Gave someone tzedaka

amother

Lightblue

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 10:59 am

WhatFor wrote:

Op, look at your first sentence and look at the last. That's how. This is someone who was so addicted to gambling he wound up in prison for his addiction. Prison isn't going to cure an addiction. He likely has a very serious issue. I feel bad for your friend.

If she needs money for food, consider buying her credit at a local grocery (if they'll do that) or giving in ways that won't enable her DH to misspend their resources.

You're right. Seems the guy still suffers from his addiction.

Bidding for anything, even aliyos, is gambling. The thrill of bidding against someone going higher and higher, and the thrill of 'winning' is gambling. There's a bigger problem here then using tzedakah money for non-essentials.

giftedmom

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 11:02 am

If I ever want to make sure that money is being used the way I want it to, I put credit in a specific store or buy the goods myself and “gift” it.
If you give cash, and especially if it’s being given as something like a bonus, you really can’t have taanos on anyone.
When I give cash it’s because I’m giving tzeddaka and I chose to give it to that person. I don’t check afterwards what they’re doing or buying.

BatyaEsther

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 11:31 am

OP, I get how you are feeling and would definitely feel the same way.
Being it is not me, and I am removed from the situation, I can add some perspective.

Number one, your friend It’s likely upset and struggling. Imagine how she must probably feel. She feels like she does not have enough money for her YT expenses and here is her husband, whether you wanna call it a gambling issue, which has not been resolved, or a gaiva problem, where he needs to bid and show off. She likely much more upset than you are.

Number two, when aliyot are auctioned, it’s the Shul who is getting the money. Yes, he gets his name out there, and showing off, but do you not think Hashem knows everything and has a plan for everything? At the end of the day, it is what Hashem knows and thinks, not your neighbors. Your money went to the Shul, and he was the Shaliach. There it will go to help where and what is needed, whether it’s keeping the lights on, paying the salary of somebody who works really hard to maintain the shul and community or to uplift the community.

Your tzedaka was given twice-to your friend and then to the community. What a zechut for you. May Hashem grant you a whole lot of maaser to give in 5785.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 2:08 pm

Just some perspective:

I’m a single mom and sometimes get tzedaka though I rarely ask.

I feel so guilty about so much. For example, I went away for yom tov, not a crazy program or anything, I budgeted carefully , truth is it’s only costing me slightly more than being home would cost. And I can’t do seudos and build a sukka and everything alone, it’s hard to stay home without a husband. But I feel guilty, cuz what if someone wonders how I can go on vacation if I receive tzedaka?

And then I have a few second hand designer pieces a friend gifted me, they look brand new though, barely used. And again, I feel guilty wearing them cuz what if I’m judged and people think I bought it?

It’s exhausting to have to worry about this and not be able to enjoy the little joys.

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 2:17 pm

Rather than give money to the wife of a compulsive gambler (and the selling of of aliyot in shul exactly ticks those dopamine needs for gamblers) do something more practical.
Set aside money in a shop, buy clothes, send a needed gift.
I pay for someone else to go to the mikvah each time I go (ie I pay double and tell the ML to credit it to someone that night who needs it - she said there is always more than one who can't pay).
Just don't give money he can get hold of, esp when it hurts you

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 2:26 pm

WhatFor wrote:

Op here good idea

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 2:30 pm

Op ed here you have all been very helpful I'm going to get vouchers for the local shops and if she asks me again for money I will say I have the amount of vouchers I have
And what you all write above the bidding must be his gambling in side of him sadly
Thanks again all the brochos to each and everyone of you

amother

Watermelon

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 2:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hi my good friend was very rich then the husband was put in prison for gambling other people's money away
He's out of prison and working hard to provide for his family
Every so often I will give her money for chag each time she would say I'm going to use this to buy clothes or to take kids on outings ,
I use to get upset as I'm a big budget person my kids have fun but on a budget but she gets tzedaka money and her kids get to do amazing things
Anyway my husband said when someone was rich then goes poor u need to give them what they were use to I have accepted this
But before chag she told she's desperate for money for food I gave it to her
Then over chag in shul the husband bidded for a few Aliyas and brought it for same money I gave her
The interesting thing this man won't talk to my husband and does not no that his wife takes money from me sometimes it's a loan and a lot of times it's tzedaka as she asks to borrow but most times never gives it back and a lot of times I have just given her tzedaka before chag
My point is how can her bid for aliyahs when his family is getting tzedaka

Bolded #1:
I'm a big budgets person and those things are needs for me and for many people I wouldn't judge that. If that's too hard for you, then you learned your lesson the first time (fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you sentiment)

Bolded #2:
The answer to your entire post. He didn't know. He has no idea you gave it.

Cheiny

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 1:41 am

amother Junglegreen wrote:

Someone said on a thread yesterday that the Gemara which says to give formerly rich people tzedakah so they can keep living their high end lifestyle has a caveat that this should only be done if there are no other poor people in the city. If this is true, then supporting rich people at their former standard is not a thing in today’s day.

Wrong.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 1:56 am

Putting aside gambling, I really think people's definition of luxury can be so different. Like there are people that prefer to spend less on food for yt and more on matching clothes because that is important to them. Or more on a nice trip.

Someone gave me tzedaka (I didnt ask for it), and I spent it on a DR table and chairs (used, nothing fancy). We had a folding table so maybe the table was a luxury but it gives us so much simcha. Much more than food.