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-> Inquiries & Offers
-> Lakewood, Toms River & Jackson related Inquiries
amother
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 Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:22 pm
I am currently separated from my dh and we do not know if I will get a get anytime soon. He is diagnosed with various severe mental health disorders, and has supervised visitation.
He is not in Lakewood currently.
Considering that - here are the schools I have significant pull in.
Which one do you think I should put pressure on, I know that everyone will give us a hard time because of the situation.
Bais Faiga (probably new BF). I have the most pull here - very very significant. I am a little worried that New BF will be to small and insular ( we are pretty yeshvish, but I feel like more yeshivish = more judgmental) and being a smaller school dd, will have less chance of having open minded peers who will include her.
Bnos Yaakov - I went here and I have also very strong pull. Same yeshvishness issue for me, and I am afraid Mrs. Twersky will accept us as a "project" which was not a good thing to be in my day. I also felt like there was absolutely no space for individuality when I was there (if you pony was slightly different she was breathing down our backs), and that concerns me.
Bnos Esther Malka - I love Mrs. Schorr, she taught me in 8th grade. I have okish pull, but that plus the fact that I and all my sisters where students may give me a shot. Its a little more fancy then I am and I also worry about my daughter being ostracized by being different on to many fronts.
Bnos Bracha - really to modern for us, but I have strong pull, and I love the schools warmth. I also wonder if the modern part would mean more acceptance for divorce and more divorced families?
Nachlas - very string pull, know nothing about the school.
Open to any other suggestions
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amother
Lightpink
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:24 pm
How is bnos bracha too modern? BEM is even more left than it so can’t imagine it’s a good fit for you. If you are calling bnos bracha modern then Nachlas which is maybe a drop more to the right than bnos bracha is not a good fit either.
Sounds like bais faiga and bnos yaakov are the best choices for you.
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Chayalle
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:30 pm
I heard the new BF is impossible to get into - everyone wants it - and that there will be enough diversity there within the yeshivish spectrum. If you have strong pull there I'd say go for it. It will be a good school IYH. They do things well.
I think you should stop focusing on your situation to such a degree and look for a school that will work well for your child Hashkafically. No, you're not the only person in your situation on the planet. My girls went to BF and there were girls there from divorced homes - I'm thinking of one girl in particular, and she's quite well-liked, popular, etc....and I think the divorce thingy is a blip on the radar. Aim for that. Just send your child to a good fit/school.
With all the schools you mention, you say a bit fancy, a bit modern....well, what's important to you? What are your Hashkafos? I have a relative who is applying to school this year, and some of the schools you mention are not her first choice because her child doesn't have screentime on regular basis (not even tovideo, etc...) and she doesn't want that pressure. Do you? What are you comfortable with? I think these should be your biggest focus, not your family situation.
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amother
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:31 pm
| amother Lightpink wrote: | How is bnos bracha too modern? BEM is even more left than it so can’t imagine it’s a good fit for you. If you are calling bnos bracha modern then Nachlas which is maybe a drop more to the right than bnos bracha is not a good fit either.
Sounds like bais faiga and bnos yaakov are the best choices for you. |
I actually don't know much about either Bnos bracha or BEM - my pull in Bnos Bracha said that its not for me and its to modern. I think we fit better in BF and BY, but I feel a shift to slightly more open would be a good move, considering the divorce.
I have a text only phone, internet only at work, we don't do any media - but I don't especially think that I mind shifting on those things if it means my kids will have an easier time and be more accepted and have a positive view on yiddeshkeit.
For reference, if my ex would be in the picture it would be for sure the more yeshvish schools, but he says he doesnt care.
I really feel like the more yeshvish schools will be more picky about divorced families ( especially at the primary stage) and more judgy.....
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amother
Amaryllis
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:36 pm
First of all, it's amazing you have strong pull in so many places.
Second, if you are more Yeshivish, Bais Faiga is probably your best bet. The old Bais Faiga would be even better than the new, if you can get in.
If you are more open minded I think Bnos Bracha can be great. It's not modern at all, especially if you are considering BEM and Nachalas.
A lot of schools started applications already, FYI.
Hatzlacha!
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amother
Cyan
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:36 pm
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Even the most yeshivish schools in Lakewood are not judgey or weird about divorce. I speak from experience. They are, in fact, very supportive. I don't want to specify which schools I have experience with but my point is that divorce should not factor into your decision. You and your daughter will not be treated differently.
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amother
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:37 pm
| Chayalle wrote: | I heard the new BF is impossible to get into - everyone wants it - and that there will be enough diversity there within the yeshivish spectrum. If you have strong pull there I'd say go for it. It will be a good school IYH. They do things well.
I think you should stop focusing on your situation to such a degree and look for a school that will work well for your child Hashkafically. No, you're not the only person in your situation on the planet. My girls went to BF and there were girls there from divorced homes - I'm thinking of one girl in particular, and she's quite well-liked, popular, etc....and I think the divorce thingy is a blip on the radar. Aim for that. Just send your child to a good fit/school.
