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Do you usually say "you look so beautiful" when you meet someone at a wedding?
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| Yes, I'm yeshivish/litvish |
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25% |
[ 68 ] |
| No, I'm yeshivish /litvish |
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4% |
[ 11 ] |
| Yes, I'm chassidish/Heimish |
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38% |
[ 102 ] |
| No,I'm chassidish /heimish |
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3% |
[ 8 ] |
| Yes, I'm JPF |
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15% |
[ 41 ] |
| No, I'm JPF |
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4% |
[ 11 ] |
| Yes, I'm MO |
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4% |
[ 11 ] |
| No, I'm MO |
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1% |
[ 5 ] |
| Other |
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3% |
[ 8 ] |
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| Total Votes : 265 |
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chestnut
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 Mon, Oct 14 2024, 11:28 pm
| penguin wrote: | I hear about people preferring to be appreciated for more than appearance.
OTOH since most people put a lot of effort and money onto a simcha, and do look better than their daily, I feel moved to say how nice they look, how nice their gown.
Out of hands! But. Someone may feel insulted bec it implies they don't usually look too good? Or is that just my insecure child part's thought? |
Hardly anyone looks as glamorous on a daily basis as at their child's wedding. Fact of life.
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amother
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Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:05 am
| chestnut wrote: | | Phew, so you meant when talking to regular guests, not mothers of the bride and groom? Then we're all in agreement. No one will be going to all guests saying they look gorgeous, unless something is really gorgeous. I definitely complimented outfits of some women I didn't know because I thought they were original, in style or color. Received same compliments from strangers as well. I think it's nice and doesn't reduce me or them to shallowness. But other wedding guests you know, of course, we talk to them about other things. |
She said upthread that to a Baalas Simcha she would also never comment about her looks.
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amother
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Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:08 am
| penguin wrote: | I hear about people preferring to be appreciated for more than appearance.
OTOH since most people put a lot of effort and money onto a simcha, and do look better than their daily, I feel moved to say how nice they look, how nice their gown.
Out of hands! But. Someone may feel insulted bec it implies they don't usually look too good? Or is that just my insecure child part's thought? |
Yes, it's an insecurity. I look like a drab on most days but compliments at a wedding seem appropriate to me and I appreciate them.
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amother
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Tue, Oct 15 2024, 8:02 am
| amother OP wrote: | | She said upthread that to a Baalas Simcha she would also never comment about her looks. |
I don't think there's anything wrong with commenting on the looks of the baalas simcha, or anyone else for that matter, if thats what you want to do. But it's not something I do. Not as a shita- just because it's not my type. As people so often say here- "You do you."
I can be gracious and appropriate when greeting the baalas simcha without telling her that I think she looks awesome. Don't you know anyone who just isn't the type?
In fact I think it's rather odd to assert that one should feel obligated to comment on someone's looks just because she has put in so much effort to look pretty, and if you don't, you are committing some sort of social faux pas.
If you love how someone looks, and you are moved to tell them so, by all means, tell them.
But I would think she went through that effort so that she can feel good and look great at the simcha, not because she was fetching for compliments. I think its quite a stretch to say that all time and effort she went through to look a certain way earns her the compliments, like it's some tax you owe her.
People want to look good and appropriate and that is the goal in and of itself. Getting compliments is nice, but honestly meaningless if it's a social expectation.
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amother
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Tue, Oct 15 2024, 8:12 am
| amother Dill wrote: | Not the only way but definitely a good way. Doesnt every women want to be noticed? Complimented? Acknowledged for her beauty?
Did you ever make your own simcha? Chasuna? Bar mitzva ? |
No. Not every women wants to be acknowledged for her beauty. Especially not by the general crowd at a simcha.
Really not.
At a simcha, I want to greet and be greeted as a person, and I don't see any reason to talk about appearances. Not because I think there's something wrong with it. Just because it's not my thing. I'm also not into taking about clothes.
Yes, I have made simchos bH. I have gotten my wig and face done professionally, and spent time finding an appropriate gown and shoes. Put on jewelry. I do this because it's a simcha, and this is the generally accepted thing to do in my community. Not because I want to be noticed for my beauty.
I don't recall if anyone commented on my appearance, except maybe for my kids and husband. And maybe my parents. I can't recall.
I do not expect or want comments from the neighbors and general crowd.
