I'm drowning and so stressed (unexpected home repairs)

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 1:33 am

I've always been fiscally responsible and usually a little ahead. Not super ahead, barely anything put away for retirement (I do have life insurance and a small nest egg) but I'm used to earning at least a little more than I spend, putting away at least a little, and having a nice-sized cushion to prevent me from worrying about extra expenses. My line of work can be a little fickle as it depends on clients who come and go, and has some seasonal element, so this cushion was a big deal to me - I never stressed about a dry spell because I knew I would still have what to pay the bills for that time until the cashflow improved again.

The last few years have been harder. I did more scraping by and less of having a surplus to put away. Then some things happened to eat up my cushion as well - a B"H maternity leave that lasted longer than expected for health reasons, both our cars conking out at the same time, etc.

But even though it was stressful not having the cushion anymore, we were still making it. Also, we were very hopeful that things would improve - a lot of situations were supposed to be temporary - e.g. the maternity leave. By natural courses, my usual surplus should have been enough to get back on my feet after a year or so. But during that year other things came up so we never bounced back. However, we were still making it, albeit scraping by instead of being comfortable.

When I say comfortable, I mean moderate tolerable level stress. I don't mean "comfortable" as the euphimism for having an up to date house and regular vacations. I mean that through living carefully and responsibly, we could stay pretty much within our means. Including hand-me-downs and all.

Anyway, that's just the background for why I am having a breakdown right now. As I was again hoping we're about to get back in our stride after the past setbacks, we were hit with one thing after another.

B"H x10000 we are all basically well and whole. But within the last couple of months alone we had: a leak into our tenant's apartment (approx $1000 to fix the source as well as the damage. We got off relatively easy because DH has a plumber friend.) A leak between the front door and foundation of our house ($1000ish for mold removal. TBD how much for fixing the door and putting back together the wall that had to be ripped up for the mold removal but for sure another $1000 if not more.) I'm trying to remember what the other thing was, there was at least one more $1000ish charge.

All of this happened at the same time as back to school (one just graduated high school and needed a real life wardrobe. One is starting a different high school and needed a new set of uniforms. One needed airfare to an out of town yeshiva. Slew of back to school fees, and resumption of tuition payments with new year raises.) All this would have been the usual seasonal stress but we should have been able to deal with it relatively well - except not with an extra $4000 worth of household crises!)

Anyway. I was looking over the upcoming credit card bills trying to figure out how in the world I'm going to cover roughly $4000 more than I was expecting. I was trying not to stress too much, have bitachon, prepare to do some math as soon as I finish putting up a little more yom tov food.

AND THEN we heard the animals in our ceiling. There are most definitely animals in our ceiling. We had something like this about a year and a half ago and I was quite sure we fixed the problem (our house was built cheaply and needed something stronger holding up the roof. We paid a nice amount at that time, also stressful, to supposedly replace it all and make it animal proof. AND YET.) Anyway I'm hearing scary noises in the ceiling and that means we need an exterminator AND a roofer ASAP. Exterminators don't come cheap. Roofers don't even come expensive, they only come mega mega expensive. I had no idea how to cover the last $$$$ and now this has pushed me over into official panic.

My car is making a little unfamiliar noise too but that I am optimistic is nothing because it's an old car and cranks out new noises from time to time and I need to be optimistic because G-d knows I have enough things to panic about right now.

But what the HECK am I going to do about the roof?

DH already works more than humanly possible (I'm carrying the stress of figuring this out because I'm the one who's better at math and managing money. He brings in most of it, and I figure out where it's coming and going. But there is no way I can think of that he could bring in more, he's already working a very decent full time job as well as another two "part time" jobs that probably total as many hours as another full time job. Also at a decent rate for his level of education and experience). I am working about as much as I can - I need to leave myself enough time and energy to run the family because DH is out so much. Plus I've had a couple of setbacks of the type that I kept hoping would pick back up again but so far aren't. But I do think I'm doing the best I can. I took on some side work and I'm struggling to get it done which to me means I'm doing my utmost.

I just can't stand this. After all my trying to hold it together, not get carried away with stress, trust that Hashem will provide... WHAT IS A RACCOON DOING IN MY CEILING?! WHY? WHY MORE? WHY NOW? CAN I GET A BREAK PLEEEEEEEEEASE?!!!!!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 4:59 am

byisrael wrote:

First of all HUGS!

Second, its a terrible time now with high interest rates but it may be worth to take a Helloc instead of putting it on the credit card, the interest on the credit cards is much higher. This is also the kind of time that if you have parents with resources it is ok to reach out and ask if they can provide an interest free loan that you can pay back slowly.