With all the schools you mention, you say a bit fancy, a bit modern....well, what's important to you? What are your Hashkafos? I have a relative who is applying to school this year, and some of the schools you mention are not her first choice because her child doesn't have screentime on regular basis (not even tovideo, etc...) and she doesn't want that pressure. Do you? What are you comfortable with? I think these should be your biggest focus, not your family situation. |
I actually feel like the opposite - my kids have so much to deal with, I want a place where they will feel accepted and normal.
I am willing to shift on things like screen time and even on the way my kids and I dress if it means they will be accepted. I am a bit older then your kids, went to Bnos Yaakov and Bais Yaakov and anyone who was different in any tiny way was so judged that I am really afraid that my kids will be "that kid"
I think your dd's went to BF and BK - those schools have a bit more diversity and acceptance.
Thats kind of why I lean BF - but I don't know if they have the warmth and care of some of the other places.
Its not just the divorce - there father will always be in there life and is a very unstable and unhealthy human being. There is now way of knowing what shenanigans he will be pulling thru the school career, and I am really afraid that Bnos Yaakov for example would make a dramatic situation 2,000 x worse....
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amother
Lightgreen
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:37 pm
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I would say apply to all wherever you get accepted that’s where Hashem is guiding you to go. They’re all great schools.
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amother
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:46 pm
| amother Lightgreen wrote: | | I would say apply to all wherever you get accepted that’s where Hashem is guiding you to go. They’re all great schools. |
Its a matter of who to ask to apply pressure.
I cant ask my pull relative to apply pressure and then after they nudge and pressure come back and say never mind I got into ____
I need to pick where and then apply the pressure.
I am ready for rejections because of our situation.....
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amother
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:49 pm
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I strongly believe that Bais Faiga with Mrs. Epstein is your best match. My daughter has 2 girls from divorced homes in her class and if you are worried about the effects on your kids Chas v’sholom or shenanigans on his part, the hanhala has seen it all and have helped children through everything in that school. They have the most resources and connections.
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amother
Cerise
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:57 pm
| amother Carnation wrote: | | I strongly believe that Bais Faiga with Mrs. Epstein is your best match. My daughter has 2 girls from divorced homes in her class and if you are worried about the effects on your kids Chas v’sholom or shenanigans on his part, the hanhala has seen it all and have helped children through everything in that school. They have the most resources and connections. |
This. I went to bais faiga as my parents were divorcing and it was fine
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amother
Saddlebrown
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:59 pm
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Bais faiga 100%. They have seen it all and there are plenty of “special situations” in the school. If they accept you they will be with you throughout and you need a school that will work with you and make accommodations as needed.
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amother
Magenta
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 3:06 pm
Wow I’m so happy for you that you have pull in such good schools.
Bais faiga the old one if you can get it in so diverse and has seen everything.
I hear Nachlas is very warm.
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amother
Scarlet
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 3:07 pm
From the way you described yourself , I think nachlas Bem and bnos bracha sound more to the left. I think bais Faiga and bnos Yaakov are the best options. I think bnos Yaakov is better bec it’s more established, not an all young parent body like the new bais Faiga. The ppl I know that send are very happy there and it is not all one type.
Editing to add that if you can get into the old bais Faiga, that is for the best option
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Chayalle
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 3:21 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I actually feel like the opposite - my kids have so much to deal with, I want a place where they will feel accepted and normal.
I am willing to shift on things like screen time and even on the way my kids and I dress if it means they will be accepted. I am a bit older then your kids, went to Bnos Yaakov and Bais Yaakov and anyone who was different in any tiny way was so judged that I am really afraid that my kids will be "that kid"
I think your dd's went to BF and BK - those schools have a bit more diversity and acceptance.
Thats kind of why I lean BF - but I don't know if they have the warmth and care of some of the other places.
Its not just the divorce - there father will always be in there life and is a very unstable and unhealthy human being. There is now way of knowing what shenanigans he will be pulling thru the school career, and I am really afraid that Bnos Yaakov for example would make a dramatic situation 2,000 x worse.... |
I feel bad saying this because you are dealing with so much already.....it's on the one hand good that you are flexible, but OTOH you need to be the stable presence in your kids' life, and it might be better for them if you were a bit stronger on where you stand hashkafically and stick to it. (Don't worry, every parent ends up having to shift somewhat, especially when the child's needs need to be met.) And getting into school, knowing yourself and having a direction will put you in a better place.
Yes, it makes sense that you want a warm school and acceptance for your child, but that should not be your only focus. You want to give your kids a backbone too.
Yes, BF has a bit more diversity and acceptance, but at the same time it IS very big (my girls marvel at the girls who went to Bnos Yaakov and the connection they have to their principal and teachers) but the new BF may be smaller, so maybe more warmth? It's a good thing to find out. It may have "alleh maalos" then.
As you say, the road ahead is uncertain for you, and that's why a school with experience and backbone is important. A place with good sechel. The new BF is building on years of experience, so it's a great choice.
What your other choices should be depends on who you are and where you are heading. It's something to think about.
