now see.

You really need to ask a wise person who you can explain the whole situation to.

I don't agree. If one of my kids had chosen to talk to one of their older relatives, I would be glad. She needs someone to talk to and her parents can't. Many kids her age end up going to the wrong type of person in this situation.

amother

Waterlily

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:18 am

ask her permission to tell them yourself. that way its her choice and if she's ok with them knowing and just doesnt know how to tell them, then by telling them yourself you are really helping her.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:19 am

amother Melon wrote:

Maybe ask a sheila together with your niece, and tell her you'll follow daas torah.

The shaila part is a really good idea but I would rather not take her along. Why upset her if my rav says to respect her confidence. If my rav says I need to tell her parents I can take her to him then.

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:19 am

I think it’s terrible to help a child keep secrets from their parents unless the parents are abusive and they are in danger.

I’d tell her you need to tell them or I won’t have a choice. Them being busy is not an acceptable excuse.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:21 am

amother Waterlily wrote:

ask her permission to tell them yourself. that way its her choice and if she's ok with them knowing and just doesnt know how to tell them, then by telling them yourself you are really helping her.

It never occurred to me that she might just not want to be the one who tells them. Good thought.

amother

Offwhite

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:21 am

Can you make a plan with her as to how she’ll tell them, and offer to be there when she does? She might need that feeling of preparedness and security. It’s also a good life lesson for how to handle such things.

Are you sure that telling her parents will benefit her? Is it something she might just have needed to tell someone and get advice but not need parental action? You don’t need to say here, but think about it.

I ask partly in general because this can be the case in healthy families, but also because I come from a family where telling my parent things would just result in abuse, but talking to someone kind and supportive was what I needed.

↑ behappy2

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:22 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't agree. If one of my kids had chpsen to talk to one of their older relatives, Iwould be glad. She needs someone to talk to and her parents can't. Many kids her age end up going to the wrong type of person in this situation.

You put yourself in a position. That's all. I also have a niece/nephew that likes to confide in me. I wouldn't make a promise I'm not ready to keep. Not that I ever related anything they said to their parent. It wasn't necessary.

I've learned this over the years.

↑ oneofakind

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:23 am

"it's really thoughtful of you not to want to be a burden but I think they would be really upset/ hurt if they didn't know. You have as much right to their time as those other things/people. I know that if I was in their shoes that's how I would be. Are you afraid they'll brush you off? Get angry at you? etc. because if so, let's figure it out."

monseymom25

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:25 am

OP I think it’s so nice that your niece has you as a trusted friend. How old is she? I think the answers here would be different depending on if she’s 12 or 20.

amother

↑ Melon

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:25 am

amother OP wrote:

I understand that you want to help your niece. But adults should not be encouraging or helping kids keep secrets from their parents.
How old is your niece?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:25 am

amother Offwhite wrote:

I have to say, imamother is not always constructive but I have gotten so many good ideas this time. I do think they need to know. I also think there is a good chance that if we "role play" and plan, she will feel comfortable telling them. Thank you!!!

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:28 am

monseymom25 wrote:

OP I think it’s so nice that your niece has you as a trusted friend. How old is she? I think the answers here would be different depending on if she’s 12 or 20.

She's in high-school.

mushkamothers

Wed, Nov 06 2024, 11:33 am

Tell the parents that their daughter thinks they're too busy to care or have time to hear about what she's going through, in general, and suggest they do quality time with her like a date.