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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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Debbie
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 Tue, Oct 22 2024, 2:53 am
| essie14 wrote: | It's absolutely emotional blackmail and a disgusting thing to say to someone.
What is wrong with people?!?!?! |
Essie14, I think there are just some people who feel the need to verbalise every thought that comes into their mind, regardless of whether it's appropriate or not, and certainly without thought that it might be hurtful.
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essie14
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 3:03 am
| Debbie wrote: | | Essie14, I think there are just some people who feel the need to verbalise every thought that comes into their mind, regardless of whether it's appropriate or not, and certainly without thought that it might be hurtful. |
Those people need to work on themselves. It's a terrible character trait to have.
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amother
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 3:05 am
| essie14 wrote: | | Those people need to work on themselves. It's a terrible character trait to have. |
Problem is those people usually won't change from reading or hearing mussar.
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Debbie
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 3:08 am
| essie14 wrote: | | Those people need to work on themselves. It's a terrible character trait to have. |
It is a terrible character trait to have, but they probably don't see any problem with it.
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Debbie
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 3:10 am
| amother Burgundy wrote: | | Problem is those people usually won't change from reading or hearing mussar. |
Sadly you're probably right.
For some people it's their daily exercise; open mouth and put foot in!
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up high
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 4:01 am
I went through infertility and had 1 kid for a while. I also went through many other big tickets challenges, The comments stung!
When a person has a bunion, any tiny step onto it will hurt. We all have a bunion in different areas of our lives. We are vulnerable and get hurt even when people didn't intend to hurt you.
I came to realize that "Nobody means to be mean" , people are clueless (naive in this topic) or didn't think what they said.
I'm sure I said something to someone who took my comment in a wrong way.
Though I could write a book with comments and unsolicited advice people gave, I decided to let it go and focus on the positive ones.
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amother
Petunia
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 4:03 am
| TwinsMommy wrote: | Most people have left us alone as our twins (only children) got older and so did we. The twins are about to be 18 and we're both 50. And a great Rav told us we fulfilled peru urvu with one boy and one girl and we did our best hishtadlus. But we went through many years of infertility treatments so we remember that pain and there's one person in our community who MANY times has said to my husband "you STILL only have 2?"
I want to say to him...... "you're STILL a jerk?"
(ps--- he has plenty of kids but only one gender..... but I would NEVER make a nasty comment about that to him or his wife!) |
Say it! Say it!
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amother
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 4:10 am
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Gosh, where do you people live that this is so common place? I have come across plenty of stupid, tactless people in many different communities but have never come across anything like this. I have a mid-sized family so maybe that's why, but I also haven't heard about it from friends who do not.
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amother
Olive
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 4:25 am
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I have 3 gorgeous children and for a long time had no interest in more- why cant jewish people not want a small family without people thinking or commenting that they are going through infertility. Its a matter between a husband and wife and noone else. 3 is hard enough and has its own challenges. Noone knows what happening in someones marriage and life and even if all is prefect not everyone wants more. There is hashkafa- as in good to have big fams but thats not halocha (heard from.a rov once). People say nosy, rude and also.pitying statements and its none of their business but I also feel that yidden have to stop with this attitude of what is small and what is 'acceptable'.
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amother
Taupe
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 5:43 am
Thank you, I needed to hear this today x
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amother
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 5:52 am
| amother Olive wrote: | | I have 3 gorgeous children and for a long time had no interest in more- why cant jewish people not want a small family without people thinking or commenting that they are going through infertility. Its a matter between a husband and wife and noone else. 3 is hard enough and has its own challenges. Noone knows what happening in someones marriage and life and even if all is prefect not everyone wants more. There is hashkafa- as in good to have big fams but thats not halocha (heard from.a rov once). People say nosy, rude and also.pitying statements and its none of their business but I also feel that yidden have to stop with this attitude of what is small and what is 'acceptable'. |
I'm thinking about this now and it seems to me that in communities where there is a collective goal to have as many children as possible, people are afraid to admit they may not be coping.
We had a family get together yesterday and one of my sisters in law who had her third a month ago was there. Her oldest is 4. This sil is not frum, has live in help, lives in a beautiful, spacious home, has plenty of money as well as extremely hands on and supportive parents.
In between catering to the constant demands of her children with help from her DH, my MIL and the other sisters in law, she was in pieces and almost had a literal meltdown herself.
She took a few minutes to breathe and regulate herself and then said something along the lines of 3 young kids are hard any way you look at it and she's not afraid to admit it and that she loses it. She is now planning on taking a nice, break to get over the first three before she even considers any more.
She doesn't consider herself a failure for finding it difficult to manage but I think a lot of ladies in our communities probably do. It may even be subconscious but women who have large families probably feel somewhat superior to those who don't whatever the reason for the small family may be.
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Ruchel
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 6:22 am
The relentless judges aren't necessarily ourselves, no.
And these people hurt their closest loved ones. They end up missing on the best, a family who doesn't fear your mouth.
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chocolate moose
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 5:25 pm
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an older lady insisted that we had a third child and I didn'tknow what to say, since we don't!!!
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amother
Bisque
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 6:31 pm
A woman asked my child in the park if there are other siblings in the family- aside from the one he was with- he said no- she asked again are there other kinderlach? Are there other brothers and sisters? Yes the two there are very obviously many years apart/ but please stop asking my son…..
(Anon because I’ve said this recent story to a few people….)
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amother
Jetblack
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 7:18 pm
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I'm 40 and I still get asked why I am an only child. It isn't bad enough that people made comments to my parents, but they also made comments to me as a little girl and also as a grown woman. It definitely isn't there business, but it certainly isn't my business to know or to tell someone else.
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amother
Chocolate
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 7:59 pm
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I had a friend who was an only child in high school and I said such stupid comments. I cringe thinking about them. Yes I was a stupid clueless immature high schooler but still. I wish I was in touch with her that I could apologize.
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amother
Hyacinth
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 8:17 pm
I have a friend that’s an only child. Never in a million years would I ask her why. Like really now.
A classmate of mine was an only child and her mother had twins when we were 9 and then another child a few years later.
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amother
Blueberry
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Tue, Oct 22 2024, 11:53 pm
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Dd10 has a friend who is the youngest of 3. I'm friendly with her mom. It never crossed my mind to mention her family size, in fact, I was always more careful not to call attention to it because I know it can potentially be a very painful topic. I myself have a smallish family (but more kids than this friend) due to infertility and I know how much it hurts. I'm getting closer to 40 and still hoping and praying for more miracle babies. This friend just recently had a baby, I texted her to wish her mazel tov. I am SURE she's gotten comments and I feel very bad for her. Even though she now has a baby and I know how excited she is about it, comments now can still be very hurtful. There's really no reason to ever bring it up.
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amother
Nutmeg
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Mon, Oct 28 2024, 9:15 am
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We have a “Frum small” family (it’s amazing how relative this is… to the secular world, 4 kids is so many…!). A random chiloni Israeli once saw me with my kids and stupidly commented, “that’s all?” which should never be anyone’s business ever. My daughter who must’ve been about 8/9 at the time put him in his place, “my mother had cancer!” That shut him up real quick. I love my daughter ❤️ 💪🏻
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