How do you ever get any privacy?

amother

Mimosa ↓

Sat, Oct 19 2024, 11:44 pm

For privacy with dh we tend to leave the house at night a lot more often than we did when kids were younger since we don’t always enjoy talking in hushed tones in our room. Sometimes we’ll go for a drive, out to eat or just go sit in a park—anything for some privacy! It also helps that teens in the house means we never need a babysitter.

For my own alone time I’ll just go into my room and lock the door. We put in a small couch in our room so there’s somewhere comfy to sit and it’s my escape haven when the teens seem to be taking over the house.

amother

Daphne ↓

Sat, Oct 19 2024, 11:50 pm

Our room is on a separate floor, which really helps. I’m not ashamed to say that we’ve had it in the car if that’s what you’re referring to. Not often but on mikvah Night just said we’re going for a date and that’s what happened. We’ve also gotten up extra early in the morning. We don’t have to quite as much because our room is on the top floor, but I can only imagine if I shared a roommate next to my kids, we would have to get much More creative

amother

↑ Denim ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 12:21 am

amother OP wrote:

How do you ever get any privacy with teens? They are wake for longer than us and we have such a hard time getting privacy?

You do need to train your teens that after a certain time or when your door is closed, you are unavailable. I try to be reasonable to their schedule, so for me this is 11 but often 1130/12 even later My signal is I am in my room with the door closed. Knowing theres a tjme limit means they come to you with their schedule/money/etc requests by that time or too bad. I still try to be available for angsty stuff or rehashing a date as late as I am able.

When both dh and I are in our room we lock the door. A sound machine is helpful. and we are quiet.

amother

↑ Plum ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 12:28 am

amother Denim wrote:

You close your house to your teens? Do you have older teens? A massive house?

Trying to envision how this works.
And how does it give you privacy in your house? Are you allowed in the house just not them?

No one has to be using the kitchen or other rooms after 11 or 12 or whatever time you want. They have whatever they need in their rooms and they hang out there quietly until they go to sleep. Why is this such a difficult concept? They can be respectful about others needs. Life doesn’t revolve around them and just because they want to be up really late doesn’t mean anyone else needs to be disturbed by it. And yes I stay in whatever room I want until I feel like it.

amother

↑ Denim ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 1:04 am

amother Plum wrote:

So you can sit on the sofa reading or on your phone, whatever, until whatever time you want but your 17 year old has to do that on their bed in their room because the house is closed to them?

How does them wanting to read on the sofa make the whole house revolve around them or disturb any more than you disturb by sitting on your couch until you feel like it? Unless you mean disturb to mean disturbing you, which is an approach I guess but I just cant see enforcing that teen that Im trying to encourage to live at home.

And raise your hand if your 18+ year old (or even younger) is consistently home by 11.

And op asked re privacy. Privacy at 12 is not the most helpful (though better than nothing).

amother

↑ Plum

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 1:08 am

amother Denim wrote:

Yes this is what I do. And it works wonders for all of us. All of our needs are met, they get to stay up and I get to have space to just do what I need to do. If they aren’t home they get home take a drink or whatever and head to their room. And I’m talking kids in high school not older. We said teens. Not 18+, 19 is barely a teen. Not sure why you are switching the convo or making a whole court case. And fyi you can set house rules at any age, your house your rules. You don’t have to give up living like a normal person just because you have older kids.

queen esther

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 2:20 am

amother Candycane wrote:

Why is having your teenage kids hanging around the house not "living like a normal person?"

I agree with this. I really don't understand the mindset described above in the other post. Yes I'm the adult in charge of the home, but it's their home too! I can see putting a boundary on when I'm available for interacting, or making sure they clean up or are quiet if that's an issue, but I cannot ever imagine restricting common areas of the house to a teen. I have an almost 15 yr old for reference. If I want privacy, I go to my room or a room in basement if I'm making a phone call I don't want ppl to hear. But everyone does what works for them!

amother

↑ Denim

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 3:14 am

amother Plum wrote:

I guess because when op said "teens" I interpreted that as "young people living in your house" and assumed she wrote "teens" because thats the stage shes at.

I wrote 17, 19 bevause those are my teens that are autonomous in their lives and I cant imagine restricting them in the common areas of their home beyond don't make a mess. I also have older children.

Younger teens that still have a "bedtime" I can see your approach working. I happen to have twin 9th grade 14 year olds that I did not mention because I still send them off to bed by 1030 (well, in theory - harder to do this once there are older kids, but im still trying). But I know well and good that type of "guidance" will be history by the end of this year, and certainly by next.
They are not really my privacy problem atm, but that is rapidly changing.

It doesnt really get any more private as they become post teen, you know. Other than they often move out because they're in beis medresh/ marriage/ college/ sick of overbearing parents.
Even so, at yom tov all those types are often back home---- in that case they are schmoozing with each other to all hours and running to friends and maariv and shopping and arba minim and really youre sending them to their rooms and kicking them out of common spaces for you to.sit in privacy on your recliner or clean your kitchen ?

You said "high school" so ill ask again, you send your 10th or 11th grader to their room?
I can only imagine this working if each kid has their own bedroom with an ensuite bathroom and a couch. Certainly not the accommodations in my house where most kids share a room.

asmileaday

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 3:16 am

We have privacy in our bedroom with a closed door.
The car is the most used space for real privacy.
We take walks frequently, like after the shabbos meal or just later at night when the little ones are asleep.
I can't wrap my head around the idea of closing the house past a certain hour. If it works for that poster, kol hakavod.
I just can't see it working for me without feeling like I'm overly restricting their free movement or being a very controlling parent.
I do train them to be quiet when moving around the house so my little ones don't wake up.
But I'm not going to tell them they can't join me on the couch past 10. Some of the best and deepest conversations happen then!
If I'm ever feeling overwhelmed I have no problem stating that I need my space right now. It's not a contradiction.

amother

↑ Daphne ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 4:03 am

I started my locking my door every night, not to sleep for a couple of hours before I go to sleep so I had quiet time with my husband. And they don’t really question if the door is locked when it’s locked every single night. Like I said, they unlock it when I actually go to sleep, which is usually after them although I have kids that are much older so they could be sleeping but they can always call me on the phone if there’s a real emergency.

amother

Salmon ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 4:11 am

amother Daphne wrote:

Curious how the car works? Do you go to a quiet spot? In the front seats or go to the back seats or trunk? Been wanting to try it.