S/o teen saying I have too many kids

amother

Amaranthus ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:15 pm

That was really rude, OP, especially because there was truth in the comment, which makes it even more hurtful—something she might remember for a long time.

I’m surprised so many of you think it’s okay.
No one is saying you shouldve dropped everything and stayed with her. But if you look behind her words, she was really asking for more time with you. And your response was, essentially, “If I had to choose to spend even less time with any of the kids, I’d spend less time with you.”

chestnut ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:24 pm

Love your answer.
A 13 y old shouldn't go crazy to wait a few minutes while her younger siblings are out to bed.
I'm pretty sure OP makes sure to spend quality time with this child, we already know they're in therapy together, so she's trying to make things better, so I wouldn't accuse her of being rude or hurtful.

↑ chestnut ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:26 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

Disagree. What she was really asking was "don't go to my siblings, I don't want to wait, spend time with me NOW"

amother

↑ Amaranthus

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:28 pm

chestnut wrote:

Disagree. What she was really asking was "don't go to my siblings, I don't want to wait, spend time with me NOW"

Yes, those were her actual words.
But like I said, if you look behind her words, what she’s asking for, is for more time with her mom.

↑ chestnut ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:31 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

Yes, those were her actual words.
But like I said, if you look behind her words, what she’s asking for, is for more time with her mom.

I understand what you meant and am saying that most probably she meant what she actually said.

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:36 pm

Op here

If this kid never gets any private time I’d understand her outburst and expression of need. Every other kid got 2 minutes each to be tucked in. She needed to wait a total of 6 minutes. She yentas to me nightly for 1-2 hours. So she knows she gets a lot of time. More than the other kids who aren’t so needy. Like a diff poster said, she just wanted me to do what she wanted NOW and to h-ll with the rest of the family. She can be selfish like that, like hogging the bathroom for 2 hours Friday afternoon when everyone needs showers and we’re all banging down the door.

One therapist we work with that she complained to about me how I wasn’t doing what she wanted calmly looked at her and said “ I work with MANY kids. I’ve never met anyone so calm and dedicated like your mother. Most parents would never tolerate this behavior,” not in that way, more softer so she would get the point, that she has support for her issues. People dropping everything to do her bidding is not the goal here.

amother

↑ Hawthorn ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:38 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

She was saying put me first. She was already promised time and she was being inappropriate demanding it right now and essentially saying my siblings shouldn’t have been born. Key point SHE WAS PROMISED TIME.

amother

↑ Hawthorn

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

You are doing amazing. Keep in mind some posters on the teen threads are closer to teen years than our ages and they are just projecting.

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:40 pm

My 13 year old gets like this sometimes but she is emotionally like a 5 year old when she feels overwhelmed. Does this child have development delays? I would try not to take it personally and talk through how she is feeling and leave your family size out of it. I have 4 kids and they each have to wait their turn. If they seem overwhelmed I sometimes make an extra effort but it depends on what else is going on and how much time he or she needs to work on an issue.

↑ chestnut ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

You sound like an amazing, dedicated mother

↑ chestnut

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:43 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

You are doing amazing. Keep in mind some posters on the teen threads are closer to teen years than our ages and they are just projecting.

Or their replies are colored by their own experiences as parents or children.
This is a real danger of people posting their opinions.

notshanarishona ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

So my 13 year old dd complained to me that I have too many kids. Not because she needed to help or babysit. (She happens to be particularly unhelpful compared to my other kids). Because she wanted to have a long discussion with me by bedtime. And I told her she can wait until I’m done tucking the younger ones into bed and kissing them goodnight. So she got annoyed that she needed to wait a few minutes and said “you shouldn’t have had so many kids” and I’m not too ashamed to say I told her “great, you’ll be the first one I give away” it kind of shocked her (she’s a very hard kid, very demanding, ). And she said that’s not what I meant!

How bad of a mother am I to have said that? And that I don’t even feel bad about it, she should take a long hard look in the mirror at her behavior. (Yes we’re in therapy, for many issues she has)

It’s a pretty terrible thing to say. It’s basically confirming to her that you don’t love/ want a relationship with her. I would definitely apologize.

amother

Stone

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:53 pm

I haven’t been a teenager for many years and I think it probably hurt your dd deeply, even if you couldn’t see it on her face.
There are methods to help children learn to be less selfish. Snide comments are not the way.
Op, first be compassionate to yourself. She sounds like a handful, and you are trying hard to help her.
Then give her a hug and apologize.

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 8:06 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

You are doing amazing. Keep in mind some posters on the teen threads are closer to teen years than our ages and they are just projecting.

Most teens are not SO difficult. But they are somewhat difficult. So parents of teens think they can relate, but they can't, because the teens in question are on a whole different level.

giftedmom

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 8:20 pm

Oh it really drives me crazy when a teen who should know better whines and demands like a toddler! Additionally I don’t take attitude. I probably would’ve said worse. Likely would not want to talk to my kid for two hours after a comment like that. You’re amazing.

amother

Maple

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 8:24 pm

This is something I would have said to my mom as a teen and she would have given the exact same reply as you! And we have a great relationship . She’d say to me all the time I don’t really like you but I’ll always love you. She’s sarcastic like that.
When I asked her mechila this YK for anything I may have said badly about her (to a sis or friend) she said “if it’s something I would have b laughed at you’re more than forgiven”
I have no problem with this type of relationship

↑ Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Oct 16 2024, 12:08 am

notshanarishona wrote:

It’s a pretty terrible thing to say. It’s basically confirming to her that you don’t love/ want a relationship with her. I would definitely apologize.

To tell a parent "you have too many kids" is also pretty terrible.

imaima

Wed, Oct 16 2024, 12:34 am

amother OP wrote:

So what did she mean? Did you find it out?

amother

Ebony

Wed, Oct 16 2024, 12:40 am

bigsis144 wrote:

2 of my 3 kids have told me I shouldn’t have more kids. Said kids are 11 and 14. I honestly have no idea what to say.

I’m the eldest of 6 and love my siblings so deeply. This hurts me so so much.

My 14 year old doesn’t say it but she acts it.
She doesn’t understand why I won’t let her bug and criticize her younger siblings, even if there is a reason to criticize. I guess she can’t wrap her mind around the fact that multiple people in the household should feel welcome and good, not just her