Histapkus bemuat | Imamother

amother

Jade ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 4:48 pm

amother Bottlebrush wrote:

Where does the Torah say you should have fresh paint and nice linen and a put together home? There's value to raising kids in an organized functioning home, but what does that have to do with what you buy?

ברכות נז דירה נאה מרחבת דעתו של אדם

amother

Peach

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:09 pm

Hashem puts into women an appreciation of beauty.
Validate your child for her inherent aesthetic appreciation.
She deserves to be respected and loved for her inborn qualities.

If you want her to absorb your values, start by valuing your daughter and her values.

She will absorb yours by living them, and as she matures she can create her own set of values.

giftedmom

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:11 pm

amother Jade wrote:

This is the type of thing that the more you try and talk her out of it. The stronger she'll feel it. That's what happens when you try and talk people out of their feelings and desires for nice things.

100%
Most people by nature want nice things. I don’t think not wanting nice things makes someone better. Everything can be used for the good.

amother

Linen

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:16 pm

OP, I'm very similar to you. I don't even think it's something I've worked on. I came from a relatively well-off family and was never interested in material things. Now we're not well-off, and the last thing I'd ever pine for would be a shopping spree at Home Goods! (Never even stepped foot in the place...)

Most of my kids are on the same page as me in this area...On their birthdays, for example, their grandparents ask what to buy them and I honestly have no idea once they're past the toy stage because they don't really have anything they want!

I have two, one teenage boy and one somewhat younger girl, who do appreciate material goods. It's hard for me to relate to their desires. Honestly, I find it easier just to approach it in a light way, not quite jokingly but not so seriously. So if they say something like "Did you see the X's new car? It's SO cool. Why can't we get one like that?" I'll just say something like "I'm so happy for them! And I'm glad you can enjoy looking at it too. Honestly, to me a car is just something that takes me from Point A to Point B, so spending money on that would be a waste for me. But obviously cars like that are made for people who enjoy them!" Without any judgement on the child, or on the person who has the item, just on the fact that it would be wasted on me.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 6:02 pm

amother Periwinkle wrote:

I had a child who told me don’t worry about your old bungalow (I love it), when I’m older I’ll buy you a nice summer house. Well now said child is married and has realized how expensive life really is. This child thought that within a year or 2 of marriage they will own a house… real life is hitting and they are starting to understand not spending on extras.

Supposedly my cousins grown son bought them a new car so it does happen sometimes;) I think he also might have renovated their kitchen for them but not sure...

↑ familyfirst

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 7:12 pm

Gashmius isn’t the enemy. It’s a means to invite HaShem into this world by using gashmius for holy things.

A nice home is conducive to hachnos orchim and other mitzvos, broadens the mind, etc, puts people in a relaxed pleasant mood. Of course, all within reason.

Use it as a tool for good. There is value in being happy with what you have, but be very careful in overdoing it to the extreme. Often children of such an upbringing completely rebel against it and become obsessed with gashmius to the other extreme.

The Torah way is balance

Last edited by familyfirst on Sun, Oct 20 2024, 7:13 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 11:40 pm

Thank you all for giving me more perspective. I feel bad tonight. She came to my room to shmooze and after we talked for a bit (and more nice things came up) she said something about wanting xyz and I sighed. She said you hate it when I talk about things I want.
I really have no patience for it but will work harder at staying neutral. I was very pareve and neutral about if for more than 2 years already, I’ve just started getting very bothered and annoyed the past few months. She’s only 10 and she says things in a very judgy way. She is very geshikt and just loves to be fancy and iyH will use her kochos for the good.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 11:46 pm

amother Bergamot wrote:

She's saying this because if an emotional want, validate her want and her wishing for xyz (wouldn't it be nice to... Huh?) with a smile
This is more like to help get let go of if it vs arguing with her or disproving her

No reason to assign emotion here; it can just be a personality type. Some kids are just natural-born feineshmekers, regardless of their family's financial status and nothing you can say or do will change that.

If you start answering and saying you wish you could buy X,Y,Z for her, she'll start bargaining and asking why you don't. It's best to make it about principles and not about money. OP, you're giving her all the right answers. Lather, rinse, repeat.

amother

Bisque ↓

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 1:24 am

amother Bottlebrush wrote:

דירה נאה, אשה נאה, וכלים נאים מרחיבים את דעתו של אדם
doesn't mean you have to go all out, but a house should be neat and clean and put together, no peeling paint etc. And yes, it means different things for different people.

amother

Mulberry

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 1:41 am

amother OP wrote:

Oy. I was her.
Please talk to some mentors about reframing your attitude towards materialism. Even if you keep it inside you can really hurt her badly.

Your attitude about materialism is really really not healthy.
Is there a part of yourself that you are repressing from not having enough money as a child or not having enough money now?

amother

↑ Bisque

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 2:52 am

amother OP wrote:

Can you give her a pathway to earn the things she feels she needs? Maybe she can earn things through a reward system.
You say she is 10. Can you help her get a mother's helper job/babysitting job if that is the accepted age in your community? That way she can earn some money.
Different kids have different needs. She obviously has a need for more "stuff".
I know I was like that and eventually I stopped asking my parents for things and just stewed in my misery that they couldn't/wouldn't buy me what I needed, becuase they made me feel stupid for even asking.

Goldie613

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 3:10 am

amother OP wrote:

If her being "judgy" is the main issue you have with the conversation, can you express that to her? As in, you are fine discussing pretty things and things she might want for her own home someday, but that you need her to not judge others in such a negative light for either not being able to afford those things or for choosing not to have those things. If she would talk to you about the things she likes, but without sounding critical, would that work better for you?

I second another ima on here who suggested she can earn money for the extras she wants. If fancier things would make her happy, she can get them by working for them, or use birthday and chanukah presents as a way to get fancier pillows/throws/tzchatchkes, etc for her room, or for nicer clothes, bookbags, etc.

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 3:46 am

What type of friends does she have? It’s not fair to send her to school/ neighborhood feeling less than. Maybe each season allow for her to pick one outfit/ backpack etc that is a little more than you would do. She’ll
Feel like you care what she thinks… you don’t want her to become a teenager & totally rebel.

ShishKabob

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 2:01 pm

amother Khaki wrote:

I also have a kid who, let's just say has an appreciation for the finer things in life. It's a personality, you can't change it. My other kids are not like this and dh and I are very much modeling the down to earth way, live among likeminded families etc. There really isn't anything we could do that we aren't already doing. So first step, you accept that this is a type and there isn't necessarily anything wrong with it. My son likes nice things, but he understands he can't always have them. He's actually really industrious and comes up with ways to make money for things he does want. And despite being materialistic, he's not shallow AT ALL, he's actually quite deep. And he's just as generous with others as he is with himself. So there are other sides to this middah, it doesn't have to be negative and it doesn't have to be "cured" or "fixed".

This, thank you