People find plenty of ways to show their happiness about joining the simcha without talking about my appearance.
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Chayalle
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Tue, Oct 15 2024, 8:21 am
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So what community are you from OP? And your friend? Now I'm curious.
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amother
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Tue, Oct 15 2024, 8:29 am
| amother Holly wrote: | I don't think there's anything wrong with commenting on the looks of the baalas simcha, or anyone else for that matter, if thats what you want to do. But it's not something I do. Not as a shita- just because it's not my type. As people so often say here- "You do you."
I can be gracious and appropriate when greeting the baalas simcha without telling her that I think she looks awesome. Don't you know anyone who just isn't the type?
In fact I think it's rather odd to assert that one should feel obligated to comment on someone's looks just because she has put in so much effort to look pretty, and if you don't, you are committing some sort of social faux pas.
If you love how someone looks, and you are moved to tell them so, by all means, tell them.
But I would think she went through that effort so that she can feel good and look great at the simcha, not because she was fetching for compliments. I think its quite a stretch to say that all time and effort she went through to look a certain way earns her the compliments, like it's some tax you owe her.
People want to look good and appropriate and that is the goal in and of itself. Getting compliments is nice, but honestly meaningless if it's a social expectation. |
Yes, I can think of a few women who would not mention it.
Mostly older more choshuv people from the community (like the Rebetzin, elderly grandmother from the other side...). My age (and caliber) friends and probably all my relatives would add that I look beautiful when they greet me in addition to saying beautiful brachos.
People definitely don't dress up because they need or expects compliments. They dress up in honor of the simcha. They probably also don't take note of who does or doesn't compliment. Their minds are occupied with more important stuff.
Compliments are definitely not an obligation, we're just talking about "social norms" and I was trying to see if complimenting is community dependent.
But as you said, you do you. I don't think anyone is insulted if you don't compliment and they're just happy that you came to join their simcha.
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amother
Blue
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Tue, Oct 15 2024, 8:31 am
| amother Holly wrote: | I don't think there's anything wrong with commenting on the looks of the baalas simcha, or anyone else for that matter, if thats what you want to do. But it's not something I do. Not as a shita- just because it's not my type. As people so often say here- "You do you."
I can be gracious and appropriate when greeting the baalas simcha without telling her that I think she looks awesome. Don't you know anyone who just isn't the type?
In fact I think it's rather odd to assert that one should feel obligated to comment on someone's looks just because she has put in so much effort to look pretty, and if you don't, you are committing some sort of social faux pas.
If you love how someone looks, and you are moved to tell them so, by all means, tell them.
But I would think she went through that effort so that she can feel good and look great at the simcha, not because she was fetching for compliments. I think its quite a stretch to say that all time and effort she went through to look a certain way earns her the compliments, like it's some tax you owe her.
People want to look good and appropriate and that is the goal in and of itself. Getting compliments is nice, but honestly meaningless if it's a social expectation. |
“ but honestly meaningless if it's a social expectation.”
I agree.
I’m in Chasidish circles. I am yet to attend a Simcha where the baalas Simcha does not get complimented on how beautiful everyone looks.
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amother
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Tue, Oct 15 2024, 8:34 am
| Chayalle wrote: | | So what community are you from OP? And your friend? Now I'm curious. |
At this point in the poll I'll tell you (I didn't want to ruin it by saying it right away).
She's the first category, I'm the second.
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amother
Cyclamen
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Tue, Oct 15 2024, 8:37 am
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I think it’s mostly a personality thing. I don’t think it has much to do with your religious label. I had a very hard time complimenting ppl in general bc I grew up without it but it’s something I’m on working on so now I’m trying to do it more.
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amother
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Tue, Oct 15 2024, 8:44 am
| amother Cyclamen wrote: | | I think it’s mostly a personality thing. I don’t think it has much to do with your religious label. I had a very hard time complimenting ppl in general bc I grew up without it but it’s something I’m on working on so now I’m trying to do it more. |
Interesting point.
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amother
Chicory
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Tue, Oct 15 2024, 1:30 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | It actually doesn't bother me and I voted yes. Based on a conversation irl, I'm trying to see if people typically compliment others on their looks or dress and if it's community dependent. |
I voted no, jpf, but most people I know do compliment others on looks, it's just because of my personality that I don't.
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