DH invited guest | Imamother

↑ imaima ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 1:14 pm

Also can we get that straight?
When young couples get upset that their parents don’t host them, everyone jumps on them that they are grown up and noone is obligated to host them and their parents are off the hook.

When it’s the opposite, then suddenly couples are obligated to host their fully able parents and single siblings because it’s kibbud horim. Parents are also grown up and usually have decades before they are truly incapable of taking care of themselves.
Last time I checked, kibud horim didn’t mean always saying yes to your parents to the detriment of your own children and health.

If children are supposed to go beyond Halacha for parents, parents can just as well go beyond for children

amother

Cyan

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 1:28 pm

Omg as a boy mom this is so scary.
I hope my daughters in laws will be gracious and mentally healthy. (And that my sons know how to help out and be good husbands)

amother

↑ Carnation

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 1:39 pm

amother Cyan wrote:

Omg as a boy mom this is so scary.
I hope my daughters in laws will be gracious and mentally healthy. (And that my sons know how to help out and be good husbands)

Take off the parenthesis...
You should hope for your son's to not be a jerk, before you hope for gracious daughters in law.

abound

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 2:50 pm

if your inlaws are really nice, and only u know if its a good idea....tell them why, tell them ur dh refuses to help etc. Maybe they can force him to go for help so he can be a better person.

amother

↑ Waterlily

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:13 pm

imaima wrote:

That's kind of how it works. At least the way I was raised. Parents raise children to be independent adults and children go out of their way to help and take care of their parents also known as kibbud horim. Abusive or extenuating circumstances are exceptions.

lamplighter

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:20 pm

Will your in laws help while they are there? Can you call them back and say that you have so much going on and the baby is not giving you a break, that you want their company but really need the help more than anything, would they actually be a help?
If they saw your husband sitting like a king would they say something to him?
I'm sorry it sounds like you have a lot more going on than this invitation issue.

↑ imaima ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:31 pm

amother Waterlily wrote:

But is it the expectation or a natural pull from both sides?
Also, do parents actually see to it that children are independent or do their expect independence just because kids reached certain age or got married?

Because I understand it when people raise their kids secular style but also let their kids do their thing, date and marry later etc.

I also understand when parents raise their kids frum style, give boys limited education, expect them to marry young and have babies early, but also host them and support them for a while afterwards, slowly cutting apron strings. That’s fair.

I don’t understand when parents raise their kids frum style but have expectations of non-frum people and drop all support early but also expect help from them.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:42 pm

amother Cyan wrote:

Omg as a boy mom this is so scary.
I hope my daughters in laws will be gracious and mentally healthy. (And that my sons know how to help out and be good husbands)

thanks for the compliment

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:42 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

Take off the parenthesis...
You should hope for your son's to not be a jerk, before you hope for gracious daughters in law.

good one. im so lost, I feel stepped on
dont know where to turn

amother

↑ Amethyst ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:43 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

Calling out wrong behavior/ bad middos is not judgemental. This is a great learning experience. Learn from it.

Then it was ok to tell OP she was wrong, because generally it is bad middos to disinvite someone. Given what she said later I understand why she felt she had to disinvite but based on the information in the OP it was rude. OP what did your MIL say?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:45 pm

abound wrote:

if your inlaws are really nice, and only u know if its a good idea....tell them why, tell them ur dh refuses to help etc. Maybe they can force him to go for help so he can be a better person.

I dont want to give them extra agmas nefesh. hes really ok in all other aspects. its the emotional part that he lacks many times. understanding my feelings or needs.
I said s/t on yt that my dh took on a new side job where he will need to deal with many ppl in person. I told mil that im extremely happy about it, not for the money, just because he will suddenly be open minded what it means to communicate and deal with ppl nicely.
she was ever so shocked.

amother

↑ Lightblue

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

good one. im so lost, I feel stepped on
dont know where to turn

The thing is, this thread isn't really about having your in laws for a meal. It's about your shalom bayis. You need some more help to figure things out.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:46 pm

lamplighter wrote:

I dont want to host them in my current situation. I cannot.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:47 pm

amother Lightblue wrote:

The thing is, this thread isn't really about having your in laws for a meal. It's about your shalom bayis. You need some more help to figure things out.

true true...

amother

Alyssum

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:59 pm

Wouldn’t they be an extra pair of hands if you host them. Would you get more help that day if you hosted vs if you didn’t have them? Meaning if it was just you and your family, everything would be on you it sounds like? And if they came, wouldn’t they help entertain the kids etc the baby.

↑ imaima ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 4:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

good one. im so lost, I feel stepped on
dont know where to turn

So sorry to hear that.
Now that you have grown a backbone, maybe you can also back out of the chol hamoed trip.

amother

↑ Amethyst

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 5:34 pm

imaima wrote:

We already expect parents to host their adult children to sleep over for every chag for the first 10-15-20 years. By the way plenty of parents have a husband who expects to sit like a king.

↑ imaima

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 5:52 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

We already expect parents to host their adult children to sleep over for every chag for the first 10-15-20 years. By the way plenty of parents have a husband who expects to sit like a king.

Yes that’s another angle

amother

Ginger

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 6:31 pm

OP, sorry your DH is so unhelpful. It seems to me like you uninvited them to teach him a lesson, am I right? I understand how challenging your situation is, but I still think you would have found a way to make it work if you really wanted to. (Ask the in-laws to hold the baby, etc.). I think you don't want to because why should you if your DH won't lift a finger. And I actually can't blame you for uninviting them for that reason, even if it stems from resentment.