Birthday Party Drama

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 11:41 am

amother Topaz wrote:

If that was the plan all along then the solution is obvious. The younger sister belongs at the “family” table.

I have other children so it wasn't a family event. One parent sat at another table just as a chaperone since it was four 10-11 year olds. The rest of family stayed home.

amother

↑ Topaz ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 11:53 am

amother OP wrote:

I have other children so it wasn't a family event. One parent sat at another table just as a chaperone since it was four 10-11 year olds. The rest of family stayed home.

But in that case why would this daughter even think she has a “right” to be there when the other siblings aren’t?

A typical birthday party in your house, are the other siblings there?

Is the problem that this kid is the only one giving you a hard time about it?

amother

Orange

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 11:56 am

The younger sibling gets to do whatever all the other siblings are doing. It doesn’t make sense to join her sister on her friend outing. I have this too and I tell her she gets to do her own stuff and she can’t tag along with her older sibling all the time. Sometimes it’s just not appropriate like in this case.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 12:01 pm

amother Topaz wrote:

Well it is just the two girls, the other child is a baby and one teenager who could care less. He actually thought she should be included since he heard all the screaming and crying from both sides.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 12:06 pm

keym wrote:

OP, I'm wondering.

If one of your daughters has 2-3 friends over to play or a sleepover or something, do you insist that they include your other daughter?

If yes, you might want to reconsider as your girls get older and they and their friends start becoming annoyed.

If not, what's different in this scenario?

Im talking as a mother of same gender children who are close in age and also having grown up with several sisters close in age.

I usually don't make playdates for one without the other one. Yes, the 8yr old wants to play with the 10 year old if she has a friend over but that rarely happens. My 10yr old doesn't have a lot of friends really. No real core group so it was important to me that she felt special at her birthday dinner. These are not school friends as she really hasn't attached to anyone at school. These were shabbos friends who are in different schools.

But yes, in theory, for shabbos playdates I would probably encourage them to play together. I felt like a birthday was different and special.

src6

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 12:21 pm

It's interesting that you said you felt bad for younger sister to be hurt. I find that when faced with a decision and conflicting feelings, I try to break down the reasons why I am leaning in one direction or another and when I get all the way down to the very bottom and clarify my objective this almost always provides clarity on the RIGHT choice.
Your fear of hurting DD is only relevant if it affects your objective.
The question that begs an answer is what is your objective in celebrating birthdays?
For example:
Is it to make bday girl feel special?
Is it to make her feel treated once a year, bc usually you are frugal?
Is it to build her social status?
Is it to create family bonds?
Is it because that's the norm in your community?
...many other reasons, you need to dig inside yourself and figure out what YOUR answer is. Once you know that, you can easily answer if including younger DD promotes or negates your objective. If feelings are hurt, - well, disappointment is part of life, support and empathize, and she will have her turn soon.

amother

↑ Topaz ↓

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 12:26 pm

It sounds like the family has fallen into a dynamic of the younger sister tagging along with the older sister. This is an unhealthy dynamic, looks like now is the time it’s coming to a head. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

amother

Firethorn

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 12:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

As a girl who had a younger sister of 1.5 yrs who was very social able and I had a harder time, she in my eyes was a threat....

Another point we were the youngest's in a large family, as soon as it got to the point of me being old enough to do xyz with the older siblings, she was also allowed.... please make sure your older daughter gets to feel like an individual!

amother

↑ Quince

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 6:15 pm

I see I’m mostly the only one who feels different. Why are we so concerned that the birthday girl might not feel as special because a sister is there? She IS special. Today, tomorrow and every day. No party is needed to enhance that view if your child truly knows she IS special. A sister is a gift. Someone to be able to share those special moments. It’s not a tag along as much as a supportive role in her special day. I believe that my children are individuals and simultaneously believe that we are lucky to be family and have each other. We are each others support and we love and encourage each other always!

amother

↑ Topaz

Wed, Sep 18 2024, 7:28 pm

Because it’s clear in this case the older girl wants to celebrate this particular occasion with friends, not family. It seems the mother is willing to allow that being that she plans to sit at a separate table herself. I don’t know if I myself would have agreed to those arrangements, but this is apparently what has already been decided for this occasion