Not invited to my brother's Shabbos Sheva berochos...

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:25 am

I want to know if this is normal or ok? I'm really quite upset about it.
The kalla's parents are making both Shabbos Sheva berochos meals (personally I think this is unfair on them but I'm not sure who else should. Our side are doing 3, they're doing 3) I wish my parents would do one Shabbos meal...
Anyway my siblings and I are making Sunday Sheva berochos iyH so I was hoping that we'd get invited to at least one of the meals on Shabbos. We're a very small family, and so are they so I thought they'd definitely invite us. The kalla's mum is inviting her sisters and families (obviously their kids too) because they're helping her with them. She said there's no space for us lot as well, for any of the meals Sad

They're making both in their house as a hall is too expensive.

My parents get money from my grandmother towards a catered Sheva berochos but they're giving that money to my Aunt's and uncles who are making one Sheva berochos so that they can invite all the cousins to it, as they're not invited to the wedding. My brother and his kalla want a very small wedding.
My mum said she'll also try to give us some of the money towards the one that we're making on Sunday.
Doesn't seem fair to me. He's my youngest sibling from a very small family. I want to go to the Shabbos meals! So maybe my mother will say that the kalla's mother needs to invite only me and my dh can stay home with the kids ( it's only around the corner) but I'll still have to cook for them.

amother

↑ DarkYellow

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:33 am

amother OP wrote:

So from my family they plan to invite grandmother (I assume!) who won't even go. And my parents and my brother (the chosson) seems ridiculous to me! The rest is her side, the kalla's aunts and uncles. I'm a sibling!

So maybe your side should host half of it and then get a say in who comes.

I'll admit, it's a little unusual not to invite the siblings but maybe they really can't afford it.

amother

Midnight ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Sorry op they sound legit they can't afford don't have space for you. The bolded is very unusual the boys side usually does the aufruf and girls Shabbos Sheva brachos. It's not unusual that siblings are not invited. Don't create machlokes here.

amother

Ghostwhite ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:38 am

I can see it is disappointing but I'm not sure what you want?
They only have a certain amount of space. It's quite natural to want to invite their side. Aren't your parents doing the same when they invite your cousins to their sheva brachos? It sounds the same level of relationship. It's very normal to use sheva brachos to invite people who weren't invited to the chasuna.

It's disappointing, granted. But that's what it is.
One of my brothers, the kalla's side refused to do Shabbos. They said it was too much. So we (choson's siblings) did it instead. We didn't invite the kalla's siblings. We didn't have space. If they were disappointed, they could offer to do one shabbos meal and invite their side for that.

amother

Begonia ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:40 am

Is there a reason why your side can't do one of the shabbos meals, so at least you have one meal together?
Realistically the host of the sheva brochos gets to dictate the guest list. It makes sense that if it's the mom's simcha she wants to invite all her family.
It's not a right that siblings need to be invited to all sheva brochos. It's common that siblings are invited, but it's not always a given.
Is it space or money that's the main issue? If it's the space, would you consider offering to help with the expense of a hall?
If it can't be changed, then work on accepting and enjoying what you do get to be part of.

amother

Wheat

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:41 am

amother OP wrote:

So from my family they plan to invite my grandmother (I assume!) who won't even go. And my parents and my brother (the chosson) seems ridiculous to me! The rest is her side, the kalla's aunts and uncles. I'm a sibling!

You're right. Usually siblings come before aunts.

For the record, and I don't know what circles you come from, but usually the girls side does the Shabbos and the boys side does the aufruf, so it's considered even.

It's considered standard to invite the girls sides father and brothers to aufruf & all the siblings and usually if space allows it, their single kids, of boy, to Shabbos sb.

I'm sorry I would be very hurt too.

doodlesmom ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:42 am

There are social norms, and that includes inviting siblings to sheva brochos, but this wedding seems to not be following social norms….
So don’t all of a sudden expect them to follow it.

