Double Take. Sukkos Edition

amother

Dustypink

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 6:11 am

I just read it. I think the situation is just hard all around. They should have planned a bit better. We just went away with my whole family for the first half of yt. We tend to cook everything there, like the in laws in this family. We just figure things out. There still is a basic plan that needs to be made. We bring our chicken and meat so needed to know what we were bringing with us. We did a grocery run and kind of played chopped for salads and sides. It was fine. We probably should have planned a bit better but it worked out.

In this situation though with two of them having babies it should have been planned 100% better. One of my siblings works in the food business and is very busy before yt. It's a good thing we didn't rely on them for anything. They literally almost missed their flight and couldn't bring anything they thought they would.

amother

Skyblue

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 6:24 am

amother Lightblue wrote:

The DIL's way of doing things is better but she's overstepping by putting herself in charge of how things are run.

No she is not. She was making her limits and boundaries clear from the get-go:
I am available NOW to help. Before Yom Tov, I will not be available. I understand that before Yom Tov will be very hectic because of the babies, which is WHY I am offering all the help I can possibly offer now. Please do not expect me or my DH to be pinch-hitting for your laissez-faire attitude in the eleventh hour when I am up to my eyes in work.
BUT I am happy to help and would love to do whatever I can to make it easier- IN ADVANCE.

amother

↑ Iris

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 10:04 am

amother Skyblue wrote:

DIL never told her MIL that she won't be able to help closer to yom tov. She may have had her boundaries, but she never let her MIL know about them. She decided to take charge on her own & then just blew up at her MIL.

amother

Cyclamen

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 10:05 am

People who always leave everything till the last possible minute genuinely believe that they will have enough time. It's all part of a wider time management/executive functioning issue. It is also exacerbated when people are not in their familiar surroundings. When the mil asked the dil to take care of the paper goods, she genuinely thought that it would be quick and easy- yet another manifestation of her deficiency in time management. It usually all does come together because either there is someone responsible around who ends up bearing the brunt of the work or that these people are really satisfied with with less or very sloppy results. This is why they tend not to learn and keep on repeating the pattern - they are just not sufficiently bothered. The DIL is not wrong but I think that she just has to accept that this is the way things work. She has three choices. Take as much initiative as she is willing and able to prep in advance even if it is an unfair distribution of work, decide to just go with the flow like the rest of them if her nerves can handle it or she can choose not to participate but then deal with the negative consequences of that decision.

amother

Steelblue

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 10:13 am

I grew up in an extremely organized household. My mom would have her entire yom tov in the freezer weeks before. Dh's mom wasn't quite as last minute as portrayed here, but was definitely close.
Over the years, I've developed my own organization level which is not on the level of my mom. And I've learnt to deal with my mil. I am open with her about what I can do, and generally I've found the type of nature that is laidback and more last minute is usually quite accepting at open conversations.
I tell my mil what I can and can't do and we work out a menu in advance. I have to pin her down for it and we are often vague-meat as a main, with a sweet kugel as a side for that meal, chicken for that meal, tongue for the other and so on. I then work out with her which things she wants to be responsible for, and I work out the rest. I will often do an online order with her for most of the things that can be delivered, which makes things so much easier.

GetReal ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 11:43 am

Did everyone know sister-in-law was expecting twins? How did anyone expect this to work with three newborns? Mil had to spend all day taking care of babies and new moms. Who was supposed to shop and cook? Put up a sukkah? Etc. It seems like no one except dil thought about this for more than a second, and she had a business to run!

↑ GetReal

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 11:45 am

Making yom tov in an unfamiliar country is hard enough, doing it while taking care of three newborns is ridiculous. All four families should have talked a month in advance, planned what each of them would make and freeze, and what would be bought.

amother

Hyssop

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 11:48 am

Dil should just say straight out “last min things make me anxious and resentful. I am happy to help weeks or months before you come. Here’s some examples of things I will happily do now…. Or you can suggest things you’d like. I just want you to know that when you come 3 days before yt, both me and my husband will be 100% unavailable.” Husband has to communicate with wife abt this and be on same page.
Mil is allowed to be last min scatter brained. She also has to pick up the pieces of her attitude and realize her dil has a great strength and that’s praiseworthy even if she doesn’t operate like that.

amother

↑ DarkViolet ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 12:18 pm

amother Hyssop wrote:

Dil did say all this. She's the one who found the apartment while everyone else was tossing vague ideas, she offered her rosh hashana menu and offered to double anything on it, she said that she wouldn't be available last minute...but still babysitting, getting phones, succa, arna minim, basic shopping, and more fell to her and her husband, all during her yuntif rush at work.

Mil was scatterbrained at her expense. The other sils were postpartum, their husbands were mia. Her husband was drafted to help and she was left to pick up the pieces.

I'm not a super advanced planner, I don't cook, bake, or freeze anything in advance. But this is dysfunctional level.

amother

↑ Lightblue

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 2:35 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

She was well within her rights to set boundaries and limits on what SHE is willing to do, but that's not all she was doing. She was mentally placing herself in charge.

She didn't communicate her boundaries clearly enough, and her MIL was very confused about what she was and wasn't willing to do.

amother

↑ DarkViolet

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 2:46 pm

amother Lightblue wrote:

Because she knew that when it came down to the last minute, it would all fall on her head. Which it did. She essentially was in charge, because no one else was doing it.

Two sils were post partum, their husbands mia, her husband running around for the bare necessities (succah, arba minim, cell phones, food and paper goods) and the mil bewildered by the crowded grocery stores. Meanwhile, her sil's toddler is dumped on her, in addition to her own kids, on the busiest day of her business (which isn't a hobby, it's her parnassa and is reputation-dependant).

amother

Black

Thu, Nov 14 2024, 11:22 pm

I finally read it. I am totally the dil in such a situation and mil isn't as bad as depicted but also last minute. Problem is I get judged for being an advanced planner, not being flexible and going with the flow. Sorry it doesnt work for me to be like that and so I usually end up making my own plans and not doing yt together because the last minute stress is not worth it for me.

amother

Magenta

Fri, Nov 15 2024, 11:44 am

I think the daughter in law is a big part of the issue here.

she should have been very upfront with her MIL and say, "I'm so glad that you're coming for y"t. just so you know, between 25 of Elul and erev sukkos is my busiest time of year, especially since Malky and adina might need us to be on call when they go to the hospital. So both of us will have really limited time to help the first few days you arrive until y"t actually starts. we are happy to help with whatever we can ahead of time: this includes a sukkah, non-perishable grocery order, etc...

Normal, healthy people appreciate being told about boundaries and parameters. they don't get resentful. It helps them set expectations.

also, the thing with the meat order, that was just silly. rochie should have just left it and let her mil go shopping in the supermarket. that was a bit micromanaging.