Birthday Party Drama

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 9:01 am

Hello wise woman of Imamother,

I think I made a parenting mistake and interested in everyone's perspectives. I have 2 girls who are 20 months apart. Every year I make some sort of birthday party for them whether it be a small thing at the house or a sleepover at my house. Obviously when it is a sleepover or regular party both my girls participate.

This time my older daughter turned 10 and I was really not in the mood for a party. I am the type that believes you either invite the whole class or no one and I just wasn't doing it. She wanted to feel like a big girl and decided she wanted a special dinner with 3 of her friends who are all a year older than her at a restaurant. Problem is she didn't want her little sister there. This became world war III in the house and I completely understood both sides.

I ended up deciding something but think I was in the wrong. What are your thoughts?

amother

Seablue ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 9:12 am

My approach is that birthdays are family celebrations. Sometimes we also invite friends, like if we're making a big party at home, but of course siblings are allowed to be there too. I wouldn't do just friends and exclude siblings. Not at 10 years old.

Brit in Israel

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 9:16 am

From an outsider I would say to not have the younger one with but I don't know if I would have the same thoughts if I was in the situation.
Maybe have the father or grandmother take out the younger one for some private time (assuming you are with the birthday group otherwise you can also) to somewhere nice and then vice versa by the youngers birthday, the older can go for private time.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 9:22 am

amother Daphne wrote:

She's 10 years old. Not an older teen/young adult going out by themselves. If parents are being there as well, then the siblings get to join.

To clarify, the plan was to eat out but parent sat at different table.

LittleMissMama

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 9:26 am

I would not have forced her to include her younger sister. In a dream world, maybe they would be inseparable like that. Reality is, the older one want to feel mature and have a grownup meal with her friends, alone.

amother

↑ Daphne ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 9:31 am

amother OP wrote:

To clarify, the plan was to eat out but parent sat at different table.

Have you offered to do the same for your other daughter on her birthday?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 9:31 am

amother Daphne wrote:

Have you offered to do the same for your other daughter on her birthday?

Her birthday won't be until June but yes.

amother

Bubblegum

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 9:33 am

amother OP wrote:

To clarify, the plan was to eat out but parent sat at different table.

Then little sister can come along and sit with parent and have special time with the parent in a restaurant

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 9:39 am

I would allow the birthday girl to have her own celebration. They are each their own person and just because they are close in age doesn’t mean they must include the other if it is an exclusive friends event.

amother

↑ Seablue

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 9:47 am

amother OP wrote:

To clarify, the plan was to eat out but parent sat at different table.

Not something I'd be comfortable with either. She has time when she's a teen and a young adult to do things away from her parents (and family). She's 10.

mha3484

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 10:17 am

Its complicated. I have a similar situation. What is the dynamic between them in general? Are they very different personalities? Does one make friends easier then the other?

Personally, I have boys almost 8 and almost 10 and they are exact opposites. The younger is much more outgoing. The type that can make friends with a wall. The older has good friends but he's much more reserved. When they had a recess together in the past the older one would get so frustrated. I respected his feelings and talked to the younger about sticking to the kids in his class and not trying to make friends with his brothers friends. For some kids this really bothers them. For a birthday I would have tried to come up with a way for the older one to be celebrated without the younger taking his thunder.

amother

SandyBrown

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 10:24 am

I would have suggested the younger DD come along but sit with me at a separate table, so she feels somewhat included and also gets the night out

If the older DD would not want that though I’d understand, and I would allow older DD to do her thing with just her close friends. If she had wanted to do a lunch with just you as her birthday, to just spend time with you- it wouldn’t be so nice to invite younger DD too. So here she just wants her friends..

If it was a regular party and parents/siblings were involved It’s different, this is an intimate dinner she wants with just her friends

Do you have other children as well? If these are the only siblings that makes a difference, but IMO forcing sisters on each other just leads to fights and resentment. It’s hard on both, the younger one just wants to be included in everything but the older one wants to hat art having her own identity and personal life. It’s a hard adjustment but it’s important to allow older DD that

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 1:16 pm

abound wrote:

Allow the older one to be ger own person, raise themas individuals not a tribe

Agree and they are definitely their own people but due to their age play a lot together. They also fight like craaaaazy.
I just feel bad hurting the younger one as no one wants to feel unwanted.

BetsyTacy

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 2:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

Agree and they are definitely their own people but due to their age play a lot together. They also fight like craaaaazy.
I just feel bad hurting the younger one as no one wants to feel unwanted.

She's not unwanted. It's just not her moment to shine. And this is an easy one because unlike occasions where one child is honored by their school etc., the younger child will have the exact same opportunity to shine on her birthday.

amother

Topaz ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 2:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

To clarify, the plan was to eat out but parent sat at different table.

If that was the plan all along then the solution is obvious. The younger sister belongs at the “family” table.

keym

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 2:40 pm

OP, I'm wondering.

If one of your daughters has 2-3 friends over to play or a sleepover or something, do you insist that they include your other daughter?

If yes, you might want to reconsider as your girls get older and they and their friends start becoming annoyed.

If not, what's different in this scenario?

Im talking as a mother of same gender children who are close in age and also having grown up with several sisters close in age.