Long term, I wonder if it would be worthwhile to see if you can shift in your industry. It seems like there keep being setbacks, and it may mean its time to shift.
I was in a similar space and got back out there and after a few months of looking I found a job with a higher salary and less hours, and it allows me to pursue a bit of a side hustle.

It sounds like you are self employed - I don't know if this is the type of job, but say you are a graphic designer - you can get a job for stability, and then still accept some clients on your own time as they come in....

I never had to worry about credit card interest because I never ever ever ever ever ever carried any balance. Not by a day over the due date except one time I deposited into the wrong account for auto pay. I only spend what I have. I doubt it's worth borrowing against the house for anything, let alone a bottomless pit of need, and it feels like a lot to go through for a $4000 deficit.

Parents aren't an option.

I have been thinking about whether there's anything better I can do with my qualifications. The answer is maybe but it would take a while to figure out plus I think it would be very stressful to switch away from what I'm experienced in and doing well at. I've been thinking about ways I could possibly specialize and charge more but it definitely wouldn't be a quick fix plus I have long term commitments I can't get out of too easily. So far the salaried stability jobs I looked into are much higher stress and lower flexibility which is a problem because I am the only flexible parent here. So far this month alone I had to take off 3 days for contagious children home from school/childcare (2 for one, 1 for another) I'd lose my salaried job in a minute.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 5:08 am

amother Kiwi wrote:

I don't have any practical advice, just Hug

.

I've been there. It can be really stressful and scary. A heloc is a good idea. Do you have any wealthy family member who you feel comfortable asking for a loan? If this is just temporary that might be your best solution.

So again I keep thinking it's just temporary and then something else happens. I was able to cover the plumber and then we got mold. I was pondering how to pay for the mold and then we got animals. I don't know what temporary is anymore. I don't know what's next.

We got an interest free loan from a family member for a car and are less than 1/4 through paying that off, and it wasn't a rich family member either, just one with more liquid than us.

The irony is that the year before everything fell apart I gave a meaningful sum to another relative who needed (not a fortune by most standards but about as much as, say, one of the rounds of repairs here and it was significant in that it was enough to cover their immediate need). I did it with a whole heart and also believed that it would be a zchus. I said to myself this money isn't nothing to me but I do currently have it, can be fine without it at this time, and Hashem can easily replenish it before I'll need it.

Also dh is meticulous with master with the full belief that it brings bracha. So why is he always struggling so hard and not quite making it? It doesn't feel fair.

amother

Myrtle

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 5:45 am

I'm wondering if Hashem isn't trying to tell you to leg go and let Him.

I once heard this very good word. There was a gitta yid who said, it's the wife's job to ask her husband for what she needs. And it's the husband's job to ask hashem for it.

Maybe it's time to switch it up, let your dh do the finances.

As soon as I got out of the equation, dh started figuring things out.

We give masser religiously. Dh works 3 jobs.
I'm a sahm (childcare and transportation expenses will be more than a part time or even full time job unless ingo back to school for a masters.)

We are good people. We give as much tzedaka as possible. Dh volunteers (firefighting and the local Jewish ems. Plus some other)
He's instrumental in the local kupah fund....

And yet we're barely scraping by for years.

Financial struggles isn't all about being good people.
We have 3 children with adhd (one with hfasd & adhd). 1 with dyslexia. And therapies and specialized tutors are $$$$$ on top of that.
This is our nesoyon. This is your nesoyon.

With Hashems help, we still put food onto the table. And even manage to have some extra to pay a cleaning lady to help out with erev yom tov.

But out roof needs to be replaced now (10k). So do our walls (all the holes my kid kicked in in her rages) and soon the kitchen will need to be replaced. (We didn't upgrade anything when we moved in)
We just found a leak from the bathroom into the garage laundry room. And that needs to be fixed.

It's endless. But so is Hashem.

Let go. And let G-D (and in your case, let go of the responsibility. Let your husband take over. It's his curse after all. Hashem will help. And Hashem will help your husband carry the burden and figure things out.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 5:47 am

amother OP wrote:

Mist salaried jobs won't fire you for taking off three times in a month for sick kids. Look into options and try to find out about the company and how they handle pto and request for leave.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. IYH this new year should be a year of abundance for you.

amother

Chestnut ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 6:03 am

amother OP wrote:

This may be hashems way of pushing you into something better.

I know it was for me - my boss sold the company I was in and the boss fired all the existing staff.
I was devastated, and the bills started piling.
I ended up in a much better place, using more of my skills, learning new ones making more, and I never would have left the previous place.