Usually there isn’t a small wedding without cousins etc…

Last edited by doodlesmom on Wed, Oct 02 2024, 9:26 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:44 am

Fwiw my other siblings don't seem to mind not going. One is due around then iyH, one is moving house then. So that leaves 2 of us to do most of the one that we're making. Plus I'm hosting it. I really expected to have a Shabbos off and go to both! At least for one meal but I suppose it's not too be Sad

BatyaEsther

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:48 am

It’s so nice that you are so close to your brother that you want to go! It’s so often that people find these simchas to be obligatory as opposed to fun, in and of themselves, and don’t actually want to be there.
Being you are located around the corner, can you do shalushudis or Shabbos party at your home and invite him and his Kallah over so you can spend time with them-much more intimate than a 20-40 person Sheva bracha.

ETA-as I started responding before all the previous replies were posted. I’m not clear if you want to be present at the party as much as you feel excluded or you don’t want to cook Shabbos and were excited for meals out.
If it is because you want to spend time with your brother and his Kallah, invite them over for potato chips. If it’s because you insulted that you weren’t invited, understand the situation and don’t be gaviadick. If it was the not having to cook, do you have any friends that you can invite yourself to for lunch? And can you get takeout for Friday night dinner. Maybe even ask your mom to sponsor the takeout money is tight and she has that money.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:48 am

doodlesmom wrote:

There are social norms, and hat includes inviting siblings to sheva brochos, but this wedding seems to not be following social norms….
So don’t all of a sudden expect them to follow it.

Usually there isn’t a small wedding without cousins etc…

Right this is all a bit off to me because I'm not used to it. Definitely not the norm for our family. Upsetting for me Sad

maybe we won't invite these Aunts to ours on Sunday. Although they're such a small family I'm not sure who else we would! I understand that Shabbos is different because our kids need to come too (all have small families) I have 5, one has 6, one, 3 and one, 1 child knH. But they didn't even say that they'll just invite the siblings only which is an extra 4 adults. If that, because I can't see my brother coming on his own with his wife having just had a newborn or about to. I guess they don't have space for even us 😕

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:50 am

amother Gardenia wrote:

No that will be too hard for me. I'm already hosting the Sunday sheva berochos. And making most of the food for it. There's nothing like Friday night Sheva berochos! Only I was invited to my niece's and it was so so nice! For my brother I really expected to go. Oh well ...I suppose I'll rest up at home. My mother does want me there though so I'll likely go on my own to one.

I actually feel bad for my mother if non of us go!
She'll be the only woman from our side there. Sad actually.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:54 am

amother Wheat wrote:

Thank you. My parents aren't even making the aufruf kiddush for women. It'll be men only which sucks. My mum is having us all round for the Shabbos day meal instead.
We won't have people pop into the wedding unless they're invited to the whole thing because it's not local. Of course they need to be different and have it in a further away, exotic location lol.

amother

Burgundy ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:57 am

It sounds like the chosson and kallah want to keep the wedding very small, so each side is compensating by hosting aunts and uncles and cousins for sheva brachos.

Which means that their side *needs* to prioritize inviting said aunts, uncles, and cousins to their Sheva brachos over siblings. It sounds like this is a conscious decision that was made to keep the wedding small and/or costs down.

If you feel comfortable, pop over after you finish your meal at home or in the morning before the meal (of your mother and new sil will be there) and spend the quality time together without needing to be there for the meal.

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:59 am

amother OP wrote:

Right this is all a bit off to me because I'm not used to it. Definitely not the norm for our family. Upsetting for me Sad

Just so you know, when you said small, I was not expecting 23 people KAH!
Small would be my family growing up. I have 1 siblings and one first cousin.

amother

Nemesia

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 9:00 am

amother OP wrote:

Right this is all a bit off to me because I'm not used to it. Definitely not the norm for our family. Upsetting for me Sad

Please don't set this up as a tit for tat situation. They likely have their own chesbonos, and they aren't doing it to hurt you.

Perhaps their calculations was that as you describe - it's about the kids. There are 15 kids among your family and generally people find it challenging to come without kids on Shabbos. You wouldn't have had an off shabbos, cause you would likely need to make shabbos at home for them. Or they didn't want to risk people bringing all their uninvited kids- I've seen that plenty of time too. Or perhaps they have obligations to their extended family members. Or a totally different reason.

Don't take it personally. It's erev RH, so maybe take it upon yourself to keep shalom at all costs, and Hashem should bentch you with an amazing year.