You have too many kids, ma!

amother

DarkGray

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 2:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

She didn't want to help. I was having a really rough day. I usually don't ask for help during the evening hours. She's not a night person. My husband was out. The younger ones were acting crazy. My teen was off the entire day from school. She also made a comment I'm not off from school to help you.( I bet her principal would beg to differ). My other teen who I asked for help said it doesn't matter how much I help you'll still be stressed. That's why I'm not bothering. And walked away.

I just want to say that I try not to ask for help when I can do it myself . I can twist myself into a pretzel to be there and help my teens when they need help with something. I needed some help yesterday. I dont expect them to twist themselves into a pretzel for me . Just some basic decency. And I got these cruel responses. I keep on thinking how did I do such a poor job raising them??? This is not some dysfunctional family that the parents are checked out and the kids are running the house. Isn't it basic decency that if you see someone needs help it's okay to give 20 minutes of your time??

There's a bunch of stuff here mixed up.

There's chesed.
There's nosei be'ol - if you see someone working, get up and help
There's the fact that if you live in a house, you take part in upkeep
There's hakaras hatov to parents
There's kibud av va'em.

But we all have our days. I find my sensitive kids feel when I'm stressed or feeling ill and it stresses them out too and then they freak out and get rude.

When you have a calm minute I would sit them down and work through it. But for now, just sending hugs and love.

amother

Crystal

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 2:56 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

And if, as an adult they still feel the same, they get to choose to have less.....

Never said this as a teen and I love my siblings to bits.

Our mother had too many kids. Sis and I both agree. She had too many.
Sis has one not by choice. I have same as my parents have, and want one more. Sometimes (very active baby BH) I feel like I have too many. We may have another and we may not.

That's completely unrelated to the fact that my mother DID have too many. My father was good with handling five, my mother was not equipped to do it. Full stop. She still doesn't know how to parent us. And nothing will fix that and if DH and I end up with eight and we manage to parent them well that will have nothing at all to do with the fact that my mother wasn't fit to have five.

There's simply no relationship.

If I think you have too many does that mean I must have less than you? What if I think you weren't up for having three and are collapsing with three, and I already have more than you, should I give some away?

One person's capacity to handle x number of kids isn't related to another person's capacity to handle the same number.

amother

White

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 3:13 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

You need to reframe it for her. She helps because she lives there. She contributes to the mess and the chaos of the house creating more chores. It has nothing to do with how many kids you have. You are not the slave and maid. And this is why I start my kids helping when they are toddlers. It’s just how it is we all pitch in. It’s very hard to get a teen to suddenly start helping when they were waited on hand and foot their whole life.

This.

My teen actually complained we have too little kids so " everything falls on him" and he has no partners. He's taken on some responsibilities on his own and resents the other kids for not following along.
We have large gaps between some kids so the younger ones are much younger.
BTW Everyone pitches in, age appropriately, to make the household run smoothly.

Some kids just like to complain. We need to help them reframe what is actually bothering them.

imaima

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 3:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's what my teenager told me last night. I'm so angry teen said that. I asked teen for help and teen said no, it's not her problem that I have too many kids. Just for the record I don't have a lot of kids. I do have a set of multiples and I try very hard not to ask for help, even though I often do need help. This teen thinks she has the right to live in my house, not clean her own room, makes big kitchen messes and doesn't clean up after herself. I know I have to have a thick skin for all the teenage stuff, but this comment really has me seeing red.

My usual reply to any such comments is that having you was the same choice as having any other sibling.
That usually settles it.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 3:43 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

Sometimes what we think is reading between the lines is just projection. Op posted enough for us to see it’s not the case. Yes it’s coming from being spoiled to just being a regular kid who is no longer extremely spoiled.

I think OP should try to have a heart to heart with her teens to get to root of why they feel a little bitter towards her.

amother

Trillium

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 3:54 pm

amother Banana wrote:

As the oldest girl of a large family, I said it to my mother many times & I still stand by it. She has too many kids.
Your teen said it for a reason. Wether she means it literally or not, she didn't say it just because. There's something bothering her that made her say it.
Though she should 100% be cleaning up after herself & be responsible for keeping her room clean.

1000% every word of this. Same here.

ora_43 ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:02 pm

Part of parenting teens is helping them move saying whatever's in their head, to recognizing their own emotions and thinking before they speak.

In the moment, I'd say something like "that's not an appropriate way to speak to me" or "that's really mean". In a more-or-less-normal situation (no psychological issues, abuse, pathological demand avoidance, etc) gently telling kids they're being mean is often enough to help them check their behavior.

Later I'd go back and talk about why they said it and whether they really feel that way.

IOW I think both parts are necessary. Yes, it might rest on some real emotion that needs to be brought out and discussed. But also, it's a really inappropriate and hurtful way to speak to another person. Standing up for ourselves as parents and insisting on basic respect isn't about demanding subservience, it's part of how kids learn how to treat people.

↑ ora_43

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 5:07 pm

Also wondering: why was your dh not home?

Not to immediately blame the husband. But if he regularly goes out at night for anything that's not absolutely necessary (eg health, hobbies, as opposed to work), and as a result you're stressed / have less energy for them/ need their help, there might be resentment there that's leaking over onto you.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 1:45 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

But you are wrong about your assumptions. Firstly 2 means nothing kids parrot each other especially if it worked when the first one did. It proves absolutely nothing. Second of all the issue is because she did way you much and they are spoiled and are not adapting to the fact that they will no longer have that super privileged perfect life.

I feel like you aren’t reading the actual situation. She was upset to sit on the couch with her device, she wanted to sit where she wanted to sit, and she was upset she got to go to a really nice simcha but her mother stayed home instead of making the whole family stay home. This is not a case of working her kids too hard or neglecting the teens. It’s a case of really spoiled teens who want to continue being spoiled. And that needs to be fixed asap.

Exactly. I have a relative here for YT who comes from a double digit family. Their house is famously messy/disastrous. I asked her why no one pitches in and she said when the oldest says “why should I have to?” Why would all the next kids help out? They saw it worked for the oldest and they followed suit.