Later, I was also nervous about making a a switch but we really needed more income. I applied to job listings for 6 months until I found the right thing, but it ended up with better hours and more flexibility.

You would be surprised at what is out there. I found the best way to find the better jobs is word of mouth - let everyone you know that you are looking for something and remind them every few months.

The good positions with more money and flexibility often are filled before they are advertised

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 8:48 am

amother Myrtle wrote:

My husband carries the burden in being the one responsible to bring in the money. I work so we can have a little more but he does the lion's share by far. But accounting is very very far from his strength. Having him manage the money would be a terrible idea, would stress him out by having to do what he's not good at, and he seriously doesn't have time after all his other responsibilities.

What does letting go and letting G-d mean? I thought it was calling the mold guys without knowing how we were going to pay them. Well now I am in the hole because I let go and G-d did not give me what to pay them. And so on for all the stuff. I made it this far with letting go and letting G_d but when we started hearing animals in the ceiling before we've paid off half of the past repairs I snapped. All this letting go isn't working.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 8:55 am

amother Coffee wrote:

I can empathize, we've been going through a really tough time financially these past few years. No advice except that if it is a racoon then you really can't wait at all - is there any chance that your home insurance would cover any of the expense? Maybe the roof? Or is there any chance the city would help out?

Lololol we already maxed out our home insurance with last year's setback. When I said things keep coming up it was for real not a joke. Huge insurance claim because there was no other way to do it, and we're still paying for it and will be forever because our insurance rate went up by several hundred a month. It will haunt us forever. The city won't help because to them we're rich, we don't qualify for literally anything.

Btw I had saved up for a home repair to insulate our windows ahead of this winter. Last winter was so drafty I vowed not to live like that again. Well guess what all the money is gone to crises and I guess we're living in the wind again this year. Just remembered about that because the government has an energy efficiency insulation program that we of course don't qualify for. If migrants were living in the cold they would be up in arms but we are too privileged to need help.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:00 am

amother Chestnut wrote:

That's beautiful.
My industry is fairly flooded and I'm pretty sure the good jobs with more money go to people who can handle working more than 12 hours a week. I literally can't, I'm barely managing as it is.

I'm keeping my eyes open but I'm locked into my current commitment for the next while. It's a small world where I work and it would be very bad to back out of a commitment in middle. I keep saying next cycle I need to take a different track though I'm really not sure what that would be.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:05 am

amother Skyblue wrote:

Is your mortgage must less than the value of your house? If yes, it means you have a net worth and you are not so destitute as your emotions tell you. Take out a loan to cover the expenses (an interest free cc is best and pray and try that you should pay it off before it starts interest). Look at it as you “paid” more for your home.
Hatzlacha!

I don't get it. We're struggling to pay the mortgage. How in the world could we pay more for our home? How could we add a loan repayment on top of that when the month to month is barely adding up? If putting things on the cc and praying we can pay it off hasn't worked until now, why would it suddenly be a better idea?

I mean also which credit card is interest free? But I don't think it would help because we would still eventually need to pay it with money we don't have.

I mean yes I have some net worth but it isn't going to solve the ongoing issues. I can "borrow" from the retirement fund I paid into all those years we were doing ok, but then we would have no retirement fund (you wish it's borrowing, the money is going into a black hole the way my cushion savings did). We're coming up on kids in shidduchim in a few years too. Net worth really doesn't help much when things keep breaking down right and left.

amother

↑ Chestnut

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:20 am

I spoke to an older mentor once, and she told me something that really helped me let go of a lot of the anxiety.

As frum people, the stage when you are about 35 - 60(ish) are the most expensive in your life, and it is very common to end up with debt at that stage. You have a big family, teenagers, young marrieds, and weddings and its all a fortune.

But what she said is that once you hit a certain stage, it is much easier to climb out of the debt and prepare for retirement. You don't have kids at home ( think of all the money you are paying to tuition), the mortgage is paid off, and you are making the most you will at any point of your career.
People who have a lot of debt will sometimes sell the big family home, for a smaller retirement house in a 55+ community or move into a condo, which is more manageable upkeep as well.
Some people end up getting some kind of inheritance at this stage as well, but even without it very soon a lot of income will free up.

You probably have another 10-15 very tight, intense years ahead, and you may even end up with some debt or dipping into retirement, but in a relatively short time span (if you look at a full lifespan) you will be able to pay that back and breath again.

Side point - 12 hours a week is very very little. Its basically 3 hours a day, 4 days a week. If you can up the day of working to 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, you will be doubling your income, still very part time, and that will probably solve the issue.

Also - talk to some recruiters. Sometimes you can use the skills from one field to shift into another more lucrative field.