15 yr old son wants a smartphone

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 11:08 pm

He is begging me for one and I dont want him to have one.
He told me that he will pay for it himself and will pay for the service.
I really dont want him to have one.
We have been fighting over this for so long I am getting so tired from it.
I say no he says he will buy it and pay for it with his own money.
I just dont know what to do.
Even filtered I dont want the concept of a smartphone to be in his head.

amother

Cerise ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 11:22 pm

I didn't understand why our bais yaakov forces parents to by flip phones, talk only for our 9th and 10th graders (can upgrade to talk and text for 11th grade). Now I get it. They claimed the kids would just want smartphones and buy them on their own. I couldn't imagine.

At least he's coming to you. See If you can get him a kosher phone.

amother

Forsythia

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 11:36 pm

Smartphones are awful for teens.
Having said that.
BELIEVE ME that a fully monitored (not just filtered, but monitored by a basic filtering company that sends you detailed reports on everything the phone accessed, as well as parents being able to here and there skim through the phone as agreed upon beforehand) smartphone is WAAY SAFER than even the most kosher fliphone that you cant monitor and the kid has total privacy over.
Hands down; every time, a filtered and monitored smartphone is better. The world that opens to a child when they have a private phone is insane

amother

Khaki ↓

Tue, Oct 08 2024, 12:25 am

We got my son an iPad so that it’s limited only uses at night at home
Also in Lakewood TAG has a division called Meshor and they speak with the teens and they figure out with them what apps they want or really need or don’t
That way it’s not a power struggle with the parents
If you don’t work with him, it’s so easy to go to any CVS and buy a cheap prepaid smartphone and then you have no control and much harder to then get them to filter it
We learned the hard way with a diff kid

amother

↑ Cerise

Tue, Oct 08 2024, 12:31 am

amother Forsythia wrote:

What exactly is a kid going to do on a kosher phone from a Jewish company that can't connect to the Internet and can't even text? Call zex lines? Do they still even exist? There's a difference between a flip phone and one of these Jewish brand kosher phones.

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Oct 08 2024, 1:06 am

He wants to play games with his friends.
He said that he wants youtube but will filter it and waze so when he is out he will have something for directions.
I dont know Im just not comfortable with it all.
But I am afraid he will just get one of his friends to buy him one then I wont know about it and he wont filter it.
I am just so unhappy that he wants a smartphone but yet again the whole family has one but its for work purposes but he doesnt see that.

amother

Crystal ↓

Tue, Oct 08 2024, 2:22 am

I have many teens. Your hunch is correct. Smartphones for a 15 yr old boy is not a good idea at all! There may be many reasons he wants it badly, but they are all not good.
I would stick to your values about it. If he decides to go and get one on his own that's between him and Hashem, but a parent doesn't have to be an enabler. , even if he threatens, you can say very calmly that you want what is best for him because you love him, and you know as an adult that it's not for his best at this age....
Keep davening for him!
Hatzlacha! It's not easy. Been there!!

amother

↑ Khaki

Tue, Oct 08 2024, 5:59 am

It makes no sense the people that say to just so no
Try to come up with diff options
iPad, limit what apps
Now is when your son is coming to you after that it will be too late
No it’s not just between him and G-d
When you see can’t be unseen
Why would you let he knowing get an unfiltered device
It’s like sticking your head in the ground
No I’m not some modern lady
I’m from Lakewood and had 2 boys that struggled on their journey in life
BH they are both in a good place right now

My second son I went to Mishor(tag) and got him a filtered phone when he graduated he gave it up for a flip phone/and got a iPad and a few months later decided to got rid of the iPad and now only has a flip phone

My next son 15 asked for an iPad for a while
He’s in a yeshiva that many families do apparently (yea mainstream yeshiva)
I delayed it as much as I can
But I’d rather him come to me than go behind my back and have no idea what he’s doing
He has only specific apps that he requested
Games, sports
And has time limit

Please speak to someone that deals with teens
Call mishor

https://www.mishor.org/

amother

Hibiscus

Tue, Oct 08 2024, 7:36 am

amother Crystal wrote:

Wrong answer. When a teen buys themselves a phone, they don't care anything about Hashem. You need to get your head out of the sand.

OP, very good he came to you. That means he will still listen to you. Work with him and figure out what works and what not. Once he gets one by himself without telling you, then you're in trouble. Been there done that.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Oct 08 2024, 7:41 am

amother OP wrote:

That's your answer. Either you buy it or his friends will. I vote buy a smartphone you can live with.

He wants one. The whole family has for work purposes. Why can't he have if it is kosher enough for you?

Buy it. Buy the simplest one you can get that will pose the least risk.

Try to explain that games and YouTube are completely separate, you will buy the smartphone and he doesn't have to pay for it but you can't promise YouTube, though you can promise games and waze.

If he has the bling and most of what he wants he may leave the YouTube issue aside.

If you push too hard because this is the derech you risk him dumping the derech. There are many frum Jews with smartphones, you yourself are one, so being frum isn't a reason to say no. Choose your battles wisely.

amother

↑ Crystal

Tue, Oct 08 2024, 8:44 am

amother Khaki wrote:

That's great that it worked for you. However,
I know many many teens that get around their filtered smartphone and ipads faster than you can imagine. What exactly does a 15 yr old teenage boy want a smartphone for? Better picture taking?
OP, best to ask daas Torah as you will see many different views on this.

amother

Myrtle

Tue, Oct 08 2024, 9:36 am

You're definitely between a rock and a hard place, and I think you should speak to someone irl to weigh your options. That said, I don't think "he might get one anyway" is reason to just throw your hands up and cave if this is really important. Something the principal of my school said at the start of this year really struck me. Some new rules were added, the parents were informed at the end of last year that this was happening. I'm being vague because what the specific rules are is not the point. There was one thing that was a bit controversial and that the principal went back and forth about whether or not to add it. The issue was not the rule itself, which is reasonable, but the fact that this particular rule is, for various reasons, not really practically possible to enforce. It really relies on an honor system. The principal was really on the fence, is it even worth it to try if there's no practical way to be on top of it? Ultimately he decided to go ahead and make the rule, because even if we can't enforce it, and for sure some kids will break it just because they can, having the rule in the first place sends a message: this matter is important. It's important enough that we decided to take a stand on it. Will some people just say oh well, I'm gonna do it anyway and no one will know? Yes. But will some people say hmmm, this clearly matters, maybe I shouldn't? Also yes. And for that, it's worth it. I think if you can have a conversation about values here, it might be productive. It might still not work. But it might give him pause. It's worth a shot if this is truly important.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Oct 08 2024, 10:49 am

Def if you think he will buy you buy it.
if he buys it it's his.
if you buy it for him you still have some control
I would make a list with him before of apps he's allowed....say 3 games, weather app, Waze, Spotify or some music access, etc
I would not allow YouTube
tell him when he's older.
and obv you lock the phone down
I would also make him agree to let you lock the phone down at 9pm or whatever time is reasonable or charge it downstairs at 9pm....
ps there are healthy apps that help the kids with goals and I've found those really good for the teens....helps them see how to use fone in a good way