Not invited to my brother's Shabbos Sheva berochos...

amother

DarkKhaki ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:35 pm

I think you should try very hard to let it go, as it's the Yom Hadin and we need zechusim. I also think you should drop in for dessert. After all, it's just around the corner. Decide you will drop in and you will act as pleasant as possible while you're there, and try not to think about it any more.
🫂 You can do this.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:37 pm

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

That's if I'm invited for dessert. I'd never go uninvited! And to those that said they know of people taking kids when they weren't invited, I've never heard of such a thing. I'd never do that.

amother

↑ DarkKhaki

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's if I'm invited for dessert. I'd never go uninvited! And to those that said they know of people taking kids when they weren't invited, I've never heard of such a thing. I'd never do that.

I don't think you need to be invited for dessert. You can tell your brother that you will be dropping in. You don't have to bring the kids along, and probably shouldn't.

amother

↑ Midnight

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

I didn't say that the kalla's side are poor, they can't afford to do 2 big meals in a hall. Doesn't mean that they're struggling financially. Afterall they're also making a wedding!
They chose this much more expensive hall for the wedding. Everything costs much more for both them and my parents as everyone is adding on much more to the cost of everything because it's not a local hall. My parents are going along with what they want.

I wonder if we'll be invited to any that their side are making. The only other one is the first one being made by these said aunts! 😭 I'll also be upset if we don't get invited to that first one.
It's a weekday so it would be without the kids.

Again stop cheshboning their side! Look for the good in people you'll be a much happier person

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:50 pm

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

I don't think you need to be invited for dessert. You can tell your brother that you will be dropping in. You don't have to bring the kids along, and probably shouldn't.

I wouldn't feel comfortable unless I get a formal invite from the mother of the kalla.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:52 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

Again stop cheshboning their side! Look for the good in people you'll be a much happier person

I'm trying to say that the kalla's side can't be that poor. They can spend their money how they want. And I can be upset, and feel like they should invite us siblings to at least one of the Shabbos Sheva berochos meals.

amother

Purple

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 1:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

It's not about being worth it. It's about the done thing.

No such thing as DONE THING anymore.
Every one of my kids had something that was different than what we thought is the norm. We learned that it’s best to step back and let the baalei hasimcha do what they need or want to have Shalom.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 1:17 pm

amother Purple wrote:

Yes ok you're right.
Have a good yom tov everyone and a Kesiva v'chasima Tovah.

sub ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 1:24 pm

amother OP wrote:

I wouldn't feel comfortable unless I get a formal invite from the mother of the kalla.

No need for formal invitation. I have walked over Friday night or Shabbos day after my meal to say mazal tov. I did not go for food. You pop in for the end, for bentching, say mazal tov and leave.
I do understand your hurt, but you are making it about you and what you think should be done. Have you started making your own simchos yet?

↑ Chayalle

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 4:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Just FYI, the cost of Shabbos Sheva Brachos often comes close to the cost of the wedding. You don't have to be poor to struggle with the expense of marrying off a daughter. Often the Kallah's side is expected to pay more for the wedding itself, the setup of the new home, and Shabbos Sheva Brachos on top of that. Plus it sounds like the choice of venue here (more expensive hall for the wedding) may be what the Chosson/Kallah want. So the parents are trying to make it work.
It's not what I would choose to do personally, but everyone has different needs and wants.

coloredleaves

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 4:39 pm

Maybe your mom can offer to chip in for extra dessert (not that it will cost much but to be nice) and ask if siblings can stop in at dessert to wish Mazel Tov and be included that way- in a Low cost and less space type go way. She can suggest that extra seats be put out even if not at the table- just some extra seats at dessert even if not directly at the table - just to add to the festivity.

Orangehead

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 5:23 pm

I come from a family with very little money. We are a big family.
Bh all my siblings are married. We were always invited to every single Shabbos Sheva brochos and we always invited the other side when we made them. Whoever’s wanted to come from the other sides came. We made it work!!!!!
If there is room in the heart, there is room in the home.
same thing with my in laws family.

I would be very weirded out if I wasn’t not invited!!!!

And I have been to over 15 siblings Shabbos Sheva brochos!!

↑ doodlesmom

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 5:29 pm

Op again, I feel bad!
Many unconventional things going on here from what I’m used to.
Small wedding with only 125 couples and only if you’re invited to the whole wedding….
Mom paying for part of aunts sheva brochos for people disinvited to wedding…..
No inviting in laws from the same location to aufruf Friday night meal…(day meals are sometimes optional if they’re local)
No women’s kiddush for aufruf….(never heard)
No inviting siblings to sheva brochos and yes aunts ( never heard)

And yet you’re expected to cook up a sheva brochos as usual, without a break! But be the bigger person! And enjoy whatever you can!

Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 1:03 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

Sorry op they sound legit they can't afford don't have space for you. The bolded is very unusual the boys side usually does the aufruf and girls Shabbos Sheva brachos. It's not unusual that siblings are not invited. Don't create machlokes here.

Depends in which circles. Litvish chareidim in Israel have long ago abolished the whole balagan of kiddush at aufruf (there is only aliyat Torah) and both sides share the cost of Shabbos sheva brachot 50/50. All in order to cut costs.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 1:24 pm

amother Mustard wrote:

Good for the other side for staying within their budget. Would it be better they collect charity so you can be invited?

This is a question I would like OP to please answer. An honest answer yes or no will do.

↑ Bnei Berak 10

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 1:36 pm

Simple1 wrote:

I didn’t read the whole thread but I would make cheaper food etc rather and include those who want to participate. This might be cultural and that is how are family does it.

We’ll whether or not they’re in the right, I feel for you OP. Being left out in a small family doesn’t feel so good.

A family of five kids isn't really small. Cheaper food? Even the most basic chicken is expensive.

amother

Beige

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 1:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

No of course not but to have the aunts, uncles, niece's and nephews for BOTH meals and us siblings for non at all isn't really acceptable in my opinion.. You make it work. This isn't the norm in my community. She's their only daughter so yes you go into debt if you have to, to keep up with the norms. And if we came from out of town and didn't have where to eat , then yes they would need to accommodate whatever that looks like. Being squashed or them hiring a hall and going into debt. We're all going to get our turns iyH.

OP, with all due respect but you need please stop being the accountant of expenses of your brothers wedding hall and shed a brachot. It's not your business to do a cheshbon what other people's don't end do spend on.
It would do you good to please cut out the word "the done thing". Who's norms?!
It's crystal clear you haven't made a simcha yourself and don't have the slightest idea what simcha costs add up to. It is *not* your place to tell the parents of the bride they should go into debt.

amother

Lightblue

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 4:41 pm

OP I definitely understand how upsetting it is. I've always been invited to Shabbos Sheva brochas of siblings regardless who is making it and I'm from a family of 14. It's just the done thing as far as I was aware.
Unfortunately besides for being upset there isn't anything you can do about it. You are going to have to just accept and move on, the more you dwell on it the harder it will be for you to welcome your new sister in law without hard feelings.
Can you make a big family Shabbos for all the married in the area, if you aren't the only ones? Each of you make something else and eat together.