Not invited to my brother's Shabbos Sheva berochos...

slushiemom

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 5:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm trying to say that the kalla's side can't be that poor. They can spend their money how they want. And I can be upset, and feel like they should invite us
siblings to at least one of the Shabbos Sheva berochos meals.

This is a choice

You can be excited to enjoy every minute of the Simcha that you're meant to be at, or you can focus on the one part that's not for you this time, for reasons out of your control.

The only person who suffers by choosing to be upset is you. Try to let it go, and take control of your own reaction to the situation, which is the only thing you can control.

Shana Tova!

amother

PlumPink

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 8:29 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Well if it was my mother she’d say too bad- my kids come before aunts. This actually happened with my sister. We were of course invited but not put up- this was out of town- and we’d have no place to stay. My mother worked it out with my sisters MIL in the end and it was beautiful.

I get your English and your mum would just rather wrong her hands silently though then dare cause a stir..

If you're correct that she's English then posters should really stop with the refrain that if they weren't invited to aufruf why should they invite to sheva brochos.

It's really not a thing here at all (at least not in litvish circles) for mechutanim to go to any aufruf meals. But siblings to sheva brochos, yes that's expected.

I agree OP should be dan l'kaf zechus and be the bigger person here. But it's not true that it's her side also not doing the norm.

mommy3b2c

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 8:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

I hear you but the kalla is the oldest of 6 knH.
So from their side they're max 11 with grandparents. So that's without the aunts and their children. They have quite a big house actually but that's not my business plus it's the food, I get it. I'm just surprised and upset that they're not making at least one in a hall, or something bigger to invite us to one of the meals. It's the norm in my family, and with it being my last sibling to get married I'm pretty shocked and upset by it. I'm not going to make a scene don't worry. I'm just venting here, and wondering if that's normal.

I guess I'm in the minority here that thinks it's not normal.

I agree with you . It’s not normal . Things like this aren’t done in my world .

kenz

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 9:22 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I agree with you . It’s not normal . Things like this aren’t done in my world .

Same. I hope you can enjoy the simcha regardless OP, but I agree that they are cutting the wrong corners here, to butcher an idiom.

amother

Blueberry ↓

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 9:32 pm

2429 wrote:

I disagree with this.
My brother is having an afruf the week after sukkos
My aunts are helping with the cooking ( we all help each other with simchos)
They are not coming since there isn’t room.
When we help relatives we don’t get rights because we helped. Even if they cooked the family should have invited Chosson siblings first.
I have helped cook for so many simchos I wasn’t invited. I have set up for many simchos I wasn’t invited.
This is a very transactional and non family way to behave.

This.
First the “social norms”should be invited. If people helped doesn’t grant them an invite especially with their kids.
If I send dinner to a new mom. I don’t join for the meal.
(If they feel obligated to invite those that helped they should invite them after the chossons siblings)

amother

↑ Blueberry

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 9:34 pm

amother Blueberry wrote:

They can also choose to invite the siblings without their kids and then the chossons siblings without kids and then the siblings have an option to decline the invitation or go only 1 meal, 1 spouse etc…
Although I would think that wouldn’t be nice if they are inviting the aunts kids but that would still be considered in the “normal way of doing things”
At least in my circles…

amother

Snowdrop

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 11:51 pm

Maybe this was already mentioned.
OP I agree that it's a weird thing not tp invite siblings to shabbos.
But if they are not going to invite, Would your family offer to pay the difference so that you could come to the meals?

amother

↑ Seagreen

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 12:49 am

How do you know you’re not invited? Maybe they didn't call you yet? Just seems really odd. I would think your brother would be really upset as well. This is definitely not done in litvish circles. Sounds like they are just plain clueless. Someone should tell them…

flowerpower

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 1:26 am

In my circles the chossons siblings are invited to both shabbos sheva brachos meals. I can totally see why you are upset about it. Hopefully you’ll end up being invited. Mazel tov on the big simcha!

amother

Dustypink

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:06 am

For all the talk of social norms, I know MANY families where the Kallah's side makes the Shabbos Sheva Brachos and invites whomever they want from their side, but only the Chosson's parents & single siblings NOT married siblings (& certainly not their children).
This is quite accepted.
The reverse is true for the Aufruf Shabbos.

(Perhaps if we all lived within our means there would be a lot less stress about making Simchos.)

↑ octopus

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:22 am

Why on earth would anyone encourage op to say anything? Why should op , a sibling, start up with someone else's in-law family to make possible fights or bad feelings?

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:24 am

octopus wrote:

Why on earth would anyone encourage op to say anything? Why should op , a sibling, start up with someone else's in-law family to make possible fights or bad feelings?

Don't worry I'm not saying a thing! I only voiced my disappointment to my mother. And on here.

lamplighter

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 11:25 am

OP, I totally get why you're upset. It's upsetting especially since this isn't an expectation you had. In your circles your expectation was valid and this is upsetting.

Where you are not getting sympathy is your tirades around how much they should spend, could spend, have to spend and what extremes they should go to in order to spend and invite you.

Many years ago, I learned the hard fast rule, you don't get to decide how other people spend their money. When it's your money, you decide.

This does seem to be about money so if you are able to reframe it as just a financial consideration it may be easier to stomach than feeling like it is personal against you or your family.

amother

↑ Begonia

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 1:43 pm

I'm english and the aufruf sounds quite normal for a lot of people I know. It really isn't a big deal and it's not expected for the other side to always attend. Often the parents will go and say mazel tov, but only if they're local.
I hear it's typical for the siblings to be invited to shabbos sheva brochos, but it's also not unheard of for siblings not to be. And tbh when op said small family, I thought more like one or two siblings with maybe 5 children between them. 25 people is a lot. I can understand someone saying they won't be able to manage that extra amount of people.
I think some of the resentment sounds like it's stemming from op wanting to have an easy shabbos, especially if she's making a sheva brochos the next day.

dilego

Sat, Oct 12 2024, 9:14 pm

I dont know but here in eretz yisroel and chareidi circles its the norm that chosson and kalla siblings to be invited shabbes sheva broches. But to each its own. I would ve very upset if not. I would go over after the meal at home. So that your mother has company.