Hosting dilemma | Imamother

amother

Salmon

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 5:23 pm

Im sorry op
oy challenging
for the future right after R"H make a set of rules and boundaries and inform everyone with no ifs ands or buts
hugs and hatzlocha
for now if it is your daughter in law and not your daughter then its usually even harder to enforce your wishes now that they are not respecting....
if they are coming then I would focus on making rules now to make it doable for you like regarding food, mealtimes, clean up who watches the kids when and how...they can make a roster ....
you will be in shul
ksiva v chasima tova

amother

Crocus ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 10:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

I had them as guests all the years they were married and this year I just can’t.

If they have been coming every RH for the last 17 years and you just sprung it on them two weeks before that they aren’t invited for this year, I would consider that pretty short notice. I’d suck it up for this year and right after RH you can tell them that it’s getting hard for you and next year you won’t be doing it anymore

Chayalle ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 10:22 pm

Honestly there has to be a point where parents phase out hosting kids who are married a certain number of years, in favor of younger siblings who now need a turn.
There definitely was a point where my parents/in-laws couldn't host me. And it was alot sooner than 17 years.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 10:33 pm

amother Crocus wrote:

I agree with this, unless OP has been saying NO and she hasn't been accepting (in which case it isn't short notice).

↑ zaq

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 11:50 pm

amother Orange wrote:

I don't recommend following this advice.

You can be right or you can have a relationship with your kids.

There is a middle ground between getting walked all over by your kids and being so shtark in your principals that your kids resent you.

If my kids showed up unannounced, I'd find the parents beds if at all possible and have them pitch in to make food.

But I'd hope to come to some sort of resolution and not have this situation happen to begin with.

Her kids aren't coming unannounced. They're doing worse: they're defying her express wishes. They asked to come, she said no, they don't accept her decision and keep hounding her. That's not merely inconsiderate, it's downright obnoxious, to say nothing of a complete transgression of Kibbud Em. Yes, they are treating her like a servant, and that has to stop. We don't know if they will show up anyway, but I wouldn't be at all surprised. They need to be taught a lesson, and if having to make their own beds on the floor because there aren't enough beds in the house will do the trick, so be it. Surely they are old enough and intelligent enough to count on their fingers and figure out that mom's house is not big enough to hold the entire tribe. So who should sleep on the floor--Mom and Dad?

amother

Opal

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 12:04 am

Is there a reason is so hard for her to deal with not coming? Is she generally a reasonable person?
If yes, then maybe there are things going on in her life which you aren’t privy to.
Keep that in mind when making this decision.

amother

Bluebell ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 12:24 am

Op did this couple ask first and you said yes and only said no after other couples wanted to come then that’s not fair. A lot of info is missing. If you
Are kicking them out after you said yes then they could think you are playing favorites.

To preserve your relationship with your
Kids let them come this yom tov and then make rules for the future.

It could be only two couples at a time. And you
Give the couples up to let’s say a month before the yom tov to ask to come so it’s not always the first to ask. But you need to make a rotating system so that All couples feel loved and wanted by you.

amother

↑ Azure

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 12:28 am

amother Bluebell wrote:

They should feel loved but also at 40 it’s time to cut the apron strings at least a bit.

amother

Forestgreen ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 12:35 am

amother OP wrote:

I have several married children and nobody lives locally. I love them all but it’s really difficult to host so many of them at once. Whoever comes has to move in. I have room for three families but a fourth means really squeezing in.
Four of my children requested to come. Three of them offered to bring food to help out. The oldest of the lot of four thinks they should have priority because the in laws never invite them. They don’t feel capable of making a 3 day Yom Tov and they want to daven in my town.They are married 17 years and live in a new house. They are not offering to bring food because they are so busy working.
Rosh Hashana is more complicated because I am at the age where my place is to go to shul.
Everyone davens somewhere else so the day meal is not at a fixed time.
I wanted to cancel the oldest family and tell them to come instead for Simchas Torah. It will even things out. They are not taking no for an answer. I had them as guests all the years they were married and this year I just can’t.
By the way I never was a guest for Rosh Hashana all my years after marriage. I made YT for 40 years.
What do I do?

Ok married 17 years here and am not buying the „can’t make 3 day yomtov“ part. There is no magical age when you start being able to

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 1:05 am

You are all correct in all your assumptions. I should have realized the dilemma sooner.Perhaps I didn’t realize how everyone else has a reason they have to come for RH. So I didn’t say anything until 2 weeks ago. They , the couple in question, used to live in a small apartment but now they live in a spacious house, so it’s not so terrible to make their own YT. We have a good relationship. As a matter of fact their oldest son is dorming by me temporarily. He is a great kid and a pleasure to host.
But this is Rosh Hashana. I will be in shul and at the same time making sure there is enough food for four families.
The other three will bring sides and salads.
My head is spinning!
BH my daughters are inviting us for first days of Sukkos and then we’ll be home second days when that first couple is welcome to come.

amother

Amaranthus ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 1:21 am

Op is there something more going on? As is I can't make any sense of it. A couple normally should be able to figure out a 3 day y"t with way less than 2 weeks notice, especially one married 17 years!

We're married several years less, & if my parents called me today asking to come for yom tov I would gladly say yes.

Especially rosh hashaha your adult kids should understand you are not a hotel & even of you didn't say no initially they should understand if you have to change plans.

↑ notshanarishona

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 2:05 am

No one has to come for R”H. The first thing that has to stop is the expectation. R”H isn’t a yom tov where people typically have guests only. The only real exception I would think if someone is post medical procedure, on bed rest, or physically ill .

amother

↑ Bluebell

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 3:16 am

For your child if you said yes that they can come it’s hard to go back now and say no; when you let three other siblings come it will come across as favoritism.

Maybe since they are new to the neighborhood their kids don’t have friends and she is dreading being home three days with them.

I really think it will ruin your relationship not allowing her to come. Instead ask her to make some food even on yom tov she can cook if she isn’t going to shul anyways. And if she can’t cook give her the job of setting up and cleaning up the table. Make it work. It’s not worth the fight.

And in the future set rules and be fair and don’t play favorites.

amother

↑ Forestgreen

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 3:49 am

amother OP wrote:

If you can squeeze them, I think you cannot back out. Have them cook food and clean. I agree with whoever said that they should do their thing but not rely on you for serving and clean up

camp123

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 4:05 am

I think two weeks is plenty of notice and if others need it more and the older couple has been hosted more then what you did is reasonable and fair. You should explain your reasoning to them, be firm with them and tell them they are invited for sukkos. If You have the money you could buy them a dish or two for Yom tov to make things easier for them. But, ultimately you need to teach them not to rely on you so much.

amother

Arcticblue ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 4:14 am

Why is everyone saying she can't back out? She never said yes. That's not called backing out.

Two weeks ago they discussed RH and she told her daughter she can't have her this year.
Her daughter doesn't like that and keeps on asking. But she keeps on saying it won't work.

OP, good time for boundaries....