How do you ever get any privacy?

amother

Violet ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:19 pm

My husband comes home from night seder and Maariv at 11:00. It is at that time that we go over next day schedule, talk about anything important that may have come up since we last saw each other supper time, and sometimes do some straightening up if I was too drained to do it earlier. If there is a teen hanging around the main level AND they are not giving us space / giving their unsolicited opinion on what we are discussing OR it's a more private matter (or L"H for them to overhear) I absolutely do tell them they have a room curfew and need to go to their room. Each kid has their own room (upstairs or basement) and of course they can use the bathroom etc - it just means they need to be off the main level since I need to talk to Abba. If they are thirsty they are welcome to take up as many small water bottles as they want (always have at least 20 in the fridge). Our home is very loving bh and I have an amazing relationship with my teens and their friends love coming here. There is no dysfunctional or abusive situation, just sometimes we need space/privacy while still being on the main living area of the house and the hour is late anyways so we more than gently nudge the teens to please go to their rooms now. Never had any pushback or argument (sometimes I think they are happy to get that nudge to retire for the night).

amother

↑ Babypink

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:22 pm

amother Violet wrote:

Why can’t you go into your room instead of making them go into theirs?

amother

↑ Violet ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 9:59 pm

Because we need to do things to prepare for the next day or home housekeeping stuff like gathering papers, paying a bill etc. Also as I mentioned we put the house in order if I am not able to get to it earlier - so much easier to get some things done together - sort through mail, pack a lunch, defrost food from freezer for next day etc. it's practical stuff that we need access to the kitchen, study etc to take care of. Sometimes this works smoothly if teen is say around but not involving themselves in what we are doing. But if teen is giving their unsolicited opinions or detailing us or if things are more of a private nature then I ask them to retire to their rooms.

amother

↑ Ghostwhite

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 10:14 pm

I think 14 y o and 19 y o have other rules and needs.

A 14 y o could be told she has bedroom curfew at a norm hour 10-11...with a kind healthy discussion and obviously explaining that a quick drink or bathroom visit is ok, that is promoting healthy habits, whats wrong. A 19 y o...not so much...

amother

↑ Mimosa

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 11:29 pm

amother Tangerine wrote:

I haven't figured it out, I have a 14 year old who stays up really late and it really bothers me when I want some me time out of my room. It's a small apartment, either the kitchen or the living room but she walks around doing basically nothing.
I sometimes put the little kids to sleep and go to my room, wait till she goes to sleep and then go out and do what I have to do.

Nothing wrong with telling her it's time to go to her room for the night. She may be too old for an official bedtime, but if she's abusing this privilege by not going to sleep at a reasonable hour (especially on a school night), you can tell her it's time to go to her room and start settling down for the night. Just make sure it's about her needs and not yours, even though you're obviously benefitting also.

amother

Starflower ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 11:32 pm

Interesting hearing about all the room curfews. I certainly to that with pre-teens. But some teens I'm just happy when they follow a house curfew.. bh for couples time and romance in locked bedroom most very important after spending time with a house full of teens.
Some teens stay up very late. And not all teens have their own bedrooms. In which case it's preferred if they hang out in main living areas
Instead of giving teens room curfew so that you can accomplish tasks like paying bills or talking to hubby can't you do that in your bedroom.

amother

↑ Tan ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 11:40 pm

amother Blue wrote:

Does 40 count as middle aged? We’ve done it in the car many times.

Yes 40 counts as middle aged.
Are you physically very small people? How do two grownups fit comfortably in the trunk. I'm just not getting it.

amother

↑ Daphne

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:11 am

amother Blue wrote:

Does 40 count as middle aged? We’ve done it in the car many times.

In our forties not in the trunk but backseat having the teenage years we never had because we were not religious but goody goodies and never dated
Only mikvah night because it’s not so easy when you’re not young

amother

↑ Starflower ↓

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:22 am

...this car thing sounds so not tznius even with the best tint. Is this really common among erlicha frum couples? Seems Totally not betamt.
I don't understand . Even if you live in a very small apartment, which I do, don't you have a bedroom with a door that locks???

amother

↑ Violet

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:30 am

amother Starflower wrote:

Some teens stay up very late. And not all teens have their own bedrooms. In which case it's preferred if they hang out in main living areas
Instead of giving teens room curfew so that you can accomplish tasks like paying bills or talking to hubby can't you do that in your bedroom.

All my kids teens or not have their own bedroom (due to rooms we created in bedroom). I feel like each of them needed their own space. No I can't pay bills in my bedroom, that's not where my home office is (computer, checks, bill and mail filing system, paperwork) plus the other kitchen centric tasks I mentioned. It's funny I am getting such pushback here when I don't remember the teens themselves ever giving me pushback for saying "time for all kids to go to their rooms now" (they know they can stay up in their rooms obviously). As I mentioned, I honestly think sometimes it's a bit of a relief for them! Like ok, I am going to my room because I have to but if it was up to me I would never turn in so early.

amother

↑ Steelblue

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:36 am

amother Starflower wrote:

This bedroom thing sounds so not tznius. Is this really common among erlicha frum couples? Seems totally not betamt. I don't understand. Even if you're married and all, it's just not aidel to get into bed with your husband...

amother

Carnation

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 11:00 am

Privacy: we talk in the car - until the kids come out and knock on the car window, or jus sand by the window. Not only for private matters but because we dont want the interruptions. As for doing anything a little more... Never done it in the car - I cant see how it would be comfortable unless plan it, clean the car, go to secluded place, & open up trunk, put down something to lie on... for all that effort you are still exposed to the public. May as well just check in to a hotel! Its difficult at home to get the privacy, just need to keep the kids occupied - put on a movie downstairs, or usually just need to wait until they go to sleep - which means waking up in the wee hours for a quiet house and trying not to make too much noise that doesnt wake the rest of the house up. A house is not soundproof. Often we lock our bedroom door - either getting changed, or just quiet talk time - or just that I want a quiet night sleep without being interrupted. It doesnt need to mean anything more, although sometimes it does!