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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Rosh Hashana-Yom Kippur

Hosting dilemma

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amother

↑ DarkViolet

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 10:16 am

Op didn't respond about exactly what happened. I just want to say that I have no problem making my own yt And I normally do. I haven't gone to my in-laws in years. Every single time we said we'll go cuz we haven't gone in a while. Somehow people called after us and needed the better room, or couldn't make it for wtvr reasonable we were always told sorry but they need to come to us so you can't. I stopped asking a long time ago. It's not worth it. I was told twice on col hamoed not to come for second days because someone else needed to come and needs two rooms (3 kids) so that leaves me with one room for 7 ppl.
As much as I love being home and I usually am, it could be nice to spend time with other people on yt but when you're constantly being told last minute not to come, it's just not worth it anymore.

On the other hand, my parents always say yes and we've had some beautiful yt with most of us siblings there. Even if we squish it's really nice and fun.

As I set up thread I would never tell a child not to come if I can actually have them. Obviously there's a reason why they want to come to you even if they're married a bunch of yours. To have the other siblings and not them because they'll squish a little is just not nice. Especially if they never made yt before. Maybe there is something else going on or as op mentioned they really connect to a shul nearby.

You can definitely ask them to contribute but don't be that mother/mil whom makes them feel unwelcome.

And to all those ppl who are saying two weeks is to little to prepare....I haven't started at all and I am home with guests for some meals and a bunch of kids including a small baby. Just because I don't need more time to prepare, it doesn't mean they don't...maybe its daunting for them to start preparing two weeks in advance. Maybe op should send them some food if absolutely can't have them. Most important is don't ruin your relationship. It's not worth it.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 11:15 am

Of course there's a reason why they want to come, but by a certain time in your life, whether it's when you are 7 people or married for 17 years or some other factors, it's time to put those reasons aside and create your own special memories and atmosphere in your own home for your family, especially if it's too much for your parent (which is a valid reason not to host you) or others will be squished (which may work for you, but possibly may be uncomfortable for everyone else) and you've had your turn.

It's about growing up and building your self as the person who will BEH marry off the children and host the couples till you get a little older and have to start scaling down....that's the cycle of life.

amother

Plum

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 12:45 pm

If there’s room in the heart there’s room in the home. It’s ok to squish for Yom Tov so everyone including parents, kids and grandparents can have amazing memories. We aren’t guaranteed life and no one knows who will be around the next Yom Tov or the following year. Obviously this couple has to be willing to squish, otherwise they can’t come, no such thing as can’t have kids in the room etc on Yom Tov when being with family.

amother

Moccasin

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 1:12 pm

My inlaws usually had only one married at a time on YT-- 5 kids. So when we were all married, I made plenty of YTs. Everyone accepted that and so it was.

amother

Violet

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 2:38 pm

I'm not at 17 years married yet, but it's not so many years away. And I can't imagine wanting to be always spending yom tov away from home. I think there's something really special about being home and creating your own memories as a family.
We've been making our own yom tov for many years. I personally find it much easier to be home. I'm in my own bed, my kids have their own beds and toys. I don't have to be 'on' and constantly engaging with people.

amother

↑ Apricot

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 3:12 pm

Idk we asked my in laws if we could come, they said they’d love to have us, but there’s no room because other couples booked first. Sucks for us, but it didn’t occur to me to throw a tantrum
Married 10 years

Another mom ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 6:40 pm

In my opinion, 2 weeks in advance is enough. Don't forget you can cook on YT too, or buy. Maybe OP can purchase some food for the older couple if it's not a financial problem (Yes, it's expensive).

amother

Chicory

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 6:49 pm

If they asked last and you don't want them to squish you can I think put your foot down that it just doesn't work for you. To smooth out any hurt feelings you can tell them how much you love them but at this stage you can't & offer to send them some food. If they asked before some of the other couples but you want to cancel on them because you feel other couples/families need it more then this gets touchy. We don't really know the details of your dynamics to say if that would be OK or not just that it would be a lot harder to tell them not to come.
Maybe in either of the cases can you find them sleeping arrangements somewhere else or maybe for some of the bigger kids & then have the meals by you?

↑ familyfirst

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 8:54 pm

Can I just ask, why is Rosh Hashonah taking two weeks to prepare??

It’s not Pesach, where cleaning is a huge deal.
It’s Rosh Hashonah!
Even if you make everything f from scratch-

If it’s taking two weeks to cook, you’re overdoing it. Time to pull back on the menu or buy some take out.

↑ Another mom

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 11:08 pm

So what did you decide, OP?

imaima

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 11:10 pm

Maybe they just want to spend time with their ds and their parents. Maybe they want company. Why people think hosting is all about food always? And holidays are just about eating and davening on time?

amother

Cantaloupe

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 11:41 pm

Agreed with imaima. I'm married for 20 years and made my own Yom Tov for the vast majority. If several of my siblings are together for Yom Tov or any other time, it still hurts that I'm not there.

If every other sib is there but you, it feels like a family reunion that you are excluded from. It's not about the cooking, cleaning, or accommodations.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Oct 01 2024, 12:20 am

It's not only about the cooking and baking.
Laundering sheets. Guest rooms to be cleaned and prepared. After hosting there is a large amount of laundry to be washed dried and put away.
Hosting does require more cleaning.

Golde ↓

Tue, Oct 01 2024, 1:48 am

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

Sure, but that's not the case here. OP has said that she has several other children who won't be there, she has the space to host three families. Even if she squeezes in number four, there will be other siblings that aren't there.

↑ Golde

Tue, Oct 01 2024, 1:57 am

imaima wrote:

Maybe because someone needs to do the cooking. In this case that's extra work for OP. Said child isn't offering to help with cooking. OP stated that she wants to daven in shul.
So even if the child "just wants to spend time with family", the flip side of the coin is that OP has to do a lot of extra cooking and will miss the davening she wants to do. (Or that's how I understood her at least.)
I mean, I would also love to just spend time with family and be served every meal. But as OP's child, I'm at a stage in life where this isn't a realistic expectation.

amother

Oleander

Tue, Oct 01 2024, 4:26 am

Maybe the family has a steady place they daven on rh for the last 17 years in the place of parents...and two weeks is too little time/expense to get seats in a shul in their hometown.
I believe they for sure can make their own yt at this stage in the game but DLZ tells me there might be more to this like maybe what I mentioned above.

↑ Chayalle

Tue, Oct 01 2024, 5:13 am

amother Plum wrote:

Honestly I think this kind of post guilts exhausted parents like OP. As if there's no room in her heart and she doesn't love her children, if she doesn't bend over backwards and squish everyone and skip shul and whatever it takes.
I haven't been hosted for many years for YT, but I've spoken to siblings and friends and relatives who tell me they decided to stay home when squishing and more squishing meant exhausted YT for parents with kids in their room who didn't sleep and then fought with their cousins and made messes at the in-laws because everyone was so overtired. And how the younger siblings have to squish because the older siblings who are long past their hosting prime still insist on squishing in.

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