Yelling at kids | Imamother

amother

Aqua

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 12:43 am

Oh. I didn't read the op.
But I voted yes. For my olde kids. (Unfortunately)
Toddlers/babies. No. Hard NO.
Toddlers are just babies in bigger bodies. They aren't even disciplinable at that age. Trainable. But not disciplinable. (Yeah I'm aware it's not officially a word)

2 of my older kids (11 and 9) woth afhd I do find myself yelling at unfortunately.

I'm getting better at not yelling. But when I get overwhelmed and all other kids, younger and older are going about what needs to be done and they are just bothering everyone making it difficult and not doing what they are supposed to. And the bus will be here soon. Or it's late and they need to get to bed I do get flustered and sometimes yell. But honestly it totally doesn't work anyway. Yeah they get into bed, but they didn't learn anything and go to school/bed with such a bitter taste.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 12:05 pm

amother Aqua wrote:

My child also has big adhd. It's so hard not to get frustrated and yell.

amother

Wisteria

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 12:08 pm

I have a child with ADD (though I didn't know that when child was a toddler). Child was very challenging. But I didn't want to be yelling (and no, it's not healthy for the child). Parenting classes and self-help books (The Explosive Child, for example) helped me alot to preserve my relationship and my child's emotional health.

When you are yelling, it's because you aren't using better skills. On a daily basis, that isn't positive parenting.

ETA I also want to say that the challenges will likely continue, so it's best to start a pattern of better communication when child is young. My child is now a teen, and what would our relationship be if I was still yelling.

amother

↑ Clear

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 11:13 pm

Hi OP.

I don't usually respond with long answers, but this is important. Perhaps something I share below can help you too.

As I said, Step one is being aware and accepting that you are doing something wrong.

Second, figure out why it is you are yelling.

After that, find practical ways to help yourself. You need to know yourself what would help you.

- I have had a few in person therapy sessions at different times with two different therapists. Each one helped me tremendously.

- I also focused on working on my anger from a middos perspective:
A) I listened to many mussar shiurim. One specific one that I really appreciated was by Mrs. Yael Kaisman on Torah Anytime. It was titled "Parenting Class: Session 3"
B) I am currently reading for the second or third time a sefer on the Igeres Ramban. The first paragraph discusses anger.

I have taken Rebbetzin Tuchachinsky's classes which helped me tremendously. I try to actively focus on just breathing through the day and not getting carried away by the little things. Overall, life is BH awesome.

I keep reminding myself that yelling gets me NOWHERE!

Practically, I also try to be proactive with my children, rather than reactive.
Meaning, I try kiss/ hug them and spend a few minutes with each of them when they get home. It's something they crave and instantly calms them down. Less chance of them getting in to their "rebellious mode".

I try to remember "my child isn't giving me a hard time, my child is having a hard time" and thus needs compassion, not yelling.

I try to practice the method of only saying it twice, and then doing it with them. If I asked them twice to come up for bath time, I won't repeat it a third. I'll go hold them by their hand and lead them upstairs.

If they don't listen, I try to take a step back and see things from their perspective so we can discuss instead of me repeating myself again, them not listening again, and my frustration increases.
So say I already repated twice that it's time to come up for baths, and now I'm trying to hold their hand and lead them up, but they throw a tantrum. What is it that they want? Are they trying to say that they are hungry? Want to see the truck that's delivering mattresses to the neighbor? Want to finish building the tower? I won't always yield to their wishes, but at least I heard them out.

I find that often I am so busy multi tasking that I don't hear them, hence they resist....

Ok, this was somewhat of a ramble.. I don't know how to organize my thoughts clearly.

Good luck!!

Oh, I keep reminding myself. Hashem's created this world equally. If I have the power to yelll, that means that I definitely have the power within me to remain calm, cool, collected and grounded at all times.

So I keep repeating to myself: I am the adult. I have the power to set the tone.

And I know that the better I master this, the better skills my children will have as they grow up to adults.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 11:26 pm

amother Clear wrote:

thank you so so much for taking the time to write this. I will definitely be trying the tips that you gave. You wrote it beautifully. I am so desperate to become a calmer mother with my extremely challenging child ( I wish it was only me that thought she was challenging she was kicked out of her class because the teacher couldn't handle her either ).

amother

Slategray ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 11:34 pm

amother Clear wrote:

This is awesome , thank you so much