Yours mine and ours in family first

amother

Yarrow

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 7:08 pm

I know a family where this kind of thing happens, just with very different details.
The father spends like crazy, on the sons' dime , and there's never money for the wife to pay for groceries.
Goes out to eat every night, makes lavish events, travels, all while using his sons credit cards.

amother

Molasses

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 7:30 pm

I think it's a really hard line cuz it's the guys parents. My sil bought a fancy house and is now struggling to pay the bills, am I supposed to give $ to cover the mortgage while I live in my very regular not fancy, small house? But how could we let them lose the house? I totally feel for the couple and can absolutely relate

Side note what happens when it's not the parents spending lavishly but insisting "Hashem will provide" when I am paying my siblings tuition, my other siblings just paid for a siblings wedding etc etc" obviously we do it but the casualness of the comments oftentimes bother me very much

BH Yom Yom

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 8:06 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

The shocking part is the husband giving over $ without discussing with his wife first . What a way to ruin a marriage

This! And then the chutzpah of him getting upset that she transferred the rest of their savings to a new account without asking him first.

amother

Emerald

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 8:11 pm

Maybe I should start a spinoff but I always had a question on the Halacha that re Tzedekka you are supposed to give a rich man what he is used to ……
My problem with that is that many pple have “rich standards “ because they are financially irresponsible
So us responsible folks are supposed to bail them out ? I have family members that live the high life and then we hear they don’t have money … if they wouldn’t have lived the high life when they were regular like us they wouldn’t have such high standards and wouldn’t have gotten into debt

amother

Ivory

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 8:21 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

Same question here. I never figured it out.

They are broke so they are collecting $$$ for a house (they have an nebach backstory) and they are renovating it with a designer and extending it to over 5k sf while we live with more kids in 1400sf. I feel guilty that I am happy we don’t have extra money now because dh would give them anything he has. He paid their 7k simcha.

Dysfunctional family member is a hard nisoyin. I never know what’s right to do. If we should say anything and embarrass them or try to help.

amother

Oak

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 8:36 pm

amother Molasses wrote:

I guess you must be Hashem... sadly, there was a joke like that. May Hashem always provide you with everything you need, just as you generously have compassion on your sibs education. Your question about your SILs fancy house is for your LOR. If you help them out, perhaps make it an official loan?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 8:42 pm

amother Yolk wrote:

I didn't see that its a story about money. I saw it as a story of enmeshment and a new husband learning to differentiate from his parents. And it seems to have a happy ending. (For the couple at least)

The story ended with the husband saying things could go either way. I don't see it as a happy ending!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 8:56 pm

amother Ivory wrote:

Why would he pay for them?? I would never do that. No one needs a 5k sf house if they can't pay for their own simcha!!! Absurd

b.chadash

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 9:34 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

I think this is an interesting question.

I could be wrong but I think that the phenomenon of people living beyond their means is relatively new. I think in the days of the gemara, and even until recently, it was always very clear who was rich and who was poor. The rich associated with the rich, and the poor associated with the poor. There was very little mingling between them. Therefore there wasn't this pressure of "Keeping up with the joneses. " People lived within their means.

And therefore if a person lost his entire fortune, it meant that he was truly rich before. He has only lived a really rich lifestyle and knows no other way.

Today, you can't really tell who has money and who doesn't just based on how they live.

amother

↑ Yolk

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 11:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

The story ended with the husband saying things could go either way. I don't see it as a happy ending!

That's not how I read it. I understood that he understood how this could destroy his marriage and therefore decided to change and commit to his wife over his parents.

Might be more than one way to interpret that

amother

DarkPurple

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 12:38 am

I was so upset and angry for the dil who saved up her own money since she was a teen to be fiscally responsible and had this raided by her dh for his irresponsible parents. I did the same but my dh would never have done such a thing and we both came from v modest families. But I come from more impoverished circumstances and we still keep separate checking accounts bec I am anxious about it. (Sounds dysfunctional but we each have full access to the other one but it makes me feel safer to have the money I earn in my own account).

The way it describes the adult children just accepting that they give thousands of dollars to fund their parents excessive lifestyle again and again is so wrong. And the husband should have told his wife upfront about this all

↑ essie14

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 12:42 am

amother Heather wrote:

How do the spouses cope with their spouse doing this to them??

Marriage therapy, and distancing themselves physically from the parents.
The spouse doing this loses all financial privileges.

amother

Impatiens

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 12:47 am

amother Yarrow wrote:

How is the wife ok with this?

amother

Lemonchiffon ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 6:40 am

I lived this story.
Struggling to keep an impression of a lavish lifestyle and my parent helped a relative refinance, too a innocent to realize the ramifications my parents couldn’t buy a house or a car… we kept on having to move from apartment to apartment… it was a hard situation.

In the end, probably still clueless at what they did to us, Keeping up with the jones on someone else’s expense is a mental illness. Enough said Can't Believe It

amother

Leaf ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 7:06 am

In this case it’s about money so it’s obvious that what the parents did was wrong. But imagine the story was about an emotional burden that they expect the kids to help with and bail out. I think this is far more common in frum circles and equally as damaging.

Chayalle ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 7:12 am

I have a relative with relatives like this. They made a Simcha top-of-the-line with the most expensive of everything, and my relative who lives simply was approached with request to finance that Simcah because you know they don't have money......

Same relative looks her nose down at my relative when buying her kids last-season's sale clothing, she only buys her own kids the new styles.....and then my relative gets approached with tzedaka requests because they don't have money.....

It's really mind-boggling...