What's protocol | Imamother

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 2:00 am

amother Lightgreen wrote:

Apologies in advance, but do you feel compelled to discuss it with her? There doesn't have to be some deep reason why you thought so. It could just be: You saw she was engaged -> "Hey, do I need to say anything?" -> Gut feeling is correct, just ignore it because it will make it harder for everyone -> move on. I wonder if discussing it with therapist will just make it become more of an issue for you than it needs to be. Just move on.

You're right about initial reaction, person was afraid to share news with me, I said why, I'm so happy for her, it's not upsetting me. And I felt OK what do I now. I then went to check out the Pic, and I noticed some sensation in my body, and wondered why. I had a very hard time letting go when they broke off, I loved her, and felt like nurturing her like my own child. She had same feelings towards us, that were so nice to her. She had a hard time letting go of my son too. I couldn't stop thinking about her, that she felt stuck between my son and her parents. Now yomim tovim, she was in my tefillos, that she gets helped, because I so feel fir her matzav.

Now when I noticed my body sensation, I thought I need to explore this further with my therapist, because I thought I let go, and had moved on, especially that my son is engaged and getting married soon, but apparently there's still something there.

I recently, deleted the pics on my phone from my son's first simcha, lchaim and vort.

We now know it wasn't meant to be, and it's for the good.....

amother

↑ Aqua ↓

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 2:10 am

amother OP wrote:

You're such a special person!

amother

↑ Aqua ↓

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 2:11 am

amother Maroon wrote:

I'm going to disagree here although I'm not chasidish. I don't see any harm in sending in a card with a warm mazal tov. I wouldn't call because it puts her on the spot but a card is nice and gives everyone closure.

Who's "everyone" in your book? The newly engaged Kalla does not need to hear from OP at this point

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 3:06 am

Raizle wrote:

Is it ok if I ask, If they didn't "let" her marry him because he was chassidish how did they "let" her get engaged?
How did it get as far as it got?
Were they dating without parents input?

Yes, shadchan only called parents when they were ready to get engaged. She redt the shidduch to the prospects first, and they started dating . They didn't let at that point, it got delayed another week, and shadchan pushed parents, to allow them to get engaged.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 3:14 am

amother Heather wrote:

Sounds like you really loved this girl and it's lovely that you davened for her.
Just wondering how you feel about your future daughter-in-law?

I love the new kallah bh. She is a sweetie. You are right that I totally must clear myself from the first, so I can fully welcome and embrace her, as my dil.

I just don't have same relationship yet, as I had with first one.

Maybe it's just my anxiety due to what happened first time around. Idk.

Maybe because I hosted first one in my home and this one not idk.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 3:46 am

I need to fully get ex out of my mind, so that I can make space for the new couple.

She deserves my warmth and nurturing as my dil.

I shouldn't let my anxiety get in the way, and allow myself to feel my full feelings about her.

It sort of subconsciously like not getting too attached or putting my hopes up high, so shouldn't chv get deflated and lose it.....

Just tell my brain, no it's not happening again.....now it's for real......

Maybe these butterflies were my anxiety speaking......

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 8:52 am

amother Maroon wrote:

A card I would never send. It ll make it hard for her to move on, if she has an item to hold onto, like she had a hard time before, she wanted to keep a gift to hold onto, my son told her it's not healthy, it will just make her think about him, all the time, if it's over, both need to be able to move on and completely let go of the others, can't be in a half relationship, if they're not getting married, otherwise, they both won't be able to move on, and marry other people.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 9:00 am

As for as closure, there were shtar mechillas signed, when they broke off and forgave each other's. And farewell convos, like last byes. Then they completely cut off with each other's.
BTW when they let know that breaking the shidduch, couple was still in contact and had no idea what this all about. It was unhealthy dynamic there with her family.

amother

↑ Brickred

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 9:10 am

amother OP wrote:

Ok. I won't reach out but I guess I'll have to explore with my therapist why I feel like I would like to send her my mazel tov. I realize if I do it will make all parties harder to move on. Like when she's going onto next stage, don't need to remind her or drag her back into the past. Just let her go....and not be attached.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but why would you need to work with your therapist on this? It's normal to have feelings towards the ex kallah. She was engaged to your son, there must've been plenty you liked about her. especially if as you say, her parents were the issue.
I get working thru the broken engagement, that's hard stuff, but as to why you have feelings for her, it's normal. We're Yidden after all.

amother

Brass

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 9:19 am

I dated someone whose mother made him stop even though it was going well. Before my wedding, she called to apologize. AFAIK, her son wasn't engaged or married at that point. I didn't care that she called, either positive or negative.
But I think the kallah is more likely to be affected negatively than positively if you contact her

*details adjusted to protect everyone's privacy, but it did happen to me personally

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 29 2024, 9:48 am

May I speak to my therapist, about whatever I want to? I don't think I need anyone's permission to discuss with my therapist, whatever I want to. She will already guide me, and explore my feelings what's good and what needs work.

Why are people having an issue, if I want to talk to my therapist about it? I don't get it.