What to give a friend that's

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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts

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amother

NeonPurple

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 7:18 am

amother Nutmeg wrote:

OP, you are so thoughtful! And Singleagain: you got me thinking...

So, how about a book of vouchers for things tailored to her, and the gift of your time eg "This voucher is valid for a phonecall between 10pm and 7am", " This voucher is valid for coffee and cake anywhere you choose" "This voucher is valid for a home-cooked meal"?

It doesn't have to cost much, but it shows that you're there for her at difficult moments...

I've heard of this idea before and it can be cute, but honestly if I would get such a gift, although I'd appreciate the thought behind it and maybe even laugh at the creativity of some of the vouchers, it would be one of those useless gifts to me. I would feel awkward redeeming them.

↑ singleagain ↓

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 8:01 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't live near her so unfortunately I can't go out with her, cook for her etc. She knows I'm always available by phone. I would still like to send something from afar.

Again though, what type of person is she? What are her likes? Dislikes? Hobbies? Needs? Wants? What have you gotten her for her birthdays? Hanukkah?

Divorced is not a personality trait. There's so much more to people than being divorced. Unless you know that she's moving and needs some household things or something like that, I can't think what divorced has to do with getting gifts.

amother

Mimosa

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 8:18 am

The day my friend got her get, I sent her lunch from a local café so that when she came back from beis din and was emotionally drained at least she had a good filling meal. She was very grateful.

seeker

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 8:48 am

IDK, when I was going through my divorce it was such a stressful pressured time that I would have appreciated a takeout or Uber Eats gift card more than the most personal touching gift. I love puzzle books and escape rooms and full body massages but would not have had 5 minutes of mental energy or physical time when running from work to legal appointments to child therapists etc etc etc. And if you'd asked me what I'd want, it would have been a big IDK because my brain was not working.

I'm not knocking your advice to put more personal thought into it. I just also want to validate the idea of asking for generic ideas. For example, I'm thinking food, and you could add personal thoughtfulness to that by thinking of what type of cuisine she likes - don't give your celiac diabetic friend a pizza unless you're positive she has kids she'd like to feed it to.

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 9:01 am

https://thehonestjewelershop.c.....celet

Would this be appreciated?

tree of life

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 9:06 am

Maybe weekly subscription for a shabbos magazine to no you are thinking of her weekly

↑ singleagain ↓

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 9:38 am

amother OP wrote:

https://thehonestjewelershop.com/collections/chez-chaya-x-thj/products/black-enamel-brave-adjustable-bracelet

Would this be appreciated?

This is a personal taste kind of thing. I don't wear jewelry at all and even if I did I don't like the way that looks so I would not appreciate something like that. But again, this is why I will say again you got to know your friend to know what she likes. Would she appreciate this kind of gift? Is this her taste in jewelry etc.

doodlesmom

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 11:22 am

A book? Or subscription if she’s the type.

It so depends on the person…
Maybe if you’re close and you know something she’s losing in the divorce…like candlesticks etc? Not sure…can those in the know say their opinion about this…

amother

↑ Slateblue

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 11:38 am

amother Canary wrote:

nothing. Trust me a woman going through devorce doesn't need gifts. Needs friends. Perhaps Shabbos invitations (some yes, some would be mortified, so make sure u know ur friend)
Gifts for what? Mazel tov on ur devorce?!
It's not a chasene
it's not a baby
it's something sad, that needed to be done.

If you are a close friend make sure she knows u are available for any help.
Most needed are babysiting, and suppers (make sure ur offer doesn't come of as "oy nebach divorced, let me do some chessed)
U can give a phone call (not whatsup or text) and tell her u are there if anything needed.

DON'T EVER ASK FOR DETAILS OR TRY TO FIX THEIR MARRIAGE IT IS CALLED MEDDELING!

I guess to each her own because my experience was the exact opposite. I did NOT receive any gifts and really would have loved to get ANYTHING as an acknowledgment of what I was going through and as an expression of care. I’ve gone through lesser things (than divorce) and received more support and I don’t think it should be like that.

amother

Petunia

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 11:53 am

It can be better to send an experience or something that uses up rather than something that will end up serving as an emotionally complicated memento.

amother

PlumPink

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 12:48 pm

ACKNOWLEDGMENT!!!

Anything she might enjoy.
It's the acknowledgement that is meaningful.

Have been divorced for many years and find it very meaningful when someone drops something in, (which isnt often). Just to know someone is thinking of you is very touching.

Op, Can I send her something too?

amother

Geranium

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 1:24 pm

singleagain wrote:

First of all, I've been divorced over 10 years. Secondly, I'm not sure why you think I'm disagreeing with anything. I'm just saying be very careful to consider something that the friend will appreciate. Gifts are my love language too but if you gave me a random gift with no thought into what kind of person I am. I wouldn't appreciate it at all.

