Should I go to shul?

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Rosh Hashana-Yom Kippur

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amother

OP ↓

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 9:41 am

I don't have young kids at home anymore, everybody is away or going to be in shul. But after so many years of staying at home I really prefer to Daven alone, I dont like davening in shul. Anytime I have gone to shul I'm distracted by other people and smells and sometimes it's crowded, but I feel guilty not going especially tonight or at Neilah. I feel like my davening is very private and personal and I don't want to be inhibited by people around me but yet there are many things you can't say if you're not with a minyan and big moments like kol nidrei are not the same alone. What should I do? Is it important for me to go?

amother

Blonde

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 9:47 am

I'd say go atleast for kol nidrei and neila.
The rest is better with a minyan not needed though

sub ↓

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 9:59 am

I go for kol midrei, the beginning of musaf and neila
The חזרת השץ )shmone esrei) with a chazzan can be awe inspiring.

amother

Oxfordblue

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 10:12 am

I would as that to my rav, its such a valid q

↑ sub ↓

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 10:22 am

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

I would as that to my rav, its such a valid q

Why? There’s no chiyuv of davening with a minyan for women.

amother

Catmint

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 10:43 am

sub wrote:

Why? There’s no chiyuv of davening with a minyan for women.

It wouldn't be a halachik question, as you're correct in saying it's not an obligation for women. However, it's clearly stated in multiple ways and halachos that davening with a minyan is preferable, even for women. (There are many stories of rebbetzins who were makbid to daven with a minyan as much as possible.) If op asks her Rav, it would be a question of hashkafa and halachik preference, not obligation.

For what it's worth...
My teacher in high school compared it to watching sports on a large screen tv in the quiet of your own home, with zoom ins and replays and a better view vs being in the stadium and maybe not seeing as clearly but being moved by the energy of the crowd. (Shout out to Rabbi G in bais Yaakov Baltimore)

amother

DarkOrange

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 1:43 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

I would as that to my rav, its such a valid q

This isn't a halachic question or a question for a Rav. A women has no chiyuv to daven with minyan or at shul. It's a matter a preference.

simcha12plus

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 1:47 pm

a woman might not be part of the minyan, but she is part of the tzibur.
There is certainly an inyan of tefillah bitzibur.

amother

Vanilla

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 2:04 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

For what it's worth...
My teacher in high school compared it to watching sports on a large screen tv in the quiet of your own home, with zoom ins and replays and a better view vs being in the stadium and maybe not seeing as clearly but being moved by the energy of the crowd. (Shout out to Rabbi G in bais Yaakov Baltimore)

That's a great mashal, love it!

amother

Pistachio

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 2:28 pm

Kol nidrei starts before candlelighting? How do women handle that? It's a 20 minute walk to shul. How long is kol nidrei and maariv?

↑ sub

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 2:42 pm

amother Pistachio wrote:

Kol nidrei starts before candlelighting? How do women handle that? It's a 20 minute walk to shul. How long is kol nidrei and maariv?

I light early.

mommyhood

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 3:20 pm

amother Pistachio wrote:

Kol nidrei starts before candlelighting? How do women handle that? It's a 20 minute walk to shul. How long is kol nidrei and maariv?

You can light al tnei and drive or light regular and walk. There’s no problem lighting early as long as it’s after plag.
Kol nidrei is short then there’s a long break until maariv.

amother

Snow

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 3:38 pm

Kol nidrei is very short. In my shul it’s over in less than 15 minutes.
Go for that. It’s a good way to start the fast.
And you still feel good at that point.

Btw- I totally understand you about being more comfortable with davening at home.
Last year I went to shul for the first time in around 20 years. I was thinking that I really wanted to stay home but I couldn’t really justify it. Also I had to go for yizkor anyway.
So I went and it felt good once I was there.
I did leave in the middle of mussaf because I was feeling weak and hungry and I had been there since the morning.
I went back for mincha and neilah.

I think if you go you’ll feel good about it.

I get anxiety before I go. I’m a little overweight and I feel self conscious. I’m worried that I’m not dressed well… but it’s just anxiety. I’m sure I look fine.
I feel good when I go to shul because it’s the place to be on this important day.
It’s also a good example for my kids.

Go just for a little bit this year and maybe next year you’ll go for a little more.

It’s not the same davening at home.
You need a shaliach tzibur to take up those tefillos. At least I do… I have so much to daven for..

amother

Holly

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 3:41 pm

There are so many parts you miss if you don’t go to shul.
Maybe daven shachris at home and go for the part you only get to say in shul.

amother

DarkYellow

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 3:54 pm

I went to shul 2 years ago,on yom kippur for the first time is 14 years.
Yup my oldest was finally old enough to babysit an infant. And it felt amazing. I was uplifted all year from it.

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 4:53 pm

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate it! I ended up accidentally asking two rabbis because the first one didn't answer for a few hours so I figured he's not on his phone today and then asked another one. The one I asked second said it's important to go and I should try to go for at least some and then later the first Rabbi that I asked got back to me and said Kavana wins out!
So basically I'm still confused but I know that I get much more uplifted by being alone.
Gmar Chasima Tova to everyone! Wherever you are davening may it be good, uplifting and may everything be answered for the recognized good!

shabbatiscoming ↓

Sat, Oct 12 2024, 2:38 pm

amother Pistachio wrote:

Kol nidrei starts before candlelighting? How do women handle that? It's a 20 minute walk to shul. How long is kol nidrei and maariv?

Here candle lighting was at 5:51 and kol nidrei was at 6:00.
Never heard of it being beforecandle lighting.

amother

Glitter

Sat, Oct 12 2024, 2:45 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Here candle lighting was at 5:51 and kol nidrei was at 6:00.
Never heard of it being beforecandle lighting.

Do you live in Yerushalayim where candlelighting is 40 minutes before Shkia?
Where I live Neila is 10 minutes before candlelighting. I make sure to light early, which you are supposed to do Erev YK.

Elfrida

Sat, Oct 12 2024, 2:52 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

Do you live in Yerushalayim where candlelighting is 40 minutes before Shkia?
Where I live Neila is 10 minutes before candlelighting. I make sure to light early, which you are supposed to do Erev YK.

I live in Yerushalayim.
Candle lighting yesterday was 5:35
Kol Nidrei was 5:55, twenty minutes later.
Maariv was 6:40.

In between they sold the aliyahs for the next day, and had about ten minutes when nothing was happening and people could say Tehillim, or daven, or whatever they wanted.

Candle lighting is fixed.
Kol Nidrei needs to be before shkiyah, but there is some flexibility, and each shul decides when to start.

Last edited by Elfrida on Sat, Oct 12 2024, 3:07 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Celeste

Sat, Oct 12 2024, 3:00 pm

I have only teens. I hve not been toshul in years. I have not gone on YK in about a decade
I daven at home. Women dont have to daven in a minyan.

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