Histapkus bemuat | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 12:38 pm

How can we give over this concept?
We are not fancy people. I tell my kids even if I had 10 million dollars I wouldn’t want a fancy house, fancy car, etc.
We aren’t wealthy, and honestly stuff seems to fall apart around us. If I had 10 million dollars I def would buy a house, def would fix some things that are broken… but I do not want fancy.

Most of my kids are ok with this. I have one daughter who is not. Literally every conversation with her start with “when I grow up, I am def going to have xyz” with xyz being something fancy (curtains, spice cabinet, mixer, clothes, shoes, couches, table, tablecloth, Shaitel, makeup)
Or “mommy, why don’t you ever go shopping in home goods like my friends mommy? Why did you never go to ikea to buy us fancier furniture?”

I really have been working for years at being non judge mental and trying to listen. Then tried to explain why we don’t have to want more than we have and we can be happy and grateful for what we do have but it’s getting exhausting. This is every conversation. Multiple times a day. With a child who loves dmcs but I can finish talking and she’ll ask another version of the same question. I am definitely losing patience.
Any advice please?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 12:46 pm

Neither of these work Sad

She’ll stop for the moment but bring it up again and again and again how unfair it is that not only don’t we have xyz I don’t even WANT xyz and therefore she is the worst off child in the universe. I’m exaggerating, but only a little.

amother

↑ DarkPurple

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 12:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Neither of these work Sad

Why not keep repeating it till she gets bored with your response and stops asking

You may never change her middah (if that’s what you’re asking) but you may be able to get her to stop asking.

amother

Bergamot ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 1:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

Neither of these work Sad

She's saying this because if an emotional want, validate her want and her wishing for xyz (wouldn't it be nice to... Huh?) with a smile
This is more like to help get let go of if it vs arguing with her or disproving her

amother

Lawngreen ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 1:17 pm

In general I'd be like the posters saying when you grow up you can buy all that, but just checking in here that what you're living in/with is standard and not embarrassing
Ikea and home goods aren't exactly luxury shops and you said something about things breaking down around you?

Hashem_Yaazor

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 1:38 pm

Many kids will act and talk like this and as they grow up and mature, their views will change too. Just keep on doing what you're doing. There's nothing more you can anyway...

Model happiness at what you have and don't put down for kids dreaming of more.

amother

Khaki

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 2:20 pm

I also have a kid who, let's just say has an appreciation for the finer things in life. It's a personality, you can't change it. My other kids are not like this and dh and I are very much modeling the down to earth way, live among likeminded families etc. There really isn't anything we could do that we aren't already doing. So first step, you accept that this is a type and there isn't necessarily anything wrong with it. My son likes nice things, but he understands he can't always have them. He's actually really industrious and comes up with ways to make money for things he does want. And despite being materialistic, he's not shallow AT ALL, he's actually quite deep. And he's just as generous with others as he is with himself. So there are other sides to this middah, it doesn't have to be negative and it doesn't have to be "cured" or "fixed".

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 4:29 pm

I had a child who told me don’t worry about your old bungalow (I love it), when I’m older I’ll buy you a nice summer house. Well now said child is married and has realized how expensive life really is. This child thought that within a year or 2 of marriage they will own a house… real life is hitting and they are starting to understand not spending on extras.

familyfirst ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 4:39 pm

Be honest with yourself

Is your house neglected and shabby in the name of being happy with what you have? Can you afford more but insist on super modest home?

If this is what you truly can afford, then leave it alone. But Jewish values does not mean neglected and run down. IKEA is not fancy, and a home should be put together, not ostentatious, if possible.

I would say do what you can within your budget. A fresh coat of paint, decent linen, etc- you can get a good deal on second hand stuff. A child should be proud of their functioning, albeit modest home.

Don’t poo poo having a well taken care of home. The Torah actually encourages it. The problem is when it crosses the line and becomes living beyond your budget or/and being ostentatious.

Best to have a happy medium. Take care of your home, buy decent furniture if you could afford, make it a place kids are proud of. Keep it organized and functioning.

After that, your child can grow up and run her home as she likes. Chances are that time and life will teach her that there is value in her parents values md that not all that glitters is gold

amother

Oatmeal

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:46 pm

I live very very simply.

But at the same time I like dreaming of a nicer home, more practical furniture, better quality dishes.

I don't think you have to worry about her future ability to be mistapek bemuat. Don't worry about changing her mind yet. Just make sure she is not chutzpadik with her comments now, and let her have her dreams.

BrachaVHatzlocha

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:50 pm

Some kids/people just have that personality. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. And certain things you may need to give in so they don't feel deprived (or if all their friends have a camera, get her a camera). On the other hand, yeah, sorry we aren't moving to a bigger house now,.this is the furniture we have....

amother

Bottlebrush ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 6:15 pm

familyfirst wrote:

Where does the Torah say you should have fresh paint and nice linen and a put together home? There's value to raising kids in an organized functioning home, but what does that have to do with what you buy?

amother

Blushpink

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 6:41 pm

we don't live very very simple but compared to some people in our lives we are simple. my kids get treats and privileges but not out of hand.
I have a daughter that keeps saying all the outlandish things she will have when married. I just smile and say I hope so too. I really do hope she gets to have all the things she dreams of.

amother

Ebony ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 6:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Neither of these work Sad

So that’s fine. She can think that way. It’s ok. When she is adult she can choose how to spend her money