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Chayalle
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 3:24 pm
| amother Carnation wrote: | | I strongly believe that Bais Faiga with Mrs. Epstein is your best match. My daughter has 2 girls from divorced homes in her class and if you are worried about the effects on your kids Chas v’sholom or shenanigans on his part, the hanhala has seen it all and have helped children through everything in that school. They have the most resources and connections. |
I agree with this, if the old BF is an option you should grab it. They have seen everything, nothing is new to them. And my personal experience with them is, they don't make mountains out of molehills.
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amother
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 4:23 pm
| Chayalle wrote: | I feel bad saying this because you are dealing with so much already.....it's on the one hand good that you are flexible, but OTOH you need to be the stable presence in your kids' life, and it might be better for them if you were a bit stronger on where you stand hashkafically and stick to it. (Don't worry, every parent ends up having to shift somewhat, especially when the child's needs need to be met.) And getting into school, knowing yourself and having a direction will put you in a better place.
Yes, it makes sense that you want a warm school and acceptance for your child, but that should not be your only focus. You want to give your kids a backbone too.
Yes, BF has a bit more diversity and acceptance, but at the same time it IS very big (my girls marvel at the girls who went to Bnos Yaakov and the connection they have to their principal and teachers) but the new BF may be smaller, so maybe more warmth? It's a good thing to find out. It may have "alleh maalos" then.
As you say, the road ahead is uncertain for you, and that's why a school with experience and backbone is important. A place with good sechel. The new BF is building on years of experience, so it's a great choice.
What your other choices should be depends on who you are and where you are heading. It's something to think about. |
Lol - I have a very strong backbone. All the rabbanim and therapist involved so far keep telling me that. I am a very strong stable presence in there life, and I do not bend one iota on values and principals that actually matter.
I just don't think that the slight hashkafic nuances between Lakewood schools ( not referring to the real modern Toms river crowd, the mainstream ones) - a bit more media, a bit less media a bit more into gashmyus and a bit less are not what is important in the scheme of life, despite what I was taught in Bais Yaakov of Lakewood .
We did a stint in an OOT community - and let me tell you the difference hashkafically in the Bais Yaakov I taught in where so much larger then the ones you will get in any Lakewood school, and the girls did not come out any weaker then the Lakewood ones, if anything the opposite.
On the other hand - I went to Bais Yaakov of Lakewood and I have seen first hand how being rejected and othered and considered strange and "different" for not fitting into the exact mold for literal silliness, can destroy a kid. I will do everything in my power to help my kids thru the complex situation, but if I can avoid that and find a place with a bit more diversity and acceptance, I will go for that.
Besides, my kids will probably end up more exposed then in my dream world, because my ex is a flip out and right now is going thru a "not sure I want to be frum anymore stage" after his "Rav Uri Duetsch is not frum enough for me stage" and I have no control over what he would expose them to.
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mha3484
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 4:24 pm
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I cant offer you suggestions but one thing that I think is worth thinking about is that when your dealing with a complicated life situation that affects your kids, and there are 100 of them its not only divorce, there is a real benefit in picking a school that has mature teachers and administrators that have seen a bit more of the world vs one that hires lot of young more sheltered or naive teachers that have preconceived ideas of what a family should look like. It can really reduce a lot of hurt feelings when they have teachers who have that sensitivity.
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amother
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 4:29 pm
| mha3484 wrote: | | I cant offer you suggestions but one thing that I think is worth thinking about is that when your dealing with a complicated life situation that affects your kids, and there are 100 of them its not only divorce, there is a real benefit in picking a school that has mature teachers and administrators that have seen a bit more of the world vs one that hires lot of young more sheltered or naive teachers that have preconceived ideas of what a family should look like. It can really reduce a lot of hurt feelings when they have teachers who have that sensitivity. |
Yes, this is very important to me, even more then having the crowd accepting.
I am nervous about New BF because of this - is it too new and unexperienced, despite bouncing off old BF?
On the other hand I went to Bnos Yaakov and the definitely make mountains out of molehills and tend to get involved and make situations worse. Its a really great great school for the typical family, I just am unsure if it is a good fit for us.
Where would Bnos Bracha, Nachlas, or BEM fit in this regard?
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amother
Bone
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Wed, Oct 09 2024, 4:30 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I actually don't know much about either Bnos bracha or BEM - my pull in Bnos Bracha said that its not for me and its to modern. I think we fit better in BF and BY, but I feel a shift to slightly more open would be a good move, considering the divorce.
I have a text only phone, internet only at work, we don't do any media - but I don't especially think that I mind shifting on those things if it means my kids will have an easier time and be more accepted and have a positive view on yiddeshkeit.
For reference, if my ex would be in the picture it would be for sure the more yeshvish schools, but he says he doesnt care.
I really feel like the more yeshvish schools will be more picky about divorced families ( especially at the primary stage) and more judgy..... |
I don’t think that is true of the school that you listed.
I know many pple who are divorces and send to BF and Bnos Yaakov.
I disagree that the slightly less yeshivish will be more open becouse of the divorce
You also aren’t choosing the most yeshivish schools in Lakewood
Bf is a huge mix of families
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