Yours mine and ours in family first

amother

Cobalt

Yesterday at 10:18 am

I guess this is so far removed from me to be ludicrous. If you don't have the money, you don't spend it, certainly not to keep asking your kids for it.
They should be selling the second home and trying to work within more basic standards.
The kids should all make an agreement not to keep bailing the father out. It's a black hole and pouring more money into it isn't going to solve the issue. Yes, emotionally it's really tough, but you gotta do it for their benefit.

amother

Alyssum

Yesterday at 10:20 am

Chayalle wrote:

I have a relative with relatives like this. They made a Simcha top-of-the-line with the most expensive of everything, and my relative who lives simply was approached with request to finance that Simcah because you know they don't have money......

Same relative looks her nose down at my relative when buying her kids last-season's sale clothing, she only buys her own kids the new styles.....and then my relative gets approached with tzedaka requests because they don't have money.....

It's really mind-boggling...

Does the relative B really agree to help finance relative A, especially while A looks down at B? If so, I hope B just read this mishpacha article and takes it to heart...

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 10:27 am

amother Leaf wrote:

In this case it’s about money so it’s obvious that what the parents did was wrong. But imagine the story was about an emotional burden that they expect the kids to help with and bail out. I think this is far more common in frum circles and equally as damaging.

Such as what?? What emotional burden?

↑ Chayalle ↓

Yesterday at 10:38 am

amother Alyssum wrote:

Does the relative B really agree to help finance relative A, especially while A looks down at B? If so, I hope B just read this mishpacha article and takes it to heart...

What ends up happening is that relative B's husband feels bad for his sibling despite whatever goes on with the wives, and he pitches in with money they don't really have.....

amother

Anemone ↓

Yesterday at 10:39 am

Chayalle wrote:

I truly believe that this a symptoms of mental illness. I have a relative who as far as I know does not ask for money from family and does not live the way described but has a clothing addiction like I've never seen before and spends astronomical amounts on designer clothing, sheitels and jewellery when she lives with a large family in a tiny, filthy apartment. She and her husband both work so there must be some disposable income coming in but I cannot fathom why you would spend so much on clothing for yourself but not on basic, decent living conditions. Anyway, my points is that there are other aspects of her personality that point to some kind of mental illness. From what can see the compulsion to spend is stronger than she is. She actually admits that it is. It's probably like this for anyone who spends exorbitantly on anything. It's an addiction like alcoholism that is probably near impossible to get rid of....as soon as they have a bit of money to spend it will go on nonsense rather than basics.

amother

Seashell

Yesterday at 11:02 am

amother Snow wrote:

That story was crazy and clearly fiction. I was shocked by the mothers twisted logic “it’s because of the kids that were in this situation so…”

I've heard that excuse verbatim. They're only in debt because of the kids, and they refuse to acknowledge how their lavish lifestyle contributed to their financial woes. They even tried to say that one of the kids needed something $$$ and that was why money was so tight at the moment. They even told me how much it cost, but the whole thing was a flat out lie.

It's a sickness.

amother

Acacia

Yesterday at 11:12 am

I have a brother in law just like this. He spends as if he is so Rich and then "borrows " money from my husband and never pays back. You should see his simchas and the car this "rich" brother in law has. I just get so upset when people say that you have to support poor people the way they lived when they were rich. I just don't believe that this bil was ever really rich. I do believe that he always wanted to be rich and always lived richly. People where collecting for him money before he made his first wedding and by now he made so many weddings and none were average simchas.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Yesterday at 11:13 am

amother Anemone wrote:

I think this may be true in some situations, but I don't believe it always is. Some of this is symptomatic of pure materialism, cultural perceptions of need, etc.....

amother

↑ Anemone

Yesterday at 11:32 am

Chayalle wrote:

I think this may be true in some situations, but I don't believe it always is. Some of this is symptomatic of pure materialism, cultural perceptions of need, etc.....

I think materialism, peer pressure and other cultural factors definitely feed these issues. There is also spending a little above what you should and totally out of control spending as described in the story and by you. Just like some people can be in an environment where alcohol is served and acceptable but keep their drinking down to a glass or two, and others cannot control themselves. I live in a pretty materialistic community. I would love to have a nicer house, buy nicer clothes , make nicer Simchas etc but I can't, so I don't. Others cannot withstand the temptation.

amother

↑ Leaf

Yesterday at 11:44 am

amother OP wrote:

Such as what?? What emotional burden?

Like parents fighting and wanting kids to take sides. Like parents having an issue with their younger children and wanting married kids to solve it. Like parents having deep issues like reputation being smearing in community and wanting kids to defend them. Like parents wanting adult children to help in legal matters. Like parents having strong emotions to day to day stresses and wanting married kids to be their friend/therapist.
This is enmeshment/parentifying/role reversal/codependency.
When it comes from a parent crying to you; it is VERY hard to resist and make boundaries. But many are sucked in. But if you’re married to someone who is entangled with their parents—you can’t just transfer your husband to a different bank account like she did with her money. It’s a lot stickier, and I think a lot more common than the money scenario. But the behavior is extremely similar.

#BestBubby ↓

Yesterday at 11:56 am

The children should have a meeting with a Rov who will guide them on how to stop giving $$$ they need to luxury spending father.

Then there will have to be an intervention with the parents that the $$$ is stopping.

And give parents the number of mesilla.

The children are ENABLING the fathers addiction.

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 12:18 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

I have a father like this and after his 4th cry for divorce I stopped listening to him and keep my distance at an arms length. It IS possible but it takes tons of strength and therapy.

↑ Chayalle

Yesterday at 12:20 pm

amother Anemone wrote:

Right but that doesn't make them mentally ill.

amother

Blonde

Yesterday at 8:07 pm

Dd read it on YT and was livid.
"If you ever ask me for money to fund your summer home I will be so angry!!"

I'm like so frugal that we can't pay for so many things, don't worry dd, I have the opposite problem.

Inside I was thinking sounded like a real scenario from imamother.