Event at your house. Ok to insist on control over the food?

amother

OP ↓

Sat, Sep 21 2024, 9:47 pm

we're in an OOT kiruv'y place and, one of the rabbis asked us to hold a small kiruv'y weeknight shiur / event at our house. we happily agreed. but the rabbi said something that like "we dont need much food, I can just get some hummus and chips."

I'm the kind of person who would be embarrassed to ever throw out hummus and chips or have an event at my house with a skimpy amount of food. I don't even serve packaged food for guests at all - I make everything from scratch.

I'm willing to take control of all the food, do all the cooking, and pay for it all. in that case, am I reasonable to insist on control over the food?

I don't want us or my house to be associated with skimpy and bad food. plus, if this is a kiruv'y event, good and plentiful food is going to impress people. everyone knows food sells in the kiruv world.

amother

Daffodil

Sat, Sep 21 2024, 9:49 pm

yes
I f you offer to pay for it and take care of it then yes go for it
he probably just doesn't want to impose on you
and isn't budgeted for the cost

familyfirst

Sat, Sep 21 2024, 10:17 pm

Be careful what you offer
Hosting every week and cooking for it can become overwhelming.

Just out out brownies and cookies and a plaster of cut up veggies and chummus. And drinks.

amother

Whitewash

Sat, Sep 21 2024, 10:18 pm

The only issue I see with it is raising the bar.
The next person may turn him down because they feel the need to also put out a nice spread and can't for whatever reason.
So maybe take control but also keep it low key so as not to raise the bar overall

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Sep 21 2024, 10:48 pm

familyfirst wrote:

Be careful what you offer
Hosting every week and cooking for it can become overwhelming.

Just out out brownies and cookies and a plaster of cut up veggies and chummus. And drinks.

it's a one time / once in a while thing. not every week.

this probably going to be at like be at 8pm on a weeknight. I'm not making an actual dinner. just a plentiful spread of good homemade snacks and desserts. was thinking cookies and one other sweet and maybe a couple different savory snacks (not sure what) and some fruit.

I don't serve "drinks." at my table it's either water (flat and seltzer both) or alcohol :-) would be happy to serve alcohol if the rabbi is okay with it, but not sure.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 8:21 am

zaq wrote:

If you're footing the bill, why not? But "in control" seems to imply kashrut as well, and for that, the rav gets the last word.

what would be the kashrut issue? I don't know if the rav and his family personally would eat at my house, but he's sent many guests to our house for shabbos meals. I assume he trusts my kashrut for other people and he can decide himself if he wants to eat or not eat.

amother

Ebony

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:31 am

Insisting on control is a very strange way to word- I want to put out more than the Rabbi requested.

It sounds like this is a pride thing for you or you wouldn't dare put on measly store bought chumus and crackers for a shuir.

The whole thing seems off to me.

Host a shuir and serve what you think would be appreciated. This isn't about you.

Molly Weasley ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:31 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't think Zaq meant that way. Just in general, that's usually the rabbis domain

↑ Molly Weasley

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:40 am

I'm now thinking that providing too much food or making it too "fancy" may have some downsides.

Other potential hosts might feel pressured to keep up with your generosity, which could make it harder for the rabbi to find new hosts each week. It might be better to just stick to the format he requested

amother

Sienna

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 10:04 am

I dont think it's controlling that you would like to put out a large welcoming spread it is very welcoming and giving. I do think that you need to clarify with rabbi and get ok with him about what he'd appreciate. He may give you total green light to do as please or he may have specific parameters he asks of all hostesses.
I would clarify the kashrus with him even though he has sent people to you before. Just make sure he is fine with with serving homemade goodies.
Thank you foe opening your home .
What a zechus

amother

Orange

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 10:57 am

For events many Rabbanim want only packaged goods. Even if they eat in your home regularly. You need to ask.

I would also worry about raising the bar. You don't want others to not host or do for the community because of your hostessing skills.
I would do the chumus and chips he suggested, pretzels, baby carrots maybe 1 other dip and if he lets homemade -maybe brownies and/or cookies. Dip food and a sweet or two.
Simple, welcoming but not overly grand with many options. You don't want the standard to stop others from being a part of the community...

Hosting a shiur is not the same as hosting for Shabbos.

amother

Cream

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 11:54 am

Maybe if you look deep into yourself, you will find it you're doing this out of gaavah/showing off.

We all have what to work on. This may be yours.

amother

RosePink

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 1:13 pm

amother Cream wrote:

Maybe if you look deep into yourself, you will find it you're doing this out of gaavah/showing off.

We all have what to work on. This may be yours.

This was uncalled for. OP is trying to host people nicely- she's not going above board she just wants them to have regular food.

amother

Apricot

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 1:47 pm

I would check with the rav what he's okay with. It could be it's a concern about kashrus, and although he might be fine with your kashrus. Maybe next month when Mrs x hosts it, he's not okay with her kashrus but wouldn't want to offend her, so he's making a blanket rule about the type of food to be served.
Or he might just want to make things easier for you.
Communication is always good.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 1:50 pm

amother Cream wrote:

Maybe if you look deep into yourself, you will find it you're doing this out of gaavah/showing off.

We all have what to work on. This may be yours.

Not at all. I know enough about kiruv to know that food "sells." And all Jews love yummy and plentiful food.

If having people think "these orthodox people have fun events with awesome food, I can't wait to go to the next one" is showing off... call me a show off!

amother Apricot wrote:

Very good point.

amother

Yellow

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 1:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

Not at all. I know enough about kiruv to know that food "sells." And all Jews love yummy and plentiful food

You said you would be embarrassed to be associated with serving skimpy or packaged food. That has nothing to do with kiruv, it's about reputation and yeah, gaiva.
Yes, food does sell but emes also sells. If it's not your event, I don't think it's your place to take over, but you can kindly offer to help.