How to react - dilemma

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 12:16 am

What is the correct way to react when kids complain about something DH did that feels wrong to me? e.g. he said something out of line/hurtful, or didn't take their needs into consideration.

amother

Holly

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 12:30 am

I would empathize a lot.
Don't agree with dad or his actions.
I would ask them how you can help or what you can do. Explain you can't contradict dad (if they asked him for something and he said no) but if there is something else you can do.

It would help if you were more specific... it also depends on ages of the kids.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 12:34 am

Thanks. Provided a couple examples above (it's not about permission). Kids are teens.

amother

Razzmatazz

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 3:32 am

amother OP wrote:

Anyone been in this situation and can share advice?

I was in this situation and regret not doing more to protect them or at the very least validate them that what happened wasn’t okay and I’m sorry they went through it.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 9:55 am

Kids unleash their frustration on me and I definitely emphasise and validate but I don't want it to seem like I'm belittling DH. They're not in any form of danger b"H.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 9:56 am

Basically, DH is a people pleaser who sometimes does things that inconvenience the children, to help other people, and the children get very upset.

amother

Bluebell ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 9:57 am

BTDT it's very tough.
It's a fine line to walk between belittling his authority and standing up for them.
Is your husband open to a 3 way conversation? I've sat down with him and the kid and said soandso feels that today when you did xyz it made him feel abc. Can we agree that that won't happen again?

amother

Calendula ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 9:58 am

This is something you need to speak to your husband about. If it’s hurting the kids he needs to change and you need to make it clear that it’s not acceptable for him to treat them that way.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 9:59 am

The thing is, often he doesn't see why there was anything wrong with the way he handled a given situation. Other times he apologizes profusely, but the kids don't buy into it anymore as they know it will happen again.

amother

Latte

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:06 am

I've discussed this with my therapist how I felt torn because I didn't want to contradict my husband but also wanted to validate my kid. She basically said it's not my job to protect my husband to my kids and if he was wrong to them and they were very hurt then it's important to validate that to them and show them that I see their pain.

amother

↑ Calendula ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:08 am

amother OP wrote:

Sounds like he can use therapy. Such men ruin their relationships with their kids permanently and he might want to repair this dynamic before it’s too late.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 2:02 pm

He's a generally good parent who has a good relationship with the children.
Therapy won't happen.

BmoreBubby

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 2:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

What is the correct way to react when kids complain about something DH did that feels wrong to me? e.g. he said something out of line/hurtful, or didn't take their needs into consideration.

Depends on the age of the children. Best is to give them a suggestion of what they can say to their father to express their feelings respectfully.

amother

Wine

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 2:42 pm

BmoreBubby wrote:

Depends on the age of the children. Best is to give them a suggestion of what they can say to their father to express their feelings respectfully.

Sound advice

amother

NeonPurple

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 2:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

Of course he didn't see anything wrong with what he did. Some men are so frustrating. Banging head

amother

↑ Calendula

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 2:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

He's a generally good parent who has a good relationship with the children.
Therapy won't happen.

If he's generally a good parent then he should be open to improving in this area.

amother

↑ Bluebell

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 2:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

Basically, DH is a people pleaser who sometimes does things that inconvenience the children, to help other people, and the children get very upset.

I honestly think you should call a family meeting and discuss boundaries. Set clear boundaries in place, have a platform for the kids to express their frustration in a respectful way and write down the boundaries you decide on.
Then if your husband oversteps, the kids can come and say what happened and you can agree, this crossed a boundary, I'll speak to him.