Last year a friend wanted to get me a gift and asked what I would like and I totally joked with her that she should get me a one of if two specific Lego sets. She got me both. And I was so touched.

But I don't see anyone on this list saying to get her friend a Lego, but that was the best gift anyone could have ever gotten me

All I say and I say this all the time on all sorts of gift threads is that there is a lot more to the person than whatever description you give. Her friend is more than someone who is getting divorced. She knows her friend best. I am simply telling her to think about that relationship to think about that friend and think of something that that friend will appreciate.

Also, sometimes gifts don't have to be tangible. The fact that my friend spent that time with me even though I was not really engaging with her but instead playing my stupid game and explaining it to her. And this was 10 years ago when it was in beta version so there really wasn't a lot of excitement to the game again. That gift of the time that she spent with me was incredibly meaningful.

Gifts are one of my passions and biggest pet peeves on this website because of how people suggest such generic things.

I wonder if you'd think that a gift during divorce vs stam is different.

Giving someone a gift for a birthday or thanks etc, I agree, it should relate more to them.

But at a time like this, idk how your divorce was but all I wanted wouldve been time (like you mentioned) to be myself, cry, be distracted or comfort gifts.

A blanket. Flowers (and I hate flowers. But don't have energy mentally for anything other than comfort things and thoughts then). Company. Validation. A listening ear. Food so I don't have to make. Cleaning lady. Laundry service.

Just a thought. I'd LOVE a camera now. But if someone got me that during that time I would've cried harder because I won't have time or energy to do hobbies as a single person (what it felt like then) and would've sat unused.

But thats me? I think of it like what would you give someone struggling with a severe episode of depression and overwhelm to let them know youre thinking of thrm in a supportive way? It's different than a random birthday gift.

amother

Lightblue

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 1:28 pm

I think it's really thoughful op. The same way you might want to send something to a friend going through any sort of hard time. I would send something that can be used up. I personally find objects retain emotional memories for me. I have one dress that I gave away because everytime I looked at it, I was reminded of my miscarriage, as I was wearing it that day.
Comfort food, a voucher for a local food place, that's the sort of thing I think would be appropriate. If you know something specific you think she would really like-she always loves treating herself to x, then get her that.

amother

Plum

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 1:32 pm

When my friend was going through her divorce, a mutual friend got her a very pretty ring to replace the one on her finger she was taking off.
I thought it was such a nice, thoughtful idea.
It just shows you care

happytobemom

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 1:41 pm

You can replace "that's going through a divorce" with "that's going through a difficult time"
The point is not the divorce, the point is the fact that she's going through a hard time now and she's looking to send something to show she cares.

Singleagain, I actually thought of you when I read this question, because I remember how you often say on gift giving threads about considering the whole person.

And you're so right. What is meaningful to one person may be useless or uninteresting to another.

I do think that asking a question here on imamother can just be a way to get ideas, which the op should then use just as a starter while considering who her friend is and what she thinks would be meaningful to her

s1 ↓

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 1:41 pm

I got:
Chocolate
Cake
Brunch box
Throw
Waterproof mascara
Nice face cream
Nice bath stuff
Kugel
Desserts
Flowers
Cash (anonymously)
Voucher for takeout
Ubereats voucher
Huge bag of nice disposables for shabbos
Tbh I appreciated the sentiment more than the actual gift. Food was good cos I could share it with my kids and show them people care.
The one thing I would have liked but didn't get was a journal and nice pen set.

amother

Amaranthus

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 1:57 pm

I love food so I would say find out what she likes and get her a little platter from bakery, arrangement of sweets/chocs,
Brunch, meat board for shabbos, etc etc

I think you mean a gift to say "thinking of you" rather then a gift for friend going through divorce.

S1, I love your list!!

amother

Pearl

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 2:01 pm

amother Canary wrote:

nothing. Trust me a woman going through devorce doesn't need gifts. Needs friends.

DON'T EVER ASK FOR DETAILS OR TRY TO FIX THEIR MARRIAGE IT IS CALLED MEDDELING!

And everyone is different. Well I agree with that, don't try to fix their marriage. That's so completely horribly inappropriate.

But the friend I appreciated most was the one who asked for details. Not in a pushy way. Not demanding. But showing that she was ready to listen to the hard stuff. Engaging, asking questions. Not demanding that I share more than I was comfortable, but really listening. Reacting. When people didn't ask for details sometimes they felt like they didn't care. When I shared something ended it has a follow-up, it fell as they kldidn't want to hear. Like the story was irrelevant. But to me it was very relevant.

Just my experience. Everyone is different.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 2:25 pm

comfy pajamas
a book you think she'll enjoy
a mandala coloring book with some gorgeous markers
earrings

life is fun

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 3:05 pm

I sometimes drop off just something small like a chocolate, nice shower gel or pampering kit, a hand cream or flowers, a Danish or nice yoghurt... just to let a friend know I'm thinking of her.

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